tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-65094775608485267012024-03-14T13:32:15.729+00:00LIFE WITHOUT ALISON. My journey of grief.I'm Colin.
My wife Alison age 37, lost her life while riding her motorcycle on the 28th April 2011. Alison was my life and all I lived for, she was my soul mate.We had eight amazing years together. This is my blog about coming to terms with the loss of her. Please see the blog archive for earlier posts.
LIFE WITHOUT ALISONhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00879298256975308891noreply@blogger.comBlogger62125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6509477560848526701.post-34393662291737157392013-02-13T20:06:00.003+00:002013-02-13T20:58:10.635+00:00Sorting out and 2nd visit to a medium.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhy6tBXnzC_-EYIrZsvyQVPZrligeJdNjblKaX4yZQXZbhDkq-Boarcxk1xpWogQyNs4Q4-n6f9AJjszA4zC3o4kqX8oc2W7PL2AqggrWadHCx5-jAQra5CvgeObFOoaHMrRbiEstKYRtA0/s1600/DSCF0059.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhy6tBXnzC_-EYIrZsvyQVPZrligeJdNjblKaX4yZQXZbhDkq-Boarcxk1xpWogQyNs4Q4-n6f9AJjszA4zC3o4kqX8oc2W7PL2AqggrWadHCx5-jAQra5CvgeObFOoaHMrRbiEstKYRtA0/s400/DSCF0059.JPG" width="400" /></a></div>
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<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">So
here I am in 2013, another year ahead stretches dauntingly before me,
another year in which Alison will not have existed. Twenty one months
on and I still cannot believe she is not here, all those months
without her, yet it still seems like she was only here yesterday. I
think of her and I miss her every moment of the day, as crazy as it
seems, I still worry about her! She was the absolute centre of my
universe, my life revolved around her, with the centre of my universe
now missing I'm a lost soul trying to adjust to this new life of no
choosing and it is so bloody hard! </span>
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">Those
who knew Alison well, can understand the void that is now left in my
life, such was Alison's vibrancy they have a void as well, she
certainly left a footprint in many a heart.</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">January
was a tough month to get through mentally, I really did fall back
into the deepest depths of grief. </span>
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">Thankfully
come February the deep grief abated. </span>
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">I
decided that the time was right to start sorting out the house and
finally go through all Alison's stuff and get it organized and put
into one area of the top floor of the house. </span>
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">I
started with clearing out under the bed, always a place where stuff
is just rammed under out of sight. I have been wanting to sort out
under the bed for a long time hoping to find maybe one of Alison's
discarded gel nails.</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">Every
couple of months she used to have her gel nails replaced, the night
before having them replaced,she would sit in bed pinging off the old
ones.</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">I
felt sure there would be at least one discarded nail under the bed.
Such little things that once were totally unimportant, become very
important.</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">So
anyway everything was cleared out from under the bed and all the dust
hoovered up, no nail found though and I searched really carefully
before hoovering. But when that was complete, I thought I would just
run the hoover over the large red shaggy rug I have at the foot of
the bed and there in the middle of the rug was a small gel nail ! So
pleased, obliviously destined to find it, so another little item to
add to her memory box.</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">With
the bedroom done, the hardest task was to follow, sorting out
Alison's space, at the top of the house, I made a start, but it is
still on going. Even though I'm not throwing anything away, sorting
out all her stuff and putting it in one corner of the room, is like
tidying away her life, it rams it home to me that she is no longer
here, that her life does not exist any more and all I see in front of
me is history. </span>
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">Starting
this sorting out when I did, was two fold, I had made a booking to
see the medium I saw just under a year ago. I wanted to do something
current that possibly could be mentioned in the reading, that Alison
was aware that I had sorted out the bedroom and had started on her
space at the top of the house.</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">You
will have to read what follows, to see if Alison was aware.</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">So
the 2<sup>nd</sup> visit to Susan, the medium;</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">I
was more anxious prior to this reading, than the first. With the
first I had nothing to lose, my beliefs in afterlife back then were
not as strong and absolute as they are now, so for her not to come
through on that first visit, was not as paramount, as it was now for
her to come through on this second visit.</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">If
she didn't come through this second time, how would it make me feel,
would it set me back, would it make me question my belief, I would be
constantly asking myself why didn't she come through, had she
completely disconnected from the earth plane never to visit again.</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">So
I had a lot to lose this time round!</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">This
time I would tape the reading on my video camera, something I really
regret not doing last time. So I arrived and sat down in front of
Susan, I had taken my jacket off and laid it beside me on the sofa, I
placed the video camera just in front of Susan, the lens just focused
on the arm of her chair, as I assumed it rude to video Susan, after
all it was the voice recording that I wanted.</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">Susan
closed her eyes for about a minute, I thought it too good to be true
for Alison to come through instantly like last time, I thought to
myself,it will more likely be some distant relative that I had long
forgotten about, who I had no interest in hearing from.</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">But
Alison didn't disappoint, straight away she was there, what followed
was an hour of non stop Alison.</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">I
have a lady here, not an elderly woman, a much younger woman, she
has shoulder length hair, Susan then went on to describe Alison's
personality perfectly. I had no doubt it was Alison, like before I
could feel her presence.</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">The
Waterfront in Ipswich was mentioned again as a place that holds many
memories, so true, Alison was down there daily. Susan said she was
also being shown a road near to the Ipswich town football ground, the
road she was being shown is where I live, Susan had no idea where I
lived.</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">She
also liked the bustle of places like the Waterfront also markets and
places like car boot sales, Alison did.</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">Susan
then asked have you been de-cluttering, sorting stuff out very
recently, I said yes, Susan said I'm being told you sorted a lot of
stuff out and then put it back again, she is laughing Susan said, you
put all that energy to sorting things and it's still there in the
same place. </span>
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">Susan
then asked have you done something to the bed, connected to this
de-cluttering, as I'm being shown a bed and she was with you when you
were sorting out.</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">So
there was my proof that Alison was aware of what I had done!</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">Susan
then went onto describe more of Alison's personality and the things
she loved, all of the description absolute accurate. She then said
she had a hard few days mentally, leading up to her passing, this is
very true, but I need not go into that.</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">She
is saying something about a paint brush, she is showing me a paint
brush being picked up, are you painting again Susan asked, then
suddenly, are you painting HER! Susan said, then instantly followed
with, you 'ARE' going too, said with an authoritative tone. </span>
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">It
is something I have been thinking about, it appears Alison knows that
is something that will be done!</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">Who's
Phil, Susan asks, I said a friend who has recently come back into my
life after a few years away, he has called in on me a few times for a
cuppa. Have you been reminiscing about the past and going down memory
lane talking about her with him, I said yes, well she is aware of
that , she was there as well.</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">I'm
getting a smell of tobacco, but not ordinary tobacco or cigars, would
it be wakky bacy Susan asks, I said yes she occasionally used
cannibis. Oh she says she is laughing, just as I got that wiff of
smoke.</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">You
have been asking her for healing for her mother she says. Once in a
while I do ask for Alison to help her mum who has all but lost the
will to live and is suffering with an illness that makes her ache
from head to toe.</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">She
has heard you ask and she is doing all she can to give her mum
strength and she says thank you for being there for her mum.</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">She
is saying thank you for the Xmas tree, she loved it, she knows it
must have been so hard decorating it and so hard for me at Xmas.</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">Susan
asks, have you done something about your glasses, something about
having an eye test, she said you have been struggling with your eyes
and you must keep the appointment as your eyes are so important, she
says just because she is not here doesn't mean I shouldn't look after
myself.</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">She
did believe in a lot of things your lady, I would actually say she
was open to the spirit world! </span>
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">I
said that she actually didn't believe in afterlife.</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">Well
she does now Susan says.</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">Do
you still have a pair of her shoes? As she is smiling and pointing
down to my feet , but I haven't got any shoes on. </span>
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">I
then lifted my foot up, as I was wearing a pair of Alison's trainers!( must point out they are not easily <span style="font-size: medium;">recognisable</span> as female trainers)</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">Well
Susan said laughing, you can't get better than that for proof, what
is the likelihood of a male partner wearing his partners shoes !</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">I'm
seeing a Tattoo, Susan said, have you been thinking of having one. I
said yes and have been playing around with designs, but I'm
undecided.</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">She
says you don't need to get one to remember her, as she is always in
your heart, but if you want to you can</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">Susan
then says, she loved flowers and I saw a rose fleetingly, but now I'm
seeing a Lily and a possible Tattoo design based around a Lily.</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">Lilies
were Alison's favourite flower and the designs I have been playing
with have been based around a Lily!</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">You
may remember the subject of Tattoos was mentioned in my first
reading.</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">Is
there a ring somewhere that is important to you both, I said yes an
engagement ring, I have it at home. </span>
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">Well
she is wearing it now, even though you have it at home! It means a
lot to her and she is so pleased it wasn't wasted, for example
incinerated.</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">Do
you cut your own hair Susan asked, or have you a cutting of her hair,
she is saying someone cut a piece of my hair! and she is pointing to
your jacket.</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">I
then pulled out of my jacket my car keys, which have a a transparent
key fob containing a lock of Alison's hair, ah Susan says well she
knows you have that with you.</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">She
is saying, that I still have a lot to do in this life and it is not
my time, but when it is, the first face I will see is her and that I
am still so much part of her life even though she is in spirit.</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">Susan
then says, I can guarantee without doubt that you will be together
again one day!</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">So
there are the key points of my reading. I stayed for another half
hour chatting about all things to do with afterlife, </span>
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">I
asked Susan about the fact there is no time in afterlife and it is
something that is hard to get your head around.</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">She
said it is hard to imagine, but if time existed there, ten years of
earth time would be just nano seconds in afterlife.</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">I
also asked about the amount of energy spirit need to exert to make
contact, she said for them to come through to her, the energy needed
is the equivalent of working hard, non stop for a week. Therefore
the energy needed to move objects is far greater and to actually show
themselves as an apparition takes even more, hence why it is so rare.
</span>
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">I
asked about spirit completely disconnecting from the earth plane,
from Susan's experience this never happens, they always stay
connected to their loved ones.</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">So
there you go, more proof that life does go on and that are loved ones
are with us most of the time.</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
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<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
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<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
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LIFE WITHOUT ALISONhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00879298256975308891noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6509477560848526701.post-46406999827044046042012-11-09T13:59:00.003+00:002012-11-09T13:59:46.191+00:00Empty rooms.
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<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">When
I first met Alison, I was living in a rented shabby mid terrace
house, even though I rented it, I decorated and made as nice as
possible</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">A
couple of months after meeting Alison, she moved in, we made it our
home, with the view of moving somewhere nicer when we could afford
it.</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">We
stayed there together for another year. </span>
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">We
both worked from home, so Alison made a work area in my studio, which
was in one of the two rooms downstairs. Such was our love, we were
together 24/7 working alongside each other as well -it just worked ,
as it did until the day she passed.</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">Then
the rental company suddenly decided they wanted to refurbish the
house and put it back on the rental market at a higher rent, so we
started looking for somewhere new.</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">We
looked at several properties that offered no more than what we were
leaving, then we found a bungalow outside of Ipswich, it had
everything we wanted, good décor and a lovely country location. At
the last minute, days before signing the tenant agreement, the owners
took the property of the market. </span>
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">By
this time, we had only a week to vacate the house we were in, we
needed to find somewhere quick, any where, even if it meant living
somewhere for a couple of months or minimum contract time.</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">At
the last minute we were offered to be shown a new build house, but it
was located in the heart of the Ipswich red light district, we
decided to give it a look, but certainly had no desire to be in that
area of the town. </span>
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">Being
the red light area, we didn't really know what the area was like
other than it was 'Red' and did not know of any new build properties
there.</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">Anyway
we viewed and just fell in love with the house, it had more space
than we ever imagined and it was brand new.</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">The
last night in the terrace stays in my memory, we slept the night on a
mattress in what was my studio in the house, we were both so excited
to be moving into the new house that next morning.</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">So
we moved in, it was brilliant, everything we wanted, except for the
location. Even though we loved the house, the location was a bit of a
problem, constant kerb crawlers all night long, street girls plying
there trade right outside the house.</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">But
we could put up with it, if it really got too much we could always
move again. </span>
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">Then
things changed, after being in the house a couple of years, five
street girls were murdered, all had been picked up from the road our
house was on. A guy was eventually arrested and sentenced.</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">Consequently
there was a crack down on kerb crawling with zero tolerance, drivers
would be named and shamed. CCTV cameras were placed along the road
and all cars were monitored for several months.</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">Prostitution
stopped completely and the area lost it's red light label.</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">The
house is three story, with so much space, we had many years together
here and we loved it, even though it is rented, it was our 'home'.
The landlord became a very close friend and often said to us the
house is ours for however long we want to be here.</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">When
Alison died one or two people said, what are going to do with the
house, are you going to move and downsize? my answer was a terse no,
I'm staying.</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">All
of Alison is wrapped up in this house, her memory lives here with me,
don't think I could ever move and the long term plan is to hopefully
buy the house. A fresh start some where else, I cannot ever see
working, where ever I live, I will still be lonely, so I may as well
be lonely in a house I love that is full of memories, even if at
times those memories make the tears hard to hold back.</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">So
I'm in a house of empty rooms now, as which ever room I'm in at any
point of the day, the other rooms are empty. There is no sound from
them, no Alison banging about, no talking to her self, no tapping
away on her computer key board, no talking on the phone, there is
nothing only silence from them. </span>
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">Her
little study is still as she left it, her office chair stands empty,
her computers all switched off, her urn of ashes sits on top of her
desk, how could I ever imagine eighteen months ago that she would be
in her study inside an urn, so bloody unreal and unfair. </span>
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">The
shower room which she used as a workspace as well, is still as it was
left, the shower has never been used since the day she went, her
shower cap still hangs on the door, her shampoo and toothpaste still
in the shower tray.</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">Then
her main room again as it was left, nothing moved, just a few things
added, computer screens with covers on, not been touched since the
day she died. Her riding leathers, boots and helmet, crash damaged,
sit in one corner of the room, a brutal reminder of what has happened
to us both.</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">The
stairs to the top rooms and down to the first floor, still have to
odd coffee stain on the stair carpet, spilt from the many cups of
coffee taken up to her study, the banisters on the stairs, still have
mucky finger prints from when she had been tinkering with her bike,
to wipe them clean would seem like wiping the evidence away that she
was ever here, silly I know.</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">The
bathroom, which is right next to my studio, every day I used to run a
bath for her, she would often have a shower and a bath. I so miss our
chats while I was painting and she was in the bath. She loved her
baths scalding hot, I could never even put my hand in, she used to
get out out red from the heat and lay on the floor, half in the
bathroom and half in front of my studio door, to cool down.</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">The
tiles at the back of the bath have the faint shape of her head, as
the tiling grout has very slightly discoloured over the years from
her head resting against them, just above the tiles on the back wall
are her hand/finger marks, where she used to place her hand while
getting in. It is so unreal sitting looking at the empty bath and
knowing that I will never run a bath for her again.</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">My
studio, long hours spent here, these days far more on the computer
than at the painting desk, which is not good. Some days I just don't
have the motivation to paint, days can turn into a week and at the
end of the week I have nothing to show work wise.</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">It
was never like this, we were early risers, most mornings I would have
my paint palette all laid out ready to go at 7 am, these days it's
more like midday, if and when I finally kick myself into action.</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">I
need to paint productively again, four paintings a month, not one or
two every two months, I want to get back to how I worked before. In
time I'm sure I will, but at the moment I struggle because I haven't
got the clear mind I once had. </span>
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">The
bedroom, the only room used as such, the top floor is really the
master bedroom, my studio would be the third bedroom. It has taken so
long to get used to sleeping alone, but I am used to it now, I do
sleep well , but you never get used to waking up alone. I have a
photograph of Aly on my bedside table and before I go to sleep, I
hold the photo and talk to her, I have done this every night since
she died and will probably do so for as long as I'm on this earth.
Her wardrobe is as she left it, sometimes I open it up, not often
though, as seeing all her clothes hanging there just floors me, but I
can never part with them. I know some do, but I can't, they are part
of her life. I so miss seeing her drying her hair in the bedroom,
standing and bent forward, her head upside down, or sitting crossed
legged on the floor at the bedside table doing her make up. Also her <span style="font-size: medium;">frequent</span>, afternoon naps, sometimes I would climb in bed with her and
have an hour, oh how I miss that.</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">Downstairs
the Kitchen, very faint indentations all over the lino, made by her
heels. Some of the cupboards still full with her electronics
paraphernalia, one cupboard full of her cake making equipment.</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">The
kitchen was my domain really when it came to food, oh and washing up!
Alison very rarely washed up, if she did then the kitchen was left
swimming in water lol.</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">But
she was good at cleaning, if and when she cleaned, she did the full
monty. She decided to clean the cooker one day, I was upstairs
working when she started, I came down after about half an hour to see
how she was getting on, I opened the kitchen door, to find the cooker
stripped down and in pieces on the kitchen floor, door, glass,
panels, rubber seals, everything!</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">She
was so funny the way she went about things, no short measures.</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">The
downstairs closet is untidy, it has become a bit of a dumping ground,
her hats and scarves still hanging on hooks, underneath a wicker
box full of her shoes, her gym bag sits on top. It still has sand in
it, from when she went to the beach a few days before her accident.</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">For
months now I have wanted to get it sorted, I will do it one day!</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjagUsYquS8V1tJjmQsG-dWGAkaqrF2YlCf0ohXoa_rgrFkJ3zulDgsM1Abfmj2ZSy2PPyePh1ZfRLv7mC971U3QtPWElaU_gLsYk_IGLsV-nYJgFVykQDdI9WAEnYOwjwhSEJ2r3DsEXXc/s1600/dscn1118.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjagUsYquS8V1tJjmQsG-dWGAkaqrF2YlCf0ohXoa_rgrFkJ3zulDgsM1Abfmj2ZSy2PPyePh1ZfRLv7mC971U3QtPWElaU_gLsYk_IGLsV-nYJgFVykQDdI9WAEnYOwjwhSEJ2r3DsEXXc/s320/dscn1118.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">The
living room, so many memories in this room. </span>
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">When
Alison once mentioned bringing her bike into the living room to do
some electronic work on it, I thought she was joking. Then she
started making something out of MDF board, in the garden, I asked her
what she was making, she said a ramp so that she could ride the bike
into the living room, you see once she had made her mind up about
something, there was no stopping her. Although I didn't agree with
the bike coming in the house, for supposedly an hour or two, if it
made her happy, so be it. Thing is, sometimes it was in for a day or
two and often it would be in for cleaning as well. I would give
anything to see that bike back in the house.</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">I
feel the emptiness of all the rooms together in the evenings, sitting
watching TV, that's when the loneliness gets me most and now that
winter is here, the evenings will get longer. No more cosy evenings
chilling out together, watching a movie or whatever. </span>
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">The
house feels empty, it's not alive any more, but I still love the
house and Alison is still part of it, I guess her residual energy <span style="font-size: medium;">will always remain</span>.</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">When
I have friends over, the house gets some of it's life back, but
that's only for short periods.</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">What
I had here has gone, but I'm forever grateful that I had six years of
happiness here with Alison.</span></div>
LIFE WITHOUT ALISONhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00879298256975308891noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6509477560848526701.post-70073254616366723672012-10-29T14:43:00.001+00:002012-10-29T14:43:23.772+00:00Building new memories.
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjNqT4r3ENXsb8Rq3wZFkud2T_2kupM0NkOK7vHspor1nOwTbQeNTOcsK-_L-fQc-r-YEztqIP5p1rFf_cuBAPBamr4taCjzdW6Q1K56EWH8LS9WlflqnNRndFMvUv0ghnQbi4ljlF7-wuc/s1600/oysters.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="238" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjNqT4r3ENXsb8Rq3wZFkud2T_2kupM0NkOK7vHspor1nOwTbQeNTOcsK-_L-fQc-r-YEztqIP5p1rFf_cuBAPBamr4taCjzdW6Q1K56EWH8LS9WlflqnNRndFMvUv0ghnQbi4ljlF7-wuc/s320/oysters.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">Eighteen
months now, since losing Alison, where has all that time gone, I
find it unbelievable and surreal that she has not been in my life
physically for all those months. </span>
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">I
remember standing outside alone at the reception after her funeral
and thinking what is life going to be like many months ahead, I could
not imagine it, to be honest I didn't think I could survive the
weeks ahead let alone months. At the time I just wanted to follow her
at the soonest opportunity, once things had all been sorted, but of
course this was just irrational thinking.</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">So
here I am all those months on and well into the second year, which is
the year of reality, the reality has hit me big time, this is my
life now, she is never coming back, never will I see her again in
this physical world. </span>
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">My
mind still struggles to accept this, every morning when I awake, for
a split second I still expect to see her beside me, for whilst I
sleep, I escape the relentless mental torture of missing her.</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">Such
was my bond and my absolute love for her, the adjustment to her not
being here, is going to be long and mentally painful. </span>
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">But
I have to adjust, I have no choice, I know she is with me in spirit,
but it's not enough, I so desperately want her back and there is
nothing more frustrating than that being impossible. </span>
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">In
my last post I stated that I don't feel her around as much now as I
did in the early months, there have been no more signs, no more
dreams, no feeling of presence. </span>
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">I
know she will have moved on in spirit, completely crossed over and
probably disconnected completely from the earth plane, it brings on a
whole new feeling of loss and emptiness.</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">I
will go and see the medium Susan, for one last reading next year,
after that I feel I have to release myself from this wanting and
longing, for it is never going to bring her back, </span>
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">I
do get desperately lonely and I still have days of complete sadness
and all these months on I still cry, the price I pay for true love!
and because I work from home, it means much of my time is spent alone
with my thoughts of what I had and what I have lost.</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">So
back to adjusting to life with out her ;</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">In
losing her, I lost my zest for life, I lost my confidence, my
motivation, I lost everything that was important to me. So now I have
to slowly try and get some of those things back. I need to start
enjoying life again, it will of course never be the same as when
Alison was here, I loved life back then, but I can't and won't let
myself become recluse, Alison would hate that.</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">I
have to build new memories and not feel guilty about doing so, I have
to keep telling myself that I shouldn't feel guilty about enjoying
myself. </span>
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">Just
over a week ago, I had a good friend (Jane) come to stay for a couple
of days, we became friends on a widow forum. I met her in London back
in the spring (see an earlier post), she lost her husband in an
almost identical accident to Alison's, a month earlier, so we have
this tragic common ground. </span>
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">Jane
stayed from the Thursday until the Sunday, on the Friday morning I
had booked her in to have a reading with Susan the medium. I sat
outside in the car while Jane was having the reading, she was in
there a full hour, I just hoped her husband John would come through.
I had been telling Alison to connect with John and make sure he was
there to come through – well you never know. </span>
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">Anyway
John did come through and Susan actually gave his name! </span>
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">the
reading couldn't have been better, I was so pleased for Jane.</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">Anyway
we had two lovely days out, visited a couple of nice eateries, had
fab food, the most amazing oysters, scallops, lobster, we certainly
ate well.</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">In
the evenings we watched movies and drank plenty of red wine. </span>
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">It
was a fab couple of days, Jane is a very special friend and great
company. </span>
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">Whilst
making coffee in the kitchen, it was strange hearing someone upstairs
again, I was caught off guard (not quite the right term) when on
Saturday morning Jane switched on a her hair dryer, for a few seconds
I thought it was Alison, never thought I would hear a hair dryer in
the bedroom again! I just had to go outside quickly.</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">So
I'm building these new memories, I'm learning how to enjoy without
feeling guilty, Alison would want that for sure.</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: medium;">But
it is still bloody hard!!</span></div>
LIFE WITHOUT ALISONhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00879298256975308891noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6509477560848526701.post-51739707740631453162012-08-16T11:55:00.000+01:002012-08-16T11:55:51.666+01:00Starting to post again. <style type="text/css">
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<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">You may have noticed I have deleted the post called 'My Last Post' at the time of writing it, I thought it was the right thing to do, I was wrong, I need this blog to write down my emotions rather than bottle them up. Within a couple of days of posting it, I realised my mistake, it was like cutting my right arm off. </span> </div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I think also I was fretting that I had not posted for a while as I had nothing new to tell, so the fretting was becoming a burden.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">But it is stupid thinking like that, as though I had written a best seller and needed to come up with another best seller.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">You know and I know, that's not what this blog is about, as I have just said, to not write down my emotions, means they will just build up inside me, not good!</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">So I will carry on writing and posting as and when I need to.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">So here are a few notes on my feelings, to get the ball rolling again. </span> </div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I'm now in my sixteenth month without Alison and miss her so much more intensely now, than early on in my grief journey. People say to me 'You have the memories to cherish', yes I do but they tear me apart at times, early on I could watch her videos and look at her pictures, now I can't, I want to hear her voice, I can do, by watching the videos, but I know what the result will be.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I said in the deleted post, the landscape around me is the same, except the one person who made my landscape what it was is no longer in it, therefore I now live in a constant surreal landscape. Can it ever get better, I don't know, will I ever wake up in the morning and say 'brilliant another day' like I used to, instead of now saying 'here we go again, another day to get through'.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">That last quote probably makes me sound a right misery, I'm not really, I'm certainly not as happy as I once was, how can I be, but I don't mope around in self pity. To the outside world I'm getting along just fine, in truth I'm really just coping, no one can see the constant mental pain I feel, wanting Alison back but knowing I can't, going up to her study and seeing the urn that contains all that's left of her, being surrounded by all her stuff, all her laptops, numerous computer screens and electronic programming equipment, all shut down and now unused, time stood still, now just memories of the past.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Her clothes still in the airing cupboard, in her wardrobe, all part of her, I can't let go of them! Eventually I will sort her space at the top of the house, pack away all her equipment, when I don't know, I want to sort it, but I have to wait for a strong frame of mind or a spur of the moment decision.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I have said before that Alison was such a massive part of my life, I adored her , I still do and always will, she is still a massive part of my life even in death. </span> </div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">At almost sixteen months I still take things day by day, I still have the occasional meltdowns and panic attacks, they are intense but don't last as long, the walls of the grief pit are not as steep as they once were, if I fall in it doesn't take so long to climb out. Each morning I wake up, I don't know how I'm going to be until a couple of hours into the day, for when I sleep it is escape from the constant missing her,</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Then there are the occasional tears, a little more frequent, just quiet moments of memories can bring them on, usually in the evenings, the time of the day I feel more alone.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">My mind still cannot get used to her not being here, not existing physically any more, that is just about the hardest thing to accept, just doesn't seem real or possible. I still light candles in front of her photos every evening, still have fresh flowers in the house, she would think it mad that I still do this, I talk to her during the day and before I go to sleep, I hope she hears me, although I don't feel her presence as much now, more on that in my next post.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div>LIFE WITHOUT ALISONhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00879298256975308891noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6509477560848526701.post-33728540575888389802012-06-10T19:20:00.000+01:002012-06-10T19:20:50.337+01:00Shine on!<style type="text/css">
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<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Following my reading back in March, I have heard so many good things about Susan, the medium I went to see and of others that have had amazing readings from her. In my posting about my reading, I stated that Susan connects with the thought of the spirit, I was wrong in that statement, I have since learnt that the spirits actually talk to her and in some cases she can see them. </span> </div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">During the reading it did feel like Alison was sitting next to her telling her things to say, so it seems she was, well maybe not sitting., maybe floating who knows. Since then I have absolute no doubt that Alison lives on and therefore there is an after life.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">The pain of missing Alison, constantly courses through my veins, now and again I just cry and cry. In the last week or so I have had some really down days, the Jubilee weekend didn't help. One evening I had one of these crying moments and after pulling myself together, I picked up Alison's small Nikon camera that was on the table, I said to her out loud ' <i>C'mon Aly lets see if your here</i>' I then took random pics around the living room, I was hoping to capture her spirit orb. </span> </div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I didn't check the images until a few days later, to my surprise one of the photos had an orb, now to be honest as much as I was surprised, logical reasoning seeps in. I thought maybe it could be a dust particle caught by the flash, this is the common explanation for them. That said, Alison's camera has taken many hundreds of photos, never has an orb appeared and if dust was the cause, then many images if not all would capture orbs. So I choose to believe that the orb is spirit energy and that Alison was there sitting on the arm of the sofa, which she did many times.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I decided when I felt the time was right I would take some more photos.</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXkfBng3UJ9PT32GF13WSRA5fbzOHVafXT7f08PWYJLc68w0K7Rhvuo7ZY2oS6BKGmSQ-vDJx87A8LV5QYtMj2uFPAwHOthh0lqrXvO9LCBfytR0RlDjjMnd02z1rntAhg9S8P4R-x4Vzc/s1600/orb+1.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="311" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXkfBng3UJ9PT32GF13WSRA5fbzOHVafXT7f08PWYJLc68w0K7Rhvuo7ZY2oS6BKGmSQ-vDJx87A8LV5QYtMj2uFPAwHOthh0lqrXvO9LCBfytR0RlDjjMnd02z1rntAhg9S8P4R-x4Vzc/s320/orb+1.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">On Friday 8<sup>th</sup> June, I was invited too an evening event, by one of Alison's close friends. It was good, but when some of Alison's other friends turned up, it just hit me that it shouldn't be me here, but Alison, I felt so sad that she was missing out. I couldn't stay, made my excuses and left. I got home and just burst into tears, I was in tears off and on for the next few hours, really crying from the heart, I just miss her so much and crying releases the tension that bottles up as you try to function day by day. </span> </div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">After a while I calmed down, her camera was on the arm of the sofa, I picked it up and said to Alison ' <i>please show me your here with me</i>' I then took about twenty random snaps around the room. </span> </div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Finished, I then went upstairs and uploaded the images on to the computer. What I found on two of the images just blew me away, the bright blue orb is stunning, the best I have seen. In view perspective, it is actually over the sofa where I now sit and where Alison used to sit. The second image below shows the sofa from the opposite side of the room, the white mist is certainly not fallout from the flash, as I took several in sequence, as I did with the image of the orb and nothing appears on the other images.</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6TXEwy3Q0Or8xNKWgpy9DCfK7EbHBu6dobl3zOUFJIzsO_9RSYeDXwfExKBB0ixdHfBlFnQaen3f3SXN0KXu6QjAyrQ168Ff-OioDhzRHQ_sUhUYBrVWO2u5vTbNu7LxtYnDecE1e8o9l/s1600/DSCN2362.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6TXEwy3Q0Or8xNKWgpy9DCfK7EbHBu6dobl3zOUFJIzsO_9RSYeDXwfExKBB0ixdHfBlFnQaen3f3SXN0KXu6QjAyrQ168Ff-OioDhzRHQ_sUhUYBrVWO2u5vTbNu7LxtYnDecE1e8o9l/s320/DSCN2362.JPG" width="263" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiE-r2lwn3FY8zO-0wJlRVMixfPoxZos5LhZfRTjgyTAccxRhgpXazUNJ2Z9Vmhjx_ESGGJXLG30PSnHrI-icPHNigBZCu2JQgtFgbCOLAI-fVgqTj077QoZYoKPzlH_zK3z-NLqbb3md_1/s1600/DSCN2372.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiE-r2lwn3FY8zO-0wJlRVMixfPoxZos5LhZfRTjgyTAccxRhgpXazUNJ2Z9Vmhjx_ESGGJXLG30PSnHrI-icPHNigBZCu2JQgtFgbCOLAI-fVgqTj077QoZYoKPzlH_zK3z-NLqbb3md_1/s320/DSCN2372.JPG" width="271" /></a></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">It's not a case of wanting to believe these are Alison, they are Alison without doubt. </span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">She shines on!</span></div>LIFE WITHOUT ALISONhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00879298256975308891noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6509477560848526701.post-59152826893552425982012-05-24T12:44:00.002+01:002012-05-27T00:33:47.300+01:00Finding yourself.<style type="text/css">
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<span style="font-size: medium;">Over the months I have formed a strong friendship with two fellow widows, Deena lost her husband to a heart attack eighteen months ago, Jane lost her husband in a motorcycle accident a month before I lost Alison, the accident was a carbon copy of Alison's. </span> </div>
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<span style="font-size: medium;">Each of us have supported each other by email and on the phone through out the months, then last week the opportunity arose for the three of us to meet up in London.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: medium;">I have traveled up to London hundreds of times, but this would be the first trip to London since losing Alison, I was anxious to say the least, I knew the train journey itself would bring back memories, let alone being in London,I know it was the same for Jane and Deena.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: medium;">Jane to be honest is an inspiration to me when it comes to traveling, having already been abroad twice on her own, and here she was spending a week in London on her own. Knowing that she is hurting just as much as me and Deena, is testament to her amazing courage and strength, her hubby John would be so proud of her. As would Deena's hubby Ted, for all she has achieved in the last eighteen months and is still achieving day by day.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: medium;">So we each meet for the first time, as friends not strangers, due to all the on line correspondence and weekly phone calls over the past months. Each of us having had to pay a massive price for our friendship, it makes the friendship extremely valuable and I know we will be close friends for life. We walked, we saw the sights,, we had coffee, we had lunch, we did lot's of talking, importantly we had fun. </span><span style="font-size: medium;">Without choice, </span><span style="font-size: medium;">each of us are trying to find the person we now are, the new person we have become in this long journey of grief. The loss of your partner changes you, who you were before has gone, it's not just the loss of your partner that you have to come to terms with, it is the change in yourself and the world around you. At first the world around you is not inviting , you don't want to be here, but you know you must. Gradually you see things differently, but it takes time, you need to find the reason you want to live again, as tough as it is.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: medium;">Now coming up to a year and one month for me and it is still early days, I do now have more good days than bad, some of my motivation is slowly coming back, but I know I still have some tough times ahead. I still at some point have to go through all Alison's things, the top floor of the house where she did all her work, is still just as she left it. There is no pressure for me to sort it, but I feel I need to do it sooner than rather than later. It will be hard, it will bring me to the floor no doubt, but it will be good to get things organized. Saying that I was looking for a pair of shorts today, which meant searching through the airing cupboard, I just had to stop when I started pulling out Alison's tops and undies, I'm surrounded by her things in the house, but when you pull things out you haven't seen for a year it suddenly hit's you , I still haven't found my shorts!.</span></div>LIFE WITHOUT ALISONhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00879298256975308891noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6509477560848526701.post-54974959163967412192012-05-14T18:08:00.001+01:002012-05-15T01:09:31.711+01:00The first year.<style type="text/css">
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgpsD_JByIRjg9btGxIpdQ_9kqYOZrFstAg3DZ6B7HF9XJDzEJ8qnX5kFCR5k5Sfcmc6SOV8TP2xrP3uDlnTqWGHBvmfa2HTeCGsTzuvLLUquokSZbvAVZheHuzVDzKXEs8TAtt60ggspq7/s1600/DSCF8810.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="192" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgpsD_JByIRjg9btGxIpdQ_9kqYOZrFstAg3DZ6B7HF9XJDzEJ8qnX5kFCR5k5Sfcmc6SOV8TP2xrP3uDlnTqWGHBvmfa2HTeCGsTzuvLLUquokSZbvAVZheHuzVDzKXEs8TAtt60ggspq7/s320/DSCF8810.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">So here I am, just over one year after my world came crashing down around me, it has been by far the hardest time of my entire life mentally and physically</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">So Alison has not been physically part of my life for now over a year, what we had as a physical couple here on earth has gone forever, that is by far the hardest thing to accept, everything is lost our past together and our future together, yes I have the memories, but the memories give me the constant mental pain of wanting her back, those memories will do that for a long time to come, probably for ever, testament to what she meant to me.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">At the start of this journey of grief, I could not imagine being this far down the line, I couldn't and didn't want to think that far ahead it scared me. But here I am, after a year of the most emotional roller-coaster state of mind I could ever imagine. I never thought it possible I could produce so many tears, only a hand full of days in the last year have I not cried and I still do!</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">The last year has just been a blur of disbelief, it still feels like I lost her just a week ago or that she was just here yesterday.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">The first year anniversary was on Saturday 28 April, since which, I have slipped into a new phase of grief, I sort of expected it, I was more worried about how I would be after the anniversary than the day itself. The first year has in a way been governed by a set of challenges to get through, the funeral, the ashes, the six month point, Xmas, new year, Alison's birthday, then the anniversary of her passing. Now into this second year it's for real ! no more first challenges, just the challenge of my life ahead with out her, it is daunting, it is a new pain! </span> </div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">It really feels like the last year has been just a bad dream and suddenly I have woken up to find it's not a dream, this is it now, it's for real.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Adapting to life without her is so hard, it is the hardest thing I have ever had to face . Just the fact that I have lost her is bad enough, but I have to except that I have also lost the person I was, I now have to find the new me, build a new me, in this I have no choice, the life I had with Alison has now gone, the completeness and happiness lost for ever. I doubt I will ever again feel so complete as I did with her, I definitely will never be so happy. That's not to say I will be forever miserable, just not happy in the same way I was. Alison was so unique in so many ways, not one person on this planet can give me what she gave me.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">My mind has to heal from the trauma it has received, I know from speaking to others that this could take years, it is a gradual process, the dips in this roller-coaster ride will I hope get shallower and further apart, time will tell.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">For those who have read about my visit to the medium and the amazing reading I had, will know my belief that there is an afterlife. I needed answers after losing Alison, so I read everything I could on the subject, I watched videos, I had many signs but needed to rule out coincidence. Over the months up to the first year anniversary, all the signs followed the exact pattern I had read about time and time again. There were the strange things that happened a few days and a week or so after her passing. Then feathers started appearing in specific places at specific times. I have seven feathers, the last one found in the house at the bottom of the stairs one morning.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I talk to Alison off and on during the day and always before I go to sleep, on finding the feathers, I have said to her more than once if I find one in the house I will believe they are signs from you! </span> </div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">It is understood that soon after passing the spirit stays earthbound for a while and is helped by spirit guides to leave signs to say that they are ok and are with you. </span> </div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Since that last feather appeared, I have found no more, I guess she got her message across. </span> </div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">There hasn't been any signs since that last feather, I had kept telling her that I would visit a medium, maybe she was waiting for that day and now that she was able connect, she has now crossed over properly and moved on in spirit. </span> </div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I'm hoping that even though she has probably crossed over, she can still visit me in my dreams and should I ever have another reading come through again.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I have no clue what lies ahead for me, time will drag me forwards, I know that I should be making the best of my life, I know that's what Alison would want, but it is going to take time, I can still only do things day by day, I have no future plans.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div>LIFE WITHOUT ALISONhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00879298256975308891noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6509477560848526701.post-33024397904502069682012-03-23T13:48:00.000+00:002012-03-23T13:48:38.342+00:00A brief summary<style type="text/css">
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<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">On the day of the celebration of her life, </span><span style="font-size: medium;">at the village hall reception,</span><span style="font-size: medium;"> I stood quietly outside on my own in the warm sunshine with just my thoughts. </span> </div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Ahead of me stretched my future without Alison, she was at that point in time not a physical person any more, never ever will I see her again, all I had now were memories. </span> </div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">How was I going to continue life without her, how would I get through the next few months let alone the year, what would it be like in ten years time or longer without her, how can I live a life without her beside me. It was unreal, just a bad dream I just needed to wake from, but this was real, not a dream, for eight amazing years she was my life, my future, now she was gone, cruelly taken away from me, she had so much more living to do, it should have been me gone not her. At the celebration after everyone had left the chapel, I stood alone with my hands on her casket saying my last goodbye to her, it was so final, so impossible that her beauty, her charisma, her sheer presence was no longer.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">So here I am ,coming up to eleven months without her and it is still unreal, it still feels such a short time that I was saying my that last goodbye and makes me realise I have a long way to go in this journey called grief.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Even now I have moments when I expect her to walk through the door or hear her tapping away on the computer keyboard upstairs. I walk into rooms and expect her to be there, but she's not and I stand looking at the empty space where she should be.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">The emptiness and loneliness is what I feel most, it will always be with me. Alison filled my life, she was my structure, my rock, my inspiration, she was my future. </span> </div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I have lost all that and now I have to somehow adjust to life alone, not easy, my future is so different and I don't like it.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">But then I have no choice whether I like it or not, this is how it is now, I have to somehow build around the grief and gradually get some sort of life to enjoy, how do you do that, when it is impossible to better the life you had or even equal it.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Don't get me wrong, I'm not continuously sitting around feeling miserable and sorry for myself , I get on with things and enjoy moments, even enjoy some days. I have a good network of friends for support in the real world and online, I just take things day by day, but every waking minute I miss her, the mental pain I feel of her not being here, not existing, really cannot be described. </span> </div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I still struggle with mornings, when Alison was here I was always up early, now on average it is 10am that I get up, that said I seldom go to bed until 2am, sometimes 3am. I stay up late to make sure that as soon as I hit the pillow I'm asleep. There really is nothing to get up early for any more, I so miss opening my eyes and seeing Alison and then having the most special cuddle of the day, where we would just doze together with our bodies entwined. Now every morning I wake to just a photo of Aly beside my bed and another day with out her.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> </span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">The visit to the medium has helped in knowing that she is with me sometimes, it is a bit of a double edged sword though, she came through so easily and specific on so many things that were conveyed to me, I want more! I talk to her and tell her to do things, just for that extra bit of proof, but she doesn't do things I ask. But then I don't know the workings on the other side of the veil, maybe there are rules on how much contact can be made and how contact is made, maybe the energy needed to move things to show they are around,is something that is hard to do and has to be learnt, then of course time doesn't exist, a second, a minute in afterlife could be two months or more here on earth.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Maybe Aly was waiting in the earth plane to make contact to let me know she was happy and now that she has done that, she could now move on in her journey and cross over properly on the other side, maybe now contact/signs will be few and far between, maybe none.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I did face a risk with a reading, what if Alison didn't come through, where would that then leave my belief, what if she came through and was not happy, that would devastate me further, but that said you never read or hear of people being unhappy in afterlife, sometimes a few visits are needed for them to come through. It was a risk and something I really did not realize until I was sitting in the car waiting for my appointment time, but I had to know one way or the other. I need not have been apprehensive, having since learnt that Susan is highly regarded and even Ipswich Police Force use her gift in serious investigations. </span> </div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Also my worries in Susan being local and that she could have found information on me or Alison on the internet, have been eliminated, Susan does not own or use a computer or even a mobile phone, besides what came through was so specific and had not been published online. Susan explained that she connects with the thought of the spirit and that was the overwhelming feeling, that she was tapped into Alison. </span> </div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">So in just a few weeks time it will be the anniversary of her passing, before that her birthday, two tough days to get through and on the 29<sup>th</sup> April there will be a memorial motorcycle ride for Alison. This time last year when she was here and everything was happy and normal, I could never of imagined that I would be sitting here writing this. </span> </div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">The fact that I am still writing, at nearly eleven months is testament to how much she meant to me and means to me to this day. I am aware that as time progresses there really is not much more I can write without repeating myself. I will continue to write until the anniversary, I will write about the memorial bike ride. Beyond that I don't know, the blog will of course always remain online, I know that it has helped others who are going through the same journey and it will help those who have yet to feel grief understand.</span></div>LIFE WITHOUT ALISONhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00879298256975308891noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6509477560848526701.post-38261366980649767022012-03-06T16:27:00.002+00:002012-03-06T22:36:49.756+00:00Visit to a medium.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEggVWVyJ9gmum0n9LiDM8dKcsLuXN8tlKv5XeZuYXOM_beLlP2Ov6Pop9By0l3JDFSsU0q-HTQ02O0vo1P0SMCE1EQcBSQnRzX_Em8GBeJZY-qeIeR0difcuxuRb10q63IhOkZddBl-9gDe/s1600/DSC_0982.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="255" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEggVWVyJ9gmum0n9LiDM8dKcsLuXN8tlKv5XeZuYXOM_beLlP2Ov6Pop9By0l3JDFSsU0q-HTQ02O0vo1P0SMCE1EQcBSQnRzX_Em8GBeJZY-qeIeR0difcuxuRb10q63IhOkZddBl-9gDe/s320/DSC_0982.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><style type="text/css">
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<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">With an open mind I set off to have a reading by a medium named Susan, she was recommended to me by a neighbour who had a very positive reading from her a year or so back. I didn't know what to expect having never had a reading before, but what followed was way beyond my wildest expectations. </span> </div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">As Susan was very local to me, just a ten minute drive away, I was a little sceptical in that maybe she could have done an internet search on my name, although I had only given her my first name, the plan when I first phoned her for an appointment was to give a false name, but when she asked my name I just automatically said Colin.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">On arrival I was greeted at the door with a really warm welcome by Susan,</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">she showed me through to her lounge and I sat in a chair opposite her, she asked if I would like the reading taped, but with nothing to play a tape on I declined, I figured that if anything came through it would just be a few broken sentences or single words, that I could jot down on the note pad I had with me and work out the significance later, how wrong was I ! I now wish I had requested the tape as what followed was not just a few words and statements that you see on psychic television shows, but a full on half hour of being told things that only I could know and they came through rapidly without much pause. I should have known if Alison was to come through it would be full on non stop. Not only did specific things come through, but also Alison's unique personality.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Before she started the reading, she handed me a printed card saying that, as a medium she did not foretell the future or the past and that she could not guarantee anyone in particular coming through from spirit. With that accepted the session began. She then told me to just answer yes or no to anything that might come through or clarify something if needed. She knew nothing of me or of who I had lost. What may come through would be specific words and phrases and that she connects with the spirits thought., I then have to fill in the gaps. </span> </div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I know from reading about messages that a spirit may be thinking/speaking in long sentences, but this is picked up by the medium broken up, a bit like a bad reception on a radio. Throughout the reading Susan is unaware of Alison's name, Alison may well have given her name, but it wasn't picked up by Susan.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Susan closed her eyes for about a minute, opened them and said, I have a lady here, she has beautiful sparkling eyes and very attractive, she is a very free spirited person,very happy around people and knows what she wants and goes for it. She died very quickly, she could not breath, it was very quick and no pain. She now knows it was her time to go and she was surrounded by past family who were there to guide her to where she is now. She is so sorry it was so quick and wishes now that we could have had that last hug. ( Before she went out on her bike for that last time, I had asked her for a cuddle/hug, had we had that hug, she would still be here). </span> </div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">She did not realize how much she meant to me and how much I loved her, also did not realize how much her friends loved her. She focused more on giving love than receiving it. She knows this now, but there is nothing she can do to change that, she was overwhelmed at how many people came to her funeral, but she is happy where she is and at peace.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Susan then said there was a man with her, Susan said 'father' and that he never got to say he loved me and that he was very proud of me. I immediately thought it must be my father who died many years ago, but once home and thinking about it, my father would not need to say those words and wouldn't say them, but I knew a man who would!, it was Alison's father who died three years before her.</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgrSXUdqaqr8dLGMngd2llXRtw5lAtRUlb6j7tLTrujkR2urBEwRcH8fpRObgvrmOc3WXMufwR2ziRM6R9bvRTTWnr72lDmv6bEovHv7ggyHG0fJLMhHxu1_oMMDcFgR8TiC-GoNNYg47dc/s1600/dscn0134.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgrSXUdqaqr8dLGMngd2llXRtw5lAtRUlb6j7tLTrujkR2urBEwRcH8fpRObgvrmOc3WXMufwR2ziRM6R9bvRTTWnr72lDmv6bEovHv7ggyHG0fJLMhHxu1_oMMDcFgR8TiC-GoNNYg47dc/s320/dscn0134.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Alison then took over again, the next word to come through was 'Handbag' Susan said she is making a big point as to how special this handbag was and is saying give my love to mum. This handbag was a Gucci handbag and Alison mum had bought it for her, Alison treasured it, it was the only one she used day in day out, she even photographed it, she was so proud of it. Susan asked me if 'handbag' meant anything to me, I said yes, it still has all her things in it. Susan said, yes Alison knows that and knows that you haven't moved any of her things, but it is ok to move things when I feel the time is right. She is now saying Waterfront in Ipswich and coffee shop, she says she went there to relax. Everyday Alison would go down to the re-developed docks in Ipswich to a coffee shop called coffee link, she would often meet friends there or just chill on her own. Then the words University and Vegetarian came through along with a name 'Diana'. Alison's friend who she would often meet at coffeelink, was Petra, she is studying at the University on the waterfront and is vegetarian, Petra's sister is Diana. Eight names came out during the reading all were 'close' connections to me and Alison !</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Many of specific things came through that only I know and that I have had no need to make public on my blog or on Alison's tribute website or Face book, so could not have been looked up, besides it did not appear that Susan even had a computer. In conversation before the reading she said I could record the reading on my mobile phone, I said I don't have a mobile, she said me neither. Besides all she knew of me was my first name.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">My two boys from my first marriage were mentioned, Alison was close to both, more so to my eldest, who she was teaching how to build computers. Susan at this point said that Alison was very intelligent and computer literate, she is saying programming !, that's what Alison did for a living. She is now saying she could read music, but didn't need to use it when playing the piano as she learnt new music by ear. She says she loved dancing and please play my dance music now and again and she is saying bare feet, she always had bare feet, around the house and in the garden Alison was always barefooted. She is saying video, I said yes we watched videos together, Susan said, 'she is being specific about one video, a pause, then, she says 'Ghost' Alison had bought a copy of this dvd a few months earlier, we never got to watch it together, we had both seen it before, but it is still in it's cellophane wrapper amongst all the other dvd's.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">She is now saying 'a painting' Susan asked me if she painted, I said no, it was me who was the artist, she is saying canvass, I said I have used canvass to paint on in the past, but all my paintings are on panel boards. Susan said she is being very specific on canvass, with that the next word to come through, was living room. It then clicked with me, in the living room above our glass table is a large painting I painted for Alison, it is a copy of a painting by Jack Vettriano called the 'The Singing Butler' it is on canvass!</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Susan said she teases me and moves it sometimes, as she knows I don't like pictures crooked, she moves other things but only slightly, so I probably don't notice. I was then told that Alison knows I have a lot of unfinished paintings that I must get completed and that I had recently been asked to do another exhibition, she said I must do it and she will help motivate me.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">She mentions a ring, I said yes I know which ring she means, well she helped you find it. After Alison's passing I could not find her diamond engagement ring, I knew she only wore it occasionally as the clasps holding the diamond were a little weak, also she could not wear it with her riding gloves. I turned the house upside down looking for that ring, just could not find where she had put it. Then one day I looked at a miniature jug tucked up in the corner of the living room book case and immediately knew the ring was in the jug and sure enough there it was.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">She says 'smelly candle'- every evening since Alison was taken I light a fragrant candle in front of her photo on the bookcase, so she knows I do that. Alison then said, I visited you in a dream, you will know the one ! I will visit you again this way sometime. She then indicated that she is always with me, always will be and will help guide me through my life as it is now. If I move on she will move on with me, Oh and there is no need to get a tattoo to remember me by, I have always thought of getting a remembrance tattoo.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">She indicates television, Susan asked if I watched a lot of television, I said yes, more than I used too, she is doing this with her hands, Susan then held out both hands and moved her fingers as if using a game controller, Ah yes</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I do online gaming every night, Susan says yes she watches you. Susan then said you have recently had problems with your computer, Alison knows it is all sorted now. Last month I had a friend come to check out the server upstairs and check if it was ok to turn off one of the computers connected to it.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">She is saying the word Honey, Susan asked me if we liked honey or does the word have significance, I said yes, she called me honey, ok that's what she means by it then, Susan then said Alison has just kissed you on the cheek. Alison knows you talk to her, keep doing so, she does hear you and thank you for talking to me every night before you go to sleep and kissing my photo. I have a photo on the bedside table and always before I go to sleep I talk to her and then kiss the photo before I turn the light off .</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">So there you have it, far more than I ever expected, but then knowing Alison, if she was going to do something it had to be big! Susan said after the reading finished that Alison knew I was having the reading today. Apart from all the amazing things that came through, was that Alison's personality came through as well.</span></div>LIFE WITHOUT ALISONhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00879298256975308891noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6509477560848526701.post-12991610172416133752012-02-21T17:36:00.001+00:002012-02-22T02:28:39.992+00:00Died doing what she loved.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjO9JzRxYZ5d8TisU0fODG0Wgb7iCbm5-sxFRhsR80LeWRe6XI0-xwA58iXIznf6N6xTp9QB9u9vpUphshEMKuk82rQtKaDkzAdHr2ElKuTj_QrRXqMnsGSPv-0WYEHe96Mc6HQQOI6PYTW/s1600/dscn1627.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjO9JzRxYZ5d8TisU0fODG0Wgb7iCbm5-sxFRhsR80LeWRe6XI0-xwA58iXIznf6N6xTp9QB9u9vpUphshEMKuk82rQtKaDkzAdHr2ElKuTj_QrRXqMnsGSPv-0WYEHe96Mc6HQQOI6PYTW/s320/dscn1627.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><style type="text/css">
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<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">When Alison first mentioned getting a bike, I thought it was just one of her ideas that would maybe blow over. She was a bit of an adrenaline junkie at times, she loved anything exciting and dangerous, she had a bucket list of things she wanted to do. Learning to sky dive was one, not just parachuting, but free fall sky diving, once she had learnt that, she had plans to do base jumping (jumping of buildings). Bungy jumping was another and she would have chosen the highest. I remember her asking me once if there was an Olympic 10m dive board in this country, I can see her now above the water 10 meters up and she would give no hesitation in jumping.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">So the bike was mentioned and to be honest it filled me with fear, I knew how dangerous riding was and how vulnerable riders are on the roads today. But once Alison had made up her mind about something, it was going to happen! She didn't have a full bike license, so she booked a whole lot of lessons and within a few weeks passed her bike test first time. Unknown to me, she had already bought her bike prior to the test, the first I knew about it was when she asked me to go with her to the Honda dealers to look at the bike she wanted, there it was with her name on the ticket! </span> </div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Alison was always one for achieving, if there were qualifications to be had she would want them, so she joined courses on advance riding, one with the local motorcycle training school and one with the police, she passed both first time. She was brilliant in everything she did and anything she did had to be perfect, including the riding, but it worried me, her bike was a powerful machine, it was basically a race bike for the road.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I worried every time she went out on the bike, but the fact that she had completed all the advance training, gave me assurance that she could safely handle any situation that may face her while riding and over the months, she clocked up a lot of road miles. </span> </div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">One Saturday afternoon she came down stairs from her study and said 'right, I'm riding to London tonight, for a leaving party of a friend, who was moving abroad' now that did worry me! I tried my hardest to stop her going, but there was no stopping Alison once she had made up her mind to do something. She didn't know the route into central London, so she taped a sat nav to her petrol tank and set off at about 7pm in the dark. God! Did I worry that night. She got to the east end of London and then the sat nav worked loose and fell off and then got run over by another vehicle, but she eventually found the pub where the leaving party was. There was no pub car park and she didn't want to park the bike out of her sight, so Alison being Alison persuaded a group of guys to lift her bike down steps into the beer garden. I think her and the bike where center of attention from then on and she would have loved that!</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">With no sat nav, she then had to find her way out of central London, it took her almost two hours to find the route out, she arrived home at gone 4am absolutely frozen, but on such a high, the highlight of her ride was getting lost , you see she found things like that exciting, a challenge! As was the decision to go in the first place.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Having the bike made her so happy, at times I think she loved it more than me, she adored it and would spend hours cleaning it after rides. Within a month or so of having it, she had the bike apart, everything at some point was taken off the bike, apart from the engine. She had to know how things worked, how things fitted together.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">She decided she wanted different colour lighting on the dashboard, so that was dismantled down to the circuit board and modified, she was so bloody clever! </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFoyoPA7ZPCQ_R9Zlm5hqCZwKWVdxyTXlw1z07DVLAHcXTSwF4_Jwq9N6bsDgAvZTerC5qXxGgnlFE-Ew10GZrXA_J81IGGM3c1PXztGhmmvR7j45aFPkggOh5KBXZU084AKfT887Jc63y/s1600/dscn1103.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFoyoPA7ZPCQ_R9Zlm5hqCZwKWVdxyTXlw1z07DVLAHcXTSwF4_Jwq9N6bsDgAvZTerC5qXxGgnlFE-Ew10GZrXA_J81IGGM3c1PXztGhmmvR7j45aFPkggOh5KBXZU084AKfT887Jc63y/s320/dscn1103.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">The bike was often in the lounge, as much as I used to moan, an afternoon or evening I could put up with but a week! It made her happy so if she was happy I was happy, what I would give to see that bike in the lounge now.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">She was so looking forward to the summer of 2011 and doing lot's of riding, she was also planning a track day, something she really wanted to do. Having good weather in late March and April last year, meant she got a few good rides in before her accident.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I have said before I always feared that knock on the door, at worst being told of a crash with injuries, maybe the bike written off, Alison with a broken leg or arm. You can never prepare yourself for worse than that, the first words from a police officer being ''I'm sorry''</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Yes if she had not got the bike she would still be here, then again a few minutes earlier or later, of her going out that Thursday evening, she would still be here, life is for living and getting the most out of it, Alison did that, she lived for now and the bike made her feel alive, she loved the power, the speed, the sound, she adored it.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Tragically something she loved ended her life, I know that she would not have wished to die any other way, she died doing what she loved.</span></div>LIFE WITHOUT ALISONhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00879298256975308891noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6509477560848526701.post-83564196158406927062012-02-15T18:47:00.000+00:002012-02-15T18:47:33.793+00:00Motivation<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgCxjRXOfg3YUE5lulEaryX51Sr4ngJRwuslX7o5O2jvI3IuljtwocofJCN7voSb7jywssBv0h5wKoTaUXSujZlBeN03bQGJJwr947TfmaXe6cz70P6W8ixEOVlVexYkamjDERwFej5pnA1/s1600/dscn1577.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgCxjRXOfg3YUE5lulEaryX51Sr4ngJRwuslX7o5O2jvI3IuljtwocofJCN7voSb7jywssBv0h5wKoTaUXSujZlBeN03bQGJJwr947TfmaXe6cz70P6W8ixEOVlVexYkamjDERwFej5pnA1/s320/dscn1577.jpg" width="242" /></a></div><style type="text/css">
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<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Now into the tenth month of grief, some seem to think I should be over the grief now and to be honest, if I didn't know what I know now, I would probably think the same of some one who had lost their wife or husband nearly ten months ago. So I don't expect everyone to understand, how can they, I wouldn't understand, had it not happened to me. A few weeks ago two of Alison's young friends popped in for coffee, they are in their early twenties, they have a young open mindedness about loss. We sat chatting and one said in so many words, that I should let go of Alison now and move on, life is for living, look upon your time with Alison as something you have had, as part of life and just take positive things from your time together. Then my face book page was mentioned, in that having it as a shrine to Alison is not doing me any good !</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">This upset me, more so the mention of my FB page, the thing is, these are young friends who have never had a relationship and certainly never fell in love with anyone yet, how can they possibly know what losing Alison has meant to me. I know they meant well and were only thinking of me in saying those things.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I promised Alison to keep her memory alive, that's what she wanted and I want her to be remembered, at least I have done that. </span> </div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I have to live with the fact that Alison is now not a physical part of my life any more and I am really still struggling with that fact. In the early months I had to look at photos or video to remind me of her doing certain things, in those early months my memory shut down, probably to protect and help me get through the first stages of grief.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Now I have clarity of mind, I can picture her clearly doing all the things she used to do, as if she was here only yesterday. I still cannot comprehend she is not a physical person any more, my mind tells me she still is, I think of her in afterlife, that she is the same physical person, but she isn't, she only exists as energy, as spirit, my mind at some point has to fully accept she is not physical any more, she has vanished from this earth and there is nothing I can do about it.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">She is never out of my thoughts, each day is still a challenge to get through without tears at some point, I miss her so dam much, just thinking back on memories triggers the tears and it's not just the memories and the missing her, knowing that she is not here or ever going to be again, is a bad dream I'm never going to wake up from, it is physical separation at it's worst.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I don't want to feel like this! And as I have said many times before, Alison would hate me being like this, I would like to feel at peace and have acceptance of what has happened, it is just going to take a long time to reach that place. After all this time I still haven't got used to being alone, doubt I ever will, ten months, just seems like one month really, doing things alone, not able to share sucks big time. Having no one to bounce ideas off , no one to share opinions with, no one to ask my opinion, no one to chat nonsense too, basically no one to share my life with! I love our house, all the memories are here, but there is no life in the house any more, it was always buzzing with activity, Alison coming and going, friends coming and going, now nothing, just me.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Then there's the 'moments' when suddenly the reality that she is no longer here is magnified and it hits you deep inside. How can she not be here, I can still see her vividly going out the garden gate for the last time in her life, I watched her go not knowing that it would be the last time I ever saw her alive and she went not knowing that she would be lying dead shortly after. As I have said before, we both died that day, only I am left to go on with my life, while feeling dead inside. Grief has consumed me, no one sees it though, on the outside and in company I smile, I laugh, I'm normal, but inside is where the pain is and no one can see it or detect it, they never see me collapsed on my knees sobbing. The hard truth is that I know I have to get over the grief, sooner rather than later. I have to rebuild my life out of what is left, I cant change what has happened, the grief will not get smaller, I have to rebuild my life around it. </span> </div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Which means I have to throw myself into work, to start producing paintings like I did before she was taken. Two weeks before she died I had confirmed a solo exhibition in Edinburgh, it would have been my fifth solo exhibition there. Obviously I had to cancel and since then my motivation to paint has been very low. I have had commissions and have slowly worked on these over the months, but the motivation and drive to produce paintings for various galleries, which have been asking for work, has not been there. </span> </div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">By nature, painting is a solitary profession, but not so solitary when you have a partner, Alison would often come in the studio and look over my shoulder at what I was working on, just a little thing like that I miss so much, then of course Alison was the first to see any finished painting.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">So I have to now to do it alone, just like everything else! I'm hoping that once I get into painting again productively, it will give me focus and a sense of achievement again, I have to find that motivation! for Alison and myself.</span></div>LIFE WITHOUT ALISONhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00879298256975308891noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6509477560848526701.post-45314293645679137582012-01-30T17:40:00.006+00:002012-02-15T15:13:54.504+00:00The book<style type="text/css">
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<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhPwt2owABxxaFD2XojQnmUFlvUXx7YxK0ELr4CQd-hYh31eLpvLtDbHn48XNMAfNI4XHMVjHA_rClvLuc1HOVr0HfYxgcYOptirO3zarqNaioZavlAbC_JLnyfW-gNz8I380C1vtRFJlC-/s1600/DSC_094.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhPwt2owABxxaFD2XojQnmUFlvUXx7YxK0ELr4CQd-hYh31eLpvLtDbHn48XNMAfNI4XHMVjHA_rClvLuc1HOVr0HfYxgcYOptirO3zarqNaioZavlAbC_JLnyfW-gNz8I380C1vtRFJlC-/s320/DSC_094.JPG" width="212" /></a></div><span style="font-size: medium;">Just a short post about my progress: </span><br />
<span style="font-size: medium;">A couple of weeks ago I had not been well, the first illness I have had since Alison's loss. I felt as if all the strength I have shown over the last eight and a half months, had suddenly been sapped from my body both physically and mentally. Of course not feeling well doesn't help with emotions, I withdrew into my inner self and suddenly the pin prick of light at the end of the tunnel seemed even further away, not that it was very close in the first place. I felt more lost and alone now than ever.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Sunday 22<sup>nd</sup>, was one one of my darkest days since losing Alison, I have had many dark days but this day was just a black hole of despair and loss. I hadn't slept well and from the moment of waking up, going downstairs to make my morning coffee, the crying started, I cried on and off all day, I felt pathetic, I felt broken, I felt lost, also the crying was different , it was coming from deep inside me and it hurt. </span> </div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I miss her more now than ever, every minute of the day I miss her, this is not right she should be here, that's what my mind keeps telling me, I am so struggling to live without her, but no one sees it. She is no longer here but she is still the center of my every thought and emotion, which is why I still cry so much. The future scares me, I had never planned to be alone at my age, Alison was for life, facing the future with out her, is no future, it will be just as it is now an existence. </span> </div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I know she would hate me feeling like this, she would hate to think I'm not getting on with life and enjoying myself, but I really cant help feeling like I do and as for enjoying myself, well that at the moment almost seems like betrayal and that is something I know I have to overcome at some point. Then again how can I really enjoy life again, you need someone to share your life with to fully enjoy it, I had that, now I haven't.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">She was so much part of me, of who I was, when she came into my life she changed my life into something so special, so special all the love I have put into words throughout this blog, is just the tip of the iceberg as to what I felt for her, she was without doubt the greatest person I ever knew and am so proud she chose me to be part of my life.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Once feeling better the dark cloud that hung over me lifted and for some reason I started to see things in a different light. It is now nine months since my loss, I seem to be slowly accepting what has happened and how much my life has changed. The life before is gone for good, as hard as it is, I have to start accepting that, but my love for her remains and that is all I have of her until the day we meet again.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Will we meet again? </span> </div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Well I have two choices of belief, that there is absolutely nothing after we die or that we live on in spirit in an afterlife. I will go with the latter, I have done endless research on afterlife and from what I have seen and read, there is far more proof that there is life after than proof that there isn't.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I have recently bought a book titled '<i>The survival of the soul</i>' by Lisa Williams. It has given me much needed acceptance of her passing and belief that I will be with Alison again when my time comes.</span></div><div class="western" style="color: #3d85c6; margin-bottom: 0cm;"><i><span style="font-size: medium;">A note, if you are very early in grief, then give it a good few months before reading this book, it will then make much more sense to you. Also read it with an open mind.</span></i></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">The book explains in detail, step by step of what happens when we die and the journey we take in the the afterlife. </span> </div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">There is a chapter on finding your soul mate and that some never do, but if you do it is often much later in life and often after several relationships first. It describes the sort of love and understanding two soul mates have and how it differs from a normal relationship, it described me and Alison perfectly! There is a chapter on why our loved ones cannot always visit us and show themselves, hence only subtle signs are ever received, usually within the first ninety days of passing, this is true of the signs I received, they were all very early on after her passing. After ninety days or so the spirit passes over to the next level in afterlife and will only visit again occasionally. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: medium;"> This book has helped me understand where she is now and that it is an amazing place according to what I have read, not just in this book, but during other research. I could not of imagined a year ago that I would be reading books like this or indeed writing this blog, but I am and this is reality, I need to understand in order to move forward.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: medium;"><a href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/Survival-Soul-Lisa-Williams/dp/1848502184/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1327945188&sr=8-1" target="_blank">CLICK for book details.</a><br />
</span></div>LIFE WITHOUT ALISONhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00879298256975308891noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6509477560848526701.post-70801777176340210622012-01-05T12:52:00.001+00:002012-01-05T13:08:53.311+00:00Just a number.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-irTrVzVta_Y/TwWbw69nTdI/AAAAAAAAAEE/81elAvs90Do/s1600/alyg.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-irTrVzVta_Y/TwWbw69nTdI/AAAAAAAAAEE/81elAvs90Do/s320/alyg.jpg" width="236" /></a></div><style type="text/css">
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<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Here I am at the start of 2012, a year that Alison has never existed, that statement is heartbreaking! I tell myself it is just a number, that's what I kept telling myself New Years Eve, spent with a friend in Essex. I had decided to escape the party I was invited too next door to me, fearing that come midnight, I would be an emotional wreck and that would just upset people and spoil what is a happy occasion. So the night was spent quietly watching a movie on TV and plenty of food and wine. We watched the countdown on BBC1 and then the fireworks. I promised myself not to cry in front of my friend, I kept too that promise, except for just one small single tear , that fell unnoticed as Big Ben struck midnight. </span> </div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">It was a restless nights sleep that followed, by morning I could feel all the emotion brewed up inside me. Arriving home mid morning to an empty house, was the release valve, within a minute of walking through the door, I just sank to my knees and sobbed and sobbed, with a few wails thrown in for good measure.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Just a number it maybe, but now I have to say that 'Alison died last year', that in itself makes it sound a long time ago. </span> </div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">So 2012 is here, a year that Alison will not be physically part of or the years that follow, how the f---k can that be, all those that have something to offer this world are taken early, for some reason, the brightest stars always burn out first, she was definitely one of the brightest! </span> </div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">This new year stretches out before me, normally I would be excited and happy, as would Alison, we would both have loads to look forward to.Last year she was so looking forward to the warm weather coming, so she could get out on her bike more, not that she didn't ride it during the winter, if it was dry she was out on it, but for obvious reasons warm weather meant more rides and nicer ones. She loved her bike so much and thankfully as we had a warm spring last year, she at least got some good rides in before her life was tragically cut short. She was always eager to get me on the bike with her, I always refused, not because I was scared or didn't trust her riding skills, just that being pillion did not appeal, but I so regret now not ever saying yes, as it would have made her day and you know what, I wish I had been pillion the day she crashed and that we had both died together, I'm serious on that!</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">How can I be excited and happy, the one person that made my life exciting and happy has gone. It maybe just over eight months ago or last year as it is now, but too me it seems just last week that I lost her, the pain hasn't eased, it is the same just in a different perspective, which in time brings. To be honest I am finding it harder now and as the time goes on, I cry and I cry a lot! in short bursts and more intensely. I'm not just crying for my loss as great as it is, but also Alison's loss in all the things she would have done over the past months and all the things she wanted to do in the months and years to follow. I have emptiness in my life, that I have never had or experienced before and know that it will always be there, as it can never be filled. </span> </div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I keep asking myself and often say out loud, 'how can she be dead', all these months on and my mind just cannot accept that she is dead-what a horrible word, but it is fact, yet I can't accept it. I know she is never coming back, yet my mind thinks she is still as she was in physical form but in another place that is beyond vision or communication, I think my mind is expecting a miracle and that one day she will walk through the door-how I wish. </span> </div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">But deep down I know our life together has ended, a life together when I look back I took for granted, as we all do, there was always a lifetime to do all the things you wanted to do together, that's how it should be, but for some of us there are different plans, way beyond our control and Alison's time ran out long before it should have done, bless her.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">So how do I get over this grief ? Reading about grief, the answer is to let go, easier said than done, how can I let go, I still love her, if I let go I can move forward and if the existence of afterlife is true, if I let go, she can move forward too (more on that in my next post). But I'm moving forward anyway with out letting go, for time drags me along regardless. </span> </div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I can't help but think of her continuously, I'm surrounded by all her things and her life as it was, it is the only way I can still have her. </span> </div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I don't know where 2012 will take me, maybe the anniversary of her passing at the end of April will be a turning point and my mind will click into a happier place, I know I will never ever be as happy and content as I was when Aly was alive, it really was a life so perfect, we had ups and downs like all couples, but we had a bond so strong, which is why I'm feeling so much pain and loss. The loneliness without her will never go!</span></div>LIFE WITHOUT ALISONhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00879298256975308891noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6509477560848526701.post-30771076876731801292011-12-28T21:09:00.001+00:002011-12-28T22:57:52.243+00:001.5 Seconds<style type="text/css">
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<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Since losing Alison, now eight months ago today, I had dreaded the festive period, it was always a special time for us and Christmas day was always just Alison and me, we loved it. How could I have ever imagined that Christmas 2010 was to be our last together.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">So my first Christmas without her and I got through it, I was invited next door for the day, it really helped me get through, I held it together until I got back here. Now that day is behind me, I'm in a void until the next event 'New Years Eve' after that 2012 looms ahead, it is daunting, but all I can do is carry on taking things day by day, until maybe one day my mind clicks into more acceptance that she is no longer here.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I still cannot comprehend and doubt ever will, how my life changed so drastically in April in the blink of an eye. For that's what it was, in fact according to the accident investigation, 1.5 seconds to be exact , the time it took for Alison to fall from her bike and impact with the oncoming vehicle.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">In 1.5 seconds I lost everything that mattered in my life, she was the structure of my life , we were one, she was my twin soul! Eight months gone! how I have got this far I really don't know, the minds ability to go numb in those early weeks/months obviously helps, it is a natural mechanism to help you get through, but you don't realise it at the time. If I hadn't started this blog and written everything down, I wouldn't have any gauge of how I have progressed on this journey. </span> </div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">It hasn't got easier, but then I didn't expect it too, but I must have found some inner strength to get me this far, although you wouldn't think so if you saw me in total meltdown at times. I'm still fragile, the slightest disruption in routine or something going wrong, even something trivial has an effect on me, so getting through this festive period was a big but unavoidable step, but I did and far better than I expected, thanks to some good friends.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">As mentioned in the previous post, the missing her is far more intense now, constant conversation and interaction that you have as a couple I long for, but it is something I will never have again, coming to terms with that is bloody hard, I have lost confidence in myself, my status has changed, being widowed, single whatever you want to call it, is not nice, I don't feel important any more, I haven't got anyone I want to feel important for.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Next hurdle is New Years Eve, that is actually more daunting than Christmas day, for I will be seeing out the year in which I lost Aly and starting a new year without her and within the new year, I will have the anniversary of her passing to get through and her birthday a few weeks before. The distance from losing her is getting ever greater, but it still seems at times that I lost her just a week or so ago.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">We didn't see the New Year in together last year, as she was invited to go with friends down to Cornwall, she was initially indecisive about going, but I said go and have a great time, you may not get another chance, how </span><span style="font-size: medium;">tragically </span><span style="font-size: medium;"> true those last words! I am so pleased she did go and she did have a great time. How could either of us imagine then, that she would never see another New Year. </span> </div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">This year, I'm going to a friends on new years eve, as there will be parties going on all around me here, I really cannot celebrate, understandably there is nothing for me to celebrate! So it will be just a quiet reflection of what has happened and what life means now that I don't have Alison.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">When she was alive,I could never imagine life without her, but here I am facing just that! </span> </div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I hope that I don't come across as negative and miserable, I'm really not, am I happy? No, but I'm not unhappy, I'm purely heartbroken and sad, dealing with the loss the best way I can and knowing that Aly would not want me to just give up and sink into misery and depression. I cry when I need to, it is not everyday that I cry now, I very rarely take my happy pills now, so that is a good indication of how I'm coping. I do still wander the house though, not believing she has gone, how can someone so electric not exist any more, my mind hasn't totally grasped that yet, I'm desperately lonely of her, I know I always will be.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br />
</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">So a new year beckons, I will carry on keeping her memory alive, I have a memorial bike ride to organize, which will take part on the anniversary of her passing, she will love that if she is watching, but will be probably pissed off in not taking part.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">You know, I still worry about her every day, that's how deep my love is, this whole experience has been surreal and remains so, I really hope she is ok and with me sometimes, yes I have had messages saying she is, but I need the 20% doubt taken away, maybe my reading next year will do that.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
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</div>LIFE WITHOUT ALISONhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00879298256975308891noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6509477560848526701.post-2010475997949727152011-12-21T16:58:00.003+00:002012-01-23T17:37:18.902+00:00Messages again.<style type="text/css">
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<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">This is another short post, as a follow on to the previous two posts.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Those who have read this blog from the beginning will know my degree of belief of life after death. Before Alison died, I really didn't give it any thought, I liked to believe there was something after of course, Alison was the opposite, she was very factual about it, once your gone there is nothing, that was her belief, although sometimes she would say, I hope I meet up with my Daddy, contradicting herself.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I am still at the 75% point of believing there is an after life, for the further 25% I will need hard evidence, suddenly seeing Alison somewhere in the house as an apparition or having something move would convince me. Or when I go to see a medium next year and I'm told things that only I and Alison know.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">As stated in several posts, I have found several white feathers in the garden, in specific places and at specific times, I always said to myself if I find one inside the house I would be convinced, well I did, but I still look for the logical reason it was there. It is the same with the faint banging noise in the house, well I think it is almost definitely air in the heating system.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Anyway on the Wednesday after finding the feather in the house, my eldest son Nathan was visiting his friend Dave , myself or Alison have never met Dave, Nathan phoned me on the Thursday and said Dad I have something to tell you;</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">He went on to say that while he was there, Dave suddenly blurted out, 'you have a girl standing next to you Nathan' my son said what do you mean?, he repeated and said, 'she says Aly, this freaked Nathan a bit, Dave then said has she got long blond hair? Nathan said yes, Dave said well she is next to you!</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">What followed where several broken messages, but because Nathan was obviously freaked, he couldn't take in everything this guy was saying, but told me three things that Alison said through this guy for me, I quote:</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">'Don't go there I don't like it, I'm at the house with you! By this I guess she means don't keep going to the crash site, when you think of it, rightly so it would be the last place she would want to be dragged back too.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">'Thank you for the garden' she would always thank me when I had the garden looking nice, she loved it looking good. There is no possible way that Dave would know I had worked hard on the garden to get it nice.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Nathan mentioned the white feathers I have found in the garden, the guy said yes that's her!</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I have to keep an open mind on all this, as I said until I get hard evidence I will not be satisfied, that hard evidence may never come! In the meantime after this latest happening, I think I maybe at the 90% point.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">But just because we can't see, doesn't mean it's not there, radio waves are all around us, but we can't see them. It has been suggested that the spirit world is parallel to the earthly plane, maybe it is, they can see and hear us, but unless gifted we cannot see or hear them, they are energy and energy does not die. They vibrate at a much higher frequency than we do in physical form, only certain gifted people 'mediums' can bring their vibration to near that frequency.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Thinking outside the box, maybe there is a very good reason that contact is limited, imagine if everyone could communicate with there deceased loved ones and it was common knowledge that after life was better than here, we could have an empty planet!! Just a thought.</span></div>LIFE WITHOUT ALISONhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00879298256975308891noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6509477560848526701.post-36361468401737738332011-12-16T02:59:00.001+00:002011-12-16T03:01:55.691+00:00The dvd and the feather.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg564FGQykuOlpJ2AOD5sx1tbpY3Cw4ullsbf5Fv80CcnNKVI0dzh5KTVoo3VgdvGI8WYkRG8azkoMsmpQ2HxtX9t3Cp-t66ee6GT2P_wWzkJRgYGFXXE4cPYK2TKs963ahuETmZCWGQcNo/s1600/DSC_0927.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg564FGQykuOlpJ2AOD5sx1tbpY3Cw4ullsbf5Fv80CcnNKVI0dzh5KTVoo3VgdvGI8WYkRG8azkoMsmpQ2HxtX9t3Cp-t66ee6GT2P_wWzkJRgYGFXXE4cPYK2TKs963ahuETmZCWGQcNo/s320/DSC_0927.JPG" width="212" /></a></div><style type="text/css">
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<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Just a short post, a follow on from the previous post '<i>Is she around</i>' .</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Things keep happening that cannot be put down to coincidence or whatever. Last Sunday evening I was watching TV, in a commercial break, a trailer for the new dvd of '<i>Rise of the Planet of the Apes</i>' was shown.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I instantly got a feeling of Alison saying 'whoa we have to see that' as I got that feeling, I had a high pitch whistle in my ears, like you do when a high or low frequency hits you occasionally. I thought yeah, you want to see that! I will buy it tomorrow. The feeling I had was instant as if she was standing beside me watching the trailer.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">The theory of the high pitch whistle in the ears , could be caused by the frequency of spirit, they vibrate at a much higher frequency than the living, so I have read.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">So I bought a copy the next day, wasn't sure when I was going to watch it, as it was going to be the first movie I will have watched alone, since she was taken. Watching movies together was special, I would sit on one of the sofas and she would stretch out on the floor in front of me, on her favourite pink and multi coloured hearts blanket. I now lay that blanket down in front of me where she would lay, every evening !</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">So that Monday night, I was just about to call it a day, switch everything off and go to bed, it was 1.30am, but for no apparent reason, decided to watch the dvd – not a bad film- but could have been better, Alison would have thought the same. Anyway watching it alone, was not as bad as I imagined as I sort of imagined she was watching it with me, well I hoped so! That was another hurdle overcome and I was pleased about that. </span> </div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Late to bed, but that's the norm these days, next morning I got up about 10 am, did the usual routine, got dressed, went into my studio turned the computer on, then into the bathroom, then down the stairs to make coffee.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">At the bottom of the stairs, I stopped, not believing what I saw! right in front of the bottom step, in the middle of the hallway was a white feather. Now if you have read this blog you will know I have found several white feathers and the meaning of finding them, but I never expected to ever find one inside the house, with no explanation of how it got there, it was not there when I went to bed.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Was this Alison saying thank you ?</span></div>LIFE WITHOUT ALISONhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00879298256975308891noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6509477560848526701.post-82775916993201981492011-12-11T10:58:00.007+00:002012-01-23T17:36:10.983+00:00Is she around?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1ILIjZU9ntxDxu1S2UzKQe9Sx7o57lkMVOQax4X8WHgXmc1WPKXRJRRGoo-PV-hlpJ9dMPyXBDQQadq0iabsyGTw__0PQOdAvPYAZEIcDmGSK2cEsYhl2qynP5aho4kkI9_XND_7GoM47/s1600/006.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="259" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1ILIjZU9ntxDxu1S2UzKQe9Sx7o57lkMVOQax4X8WHgXmc1WPKXRJRRGoo-PV-hlpJ9dMPyXBDQQadq0iabsyGTw__0PQOdAvPYAZEIcDmGSK2cEsYhl2qynP5aho4kkI9_XND_7GoM47/s320/006.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><style type="text/css">
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<span style="font-size: medium;">Life is very surreal at the moment, it is the only way I can describe it. Life is normal in the sense that I'm working and doing most things I would be doing if Alison was here, but then at the same time it's not normal, it never will be normal any more, the emptiness will never go. I constantly have her in my thoughts, I still have tears everyday at some point, usually in the evening, actually more than tears, it is uncontrolled sobbing, it does make me feel pathetic, but that's how much I miss her and sobbing is the release valve. </span> </div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">As mentioned in the previous post lot's of memories are flooding back now my mind is no longer numb, the missing her is much more intense.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I'm surrounded by her things, the top floor of the house is still as she left it, a couple of pairs of her shoes are still by the patio doors, her coats still hang in the downstairs closet and if I open her wardrobe – well complete breakdown – but that's how I want it, I need her things close to me. The top floor of the house is a shrine to her, it was her space, where she worked and played, it is still her space if she is around sometimes and wants to use it.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">That last comment brings me to the main subject of this post, is she around? I have no hard evidence that she is or has been, just things that could be put down to coincidence (see earlier posts), but just lately I have had two instances of briefly smelling the fabric conditioner that she used to use, I haven't used any since she was taken from me ! </span> </div>LIFE WITHOUT ALISONhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00879298256975308891noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6509477560848526701.post-40766571110628940392011-11-28T11:02:00.001+00:002011-11-28T11:05:32.843+00:00Seven months on.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhuajx3EwQ0d_YeeqE9dXXLTD36l57P6oIMuFu2LKsoYf1hG0dtZZUX3jNZ97znDLfIEt8khdhQDhhQfOb-Xa4-GVvqz2746Ny0Hi-ah2oUvwfnbzChd78VHSMJs1X9gQ-6kGI9H5Z4gS_2/s1600/dscf1055.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhuajx3EwQ0d_YeeqE9dXXLTD36l57P6oIMuFu2LKsoYf1hG0dtZZUX3jNZ97znDLfIEt8khdhQDhhQfOb-Xa4-GVvqz2746Ny0Hi-ah2oUvwfnbzChd78VHSMJs1X9gQ-6kGI9H5Z4gS_2/s320/dscf1055.jpg" width="225" /></a></div><style type="text/css">
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<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Today I am at exactly seven months into this journey. I still find it unbelievable that Alison is not here, waking up every morning to an empty house is so hard.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I was warned about the start of the six month point of grief as being the hardest period. Early on in this journey I hoped those warnings where not true, as at the time I figured nothing can get any worse than how I was feeling having just lost the girl I valued more than life itself.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Since hitting that six month point, at times I have been in virtual meltdown, I have been deeper in the pit of grief than I thought possible, even dark thoughts have manifested themselves again, but they are just thoughts thankfully, Alison would not want me to do anything stupid, but you get these feelings that you just want to be with her and that you don't want to be here any more. The physical distance from her grows as life travels on, I have no control over that and it still scares me, where the last seven months have gone I don't know, it still feels like I lost her only a week or so ago. Memories are now seeping back, things I couldn't remember in those early weeks, just little things I now remember can set me off crying.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">But surely at seven months I should be ok, well over the worst, moving on, letting go, well that's what a few family members think and have said recently, '<i>come on you have to get over it and cheer up', get on with life</i>, they say. <i>Alison would not want you grieving, she would want you to be happy. </i></span> </div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Oh! if only it was that easy, do they think I want to be feeling like this and sure I know Alison would not want to see me like this, but the early weeks progressing with out her and thinking she would be proud of me for coping are long gone. They were weeks of functioning on auto pilot in a surreal world, what I'm going through now is 'real time' grief, unmasked by numbness and shock. </span> </div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I'm told I should now give more time to my family, more time to my two new grandsons, get out more and enjoy life.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I really don't want to do happy families. Why should they expect more of me now than when Alison was alive, why criticise the way I am handling my grief, I doubt, that one side of my family has even read this blog or even looked at any websites associated with Alison's memory, if they did, they may have a better understanding. These comments came about because I missed a family gathering, I just didn't feel up to it having had a really bad day the day before</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Everything has changed, as I have said many times my life as I knew it stopped on the 28<sup>th</sup> of April,, I have now got to adapt to this life/existence and it is going to take time, a long time.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I have been told by counsellors and many people I know online going through the same, that it can take years to find some sort of peace and understanding and the fact that I have trauma associated with the grief makes it harder. </span> </div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I am fragile and it doesn't take much to make me a total wreck, sobbing my heart out on the floor, yes even at seven months! I still cry everyday at some point. </span> </div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Yes I'm in a bubble, once in awhile I step out of that bubble, but go back in as it is my comfort zone for the time being. Those on the outside see seven months as a long time, on the inside it is a very short time. I'm not always miserable or depressed, just totally heartbroken and sad, not a minute goes by without her in my thoughts and missing her so badly, but I do smile and laugh sometimes.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">She was such a massive part of my life, more massive than even she realised. She was fun, she was full of life, she was unique, she made me feel complete, she made me feel proud, she made me feel important, she gave me confidence, she gave me purpose, I had someone I could love and care for, worry about, make happy and most importantly share my life with, all those things have gone for good, I only have my memories left and that's not enough, which is why I will always ache for her physical presence and knowing that I will never have that physical presence, just compounds my pain.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">She always said she only wished one thing should she die, that is to be remembered and not forgotten by all who knew her, well I am making sure she is getting her wish and will do so until my last day.</span></div>LIFE WITHOUT ALISONhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00879298256975308891noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6509477560848526701.post-68186285887727401382011-11-15T18:38:00.000+00:002011-11-15T18:38:14.810+00:00ADC maybe!<style type="text/css">
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</style> <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4qD1MkEBMaUCsjakFj9OrrIDZKwGbmaYYFMQeVBMLx989JHjGZkOUMbsEpjngLJrf5Cw4WicoMO6t4IVVZbeyk_MaX-EwGONS2rF0vwgHijRrM4ZhXkz-pZ17e8srBK5khjZ7AnMj_NS0/s1600/heaven.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4qD1MkEBMaUCsjakFj9OrrIDZKwGbmaYYFMQeVBMLx989JHjGZkOUMbsEpjngLJrf5Cw4WicoMO6t4IVVZbeyk_MaX-EwGONS2rF0vwgHijRrM4ZhXkz-pZ17e8srBK5khjZ7AnMj_NS0/s320/heaven.jpg" width="238" /></a></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">In a previous post 'dreams', I described four particular dreams that in them I had the feeling of an electric charge running through my body, in each dream feeling a presence but not seeing anyone and then waking up quickly after. Also as mentioned, Alison has never been in my dreams.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Well that changed on Sunday night, I had been very emotional Sunday evening – no change there – I am still struggling with the long evenings/nights. Well Sunday night I had the fifth of these peculiar dreams, within the dream the electrical charge feeling came over me, starting from my head and moving slowly down my body, it's really not a pleasant feeling. But this time I didn't wake up, maybe subconsciously I made myself not wake up, I do seem to remember saying to myself in the dream, don't wake up, the feeling subsided and right in front of me vividly was Alison with arms open wide, we walked towards each other and hugged, I remember asking her questions, but cannot remember what, I then woke up.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I told Alison's mother about the dream on the Monday, she has also not dreamt of Alison, but Sunday night she did as well and said she felt complete calm and happiness after.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">So was this just a coincidence, just ordinary dreams or a 'visit'.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">There is a lot of info on the internet about after death communication (ADC) here is a paragraph from one website:</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="western" style="color: #b45f06; margin-bottom: 0cm;"><i><span style="font-size: medium;">Many experience after death communication through dreams. Dreaming it seems, provides the perfect conditions for after death contact to occur. When dreaming, our vibration is naturally elevated. Thus, we’re in a particularly receptive state to make a connection with the deceased. When we dream, the rational, judgemental portions of our mind are temporarily suspended and it is easy for us to merge with the soul energy of those who reside in spirit. Dreams about deceased loved ones can greatly aid our grieving process. My deceased loved ones continue to be an active part of my dreaming life. This helps me to feel that they are still an ongoing part of my life in general.</span></i></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">So who knows, maybe the electrical charge I feel is Alison's energy, I certainly have never in my life experienced that feeling before she was taken.</span></div>LIFE WITHOUT ALISONhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00879298256975308891noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6509477560848526701.post-64527696772863257482011-11-12T00:49:00.000+00:002011-11-12T00:49:41.599+00:00Claws of grief<style type="text/css">
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</style> <div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Well the claws of grief have really hooked into me over the last few days, I should have known after getting through one day without crying, the first in over six months, that grief was just waiting until I was off guard to stab it's claws in and pull me back to reality. I cry harder now than I have done before.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I'm missing Alison more and more, the numbness of my mind has gone, the lovely memories are flooding back. That's all I have now memories, the reality that she does not exist any more is hitting me hard. I constantly ask myself how someone so vibrant so full of life, who had achieved so much in life, can be beside my bed in a multicoloured urn.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Will I ever adapt to this new life of no choosing? God knows, I can only go by what others who have been through the same and are further on than me, have said, in that it does get easier. I must mention that I have had a lot of online support from dozens of others who are going through this, some earlier in the journey, some later, we all support each other, one or two have become very good online friends, they know who they are.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I must also mention my neighbours Claire and Shaun, without them I would definitely not have got this far, they have always been there for me, they were close to Alison, so understand, Claire was also sitting next to me in the police car when the police woman broke the news, we both went into shock together.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Adapting to this new life is the only choice I have, it is the biggest challenge I have ever faced, losing Alison has shattered my life to pieces, I doubt I will ever get those pieces back together again, if they do go back , they will never be in the right order . As I mentioned in a recent post, the distance thing is getting to me, in the early weeks, months I felt her near, I imagined she was just the other side of a one way mirror, she could see and hear me, but I couldn't see or hear her. I would like to believe that is how it is, just as I would like to believe in after life, but the time distance is fading that belief. Alison was so intelligent and clever, I ask myself if anyone can make contact from the other side if there is life after, in any way, she could, but she doesn't, so that's why disbelief is now over powering any belief I had , that in turn makes me feel even more lonely for my loss. </span> </div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">She has still yet to make an appearance in my dreams, I long for her to be in them, everyone else is but not her, that is something I really cannot understand. I am often with some one in my dreams, but I never see their face or I just cant remember their face when I wake.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I miss the normal conversation that couples have, I miss sharing thoughts and ideas that can only be shared with a partner, I miss everything! how can that ever be replaced. This house was for both of us, we were the first and only ones to live here, it has our imprint, but now I'm the only one here, it seems so wrong and empty. The fun has gone from my life, with Alison it was fun with a capital F, never a dull moment from one day to the next. She gave me love in a way I have never had before, we were totally in tune with each other. </span> </div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">She brought excitement to my life, now I feel none, nothing excites me any more, I don't see a future, the future was me and her, that is now gone.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I have memories, pictures, video, she is in my heart in my mind, but it's never going to be enough, but the brutal truth is that it will have to be as it's all I've got! She is never coming back, I will never ever see her again, how the hell can I live with the loss of her, she was my happiness, I can never be truthfully happy again.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">So yeah at the moment I am really struggling, yeah I put on a brave face, I get on with things, but the pain is always there, this nightmare I can never wake up from goes on. </span> </div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I'm not suicidal, don't think I'm depressed, I simply just miss the one person in my life that I thought would always be there, the person that made my life complete and who I loved so deeply, that not even she realised how deep my love was.</span></div>LIFE WITHOUT ALISONhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00879298256975308891noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6509477560848526701.post-58734009767859658582011-11-04T11:11:00.005+00:002011-11-05T16:34:01.188+00:00Alison don't go------my last words to her.<style type="text/css">
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<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">So where now? </span> </div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">As mentioned in my last post the first six months of my grief have been mixed with the legal formalities that follow the death of a loved one and even more with the loss through a road traffic accident. The inquest is the last of those legal formalities.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">So again as I mentioned in the last post I'm in sort of limbo at the moment, I know the direction I need to be going now and that is forward and that does not mean move on or let go, two terminologies that I hate. Going forward and not thinking back too often about the accident is what I have to do, not easy, but I cannot change anything that has happened, the brutal truth is that I have lost her physically from my life, by nothing more than tragic bad luck and a sequence of events that where in perfect line. </span> </div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I know the only way forward is the future and that is now, at the moment on my mind, time stands still for no one. The future scares me because Alison will never be forgotten by me, but she will be further away from me physically through time. It is as if I always want to be where I am now in grief as hard as it is, I want the scar and also want the scar to be forever visible. Yet I am saying all this and I am still in the early stages of grieving and the advice is not to think too far ahead, but you cant help but think about it. </span> </div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">With the worry of the inquest now behind me, my mind is clear to focus on the nicer memories, that in itself brings a whole new phase to this grieving malarkey, I still cannot look easily at photos and video of Alison taken more than four years ago and going back to the first time we met, I will be able too gradually in time, but at the moment if I choose to look at them the floodgates just open. In the 8 short years together, we achieved so much, we had a bonding that most couples never discover, I was devoted to her more than she ever realised, I still am and I really cannot see that changing.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: medium;"> </span> </div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Now that the inquest is done and dusted, I can now disclose that she was very stressed on the day she lost her life.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Alison was easily stressed out and very sensitive to any form of negativity in her friendships, often she would take things the wrong way and often the negativity she felt was unfounded or never there.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Anyway late afternoon she decided to go out on the bike to chill out, she was really wound up and really snappy , she asked me if I had any change as she needed petrol for the bike, I gave her all the loose change I had, five one pound coins. Handing the five pounds to her I said the last words I ever spoke to her, <b>' Alison don't go out on the bike, your too stressed out, you will kill yourself !'</b> less than 20 minutes later she was dead! </span> </div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">It is on record that she was stressed and that it may have impaired her judgement in dealing with the unsettling of the bike prior to the bike losing grip.I will never know for certain what happened in those last moments of her life, only one person knows and that is Alison.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
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</span></div>LIFE WITHOUT ALISONhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00879298256975308891noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6509477560848526701.post-85672434287370170172011-11-02T19:43:00.001+00:002011-11-02T20:03:44.535+00:00The Inquest<style type="text/css">
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<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Another short post (contains some graphic detail)</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
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</div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">All seems quite strange now after the inquest on Alison's accident, a sort of in limbo feeling. The last six months have all been leading up to the inquest day, when after, I could hopefully put closure on the accident part of this journey of grief, or so I thought. </span> </div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Because I now know exactly and in detail what happened and the injuries she received that caused her death, the vision will stay with me. But it is closure because there is nothing more to know. </span> </div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">So today it has felt strange, almost the same sort of feeling as after her celebration (funeral), the where do I go from here sort of feeling, knowing life will drag me along regardless. </span> </div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Anyway the inquest was very brief, the verdict tragic accident. I must praise the emergency services, including the fire crew who immediately started working on Alison to try and keep her alive before the ambulance crew arrived, which was within minutes. Tragically she went into cardiac arrest before they got there, but they continued to fight for her life on the way to and in the hospital. They tried everything in their power for forty minutes, but could not get her heart beating again and it was then she was pronounced dead. At the time they had no idea of her internal injuries and the fact the injuries were not survivable, broken ribs on her left side had sliced her left lung in two, she officially died of </span><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">heamothorax, which is massive collection of blood in the chest cavity causing massive pressure on vital organs.</span></span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">I must also praise the the police investigation team and the family liaison officer who has been there for support throughout the last six months.</span></span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">So now the next six months, which includes very soon the one period I have been dreading, I am not even going to mention it in word yet, but it was the one time that was very special too both of us, getting through that is my next big challenge, how I will do it I don't know. </span></span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">In the meantime I am still learning how to live without her and the overwhelming emptiness in my life. </span></span></div>LIFE WITHOUT ALISONhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00879298256975308891noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6509477560848526701.post-40688377568555263232011-10-31T15:53:00.002+00:002011-11-02T01:45:20.308+00:00Riding gear.<style type="text/css">
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<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Just a short post.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">This morning upon my request, Alison's riding gear was brought back to me. I had been fore warned by the police that I would find it distressing, but since reading the accident report I felt strong enough and prepared for what I would find inside the sealed police bag.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">So the police liaison officer duly arrived with the said bag. He asked if I wanted to open it in his presence, that I may need support in doing so, but I said no it's ok, I'm prepared. We chatted and I said, 'You know I could understand her crashing if she had lost control at 70mph or so, but 30mph just doesn't make sense. His reply was, it was a million to one chance, being in the wrong place at the wrong time, he then said, imagine you have five hoops and a pencil, you throw the five hoops high in the air and you then throw the pencil and it goes through all five hoops, a million to one chance, if one or two hoops are not in line then ? so in other words with an accident, every sequence has to be just right for a fatality. </span> </div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Police officer left and I took a deep breath and carried the bag into the kitchen, sat on the floor and unsealed it. I took out each item one by one, I thought would just become a sobbing wreck on the kitchen floor, but no, instead a strange calmness came over me, it was as if Alison was watching and also the fact that I had part of her back, also I could smell her on some of the items. I sort of felt guilty that I wasn't sobbing my heart out, maybe that will come later, to be honest I wish I was a wreck on the kitchen floor, it would have made more sense.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">She loved her all black riding gear as much as her bike, they were part of her and I am so glad to have them back, regardless of there condition and the obvious signs of trauma.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: medium;">(To leave a comment, just click comments below) </span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div>LIFE WITHOUT ALISONhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00879298256975308891noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6509477560848526701.post-67186935194325472702011-10-28T00:42:00.003+01:002011-10-28T02:36:49.998+01:00The dying process.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj8Wy5QudRMnvZenorKas8vK6t17ZNpvYkn7xNURgAxw7EuqbDEppwx5gclqjOScHkjeLefqppLlGJkS6OFsSW2yOaL3MGq9n5IK8VR5swhvu2rg45x2G8AfBm1ivGz8rIkmbe2E6-7xOn-/s1600/nde3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="212" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj8Wy5QudRMnvZenorKas8vK6t17ZNpvYkn7xNURgAxw7EuqbDEppwx5gclqjOScHkjeLefqppLlGJkS6OFsSW2yOaL3MGq9n5IK8VR5swhvu2rg45x2G8AfBm1ivGz8rIkmbe2E6-7xOn-/s320/nde3.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><style type="text/css">
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<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Six months to the day, in the blink of an eye my life changed for ever, my perfect world collapsed around me, I had lost the most precious person in my life Alison . </span> </div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">How can I comprehend that she lost her life by just bad luck, being in the wrong place at the wrong time, for someone who gave so much and cared so much and had achieved so much in her life, it just does not make sense that she was taken. But that is how fragile life is, something you don't readily think about until tragedy crosses your path and your plunged into grief and grief is also something you don't think of or truly understand until your plunged into it. After these long six months, It still scares me that the rest of my life will be lived without her, other than memories, knowing that I will never ever see her again in physical form, I don't think I will ever come to terms with.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Although Alison was pronounced dead at the hospital, she in fact died almost immediately at the scene of the accident when she went into cardiac arrest. I'm told that there has to be a set time before the paramedics/doctors give up on bringing her back to life, when all hope fades and resuscitation stops, that is then set as the time of death. Her chest injuries were so severe that they were not survivable, but they tried. </span> </div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">So in the last few weeks I have been reading about the dying process and NDE (Near death experiences) in particular, also watching a television program called 'Back form beyond', think that's what it's called. In all cases I have read about on the internet and watched on television, the one consistent point that comes across is that the experience is beautiful, so beautiful that most do not want to come back, but obviously in all NDE cases they have comeback, having been brought back by the medical team.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Some of these people have not just been dead for a minute or so, in some cases anything up to an hour , one who because he plunged and drowned in a frozen lake and his body was practically frozen, was dead for three hours before he was revived. </span> </div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">In every case I have seen and read, the person has floated out and above their body, looked down and seen the medical teams at work, some even seeing family members in the next room, before being pulled upwards and drawn towards a bright light. </span> </div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Some see deceased loved ones welcoming them when they reach the light, but telling them your time is not now, you must go back. </span> </div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">All describe the experience as being enveloped in love and calmness, </span> </div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">beyond words that can describe, so much so that they just did not want to come back, regardless of the loved ones they were leaving behind.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">One case involved a a senior consultant at a hospital, who had a massive heart attack, here was a doctor who before his NDE was sceptical and admits now that it has changed his views that there is something beyond death. Indeed it is now understood that dying is in fact a process, not an instant and it is now possible to bring someone back after fairly long periods of being dead.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Most medics would say that these experiences are really caused by the last gasps of the brain as it runs out of oxygen before shutting down, maybe so</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">but the experience does happen and that cant be a bad thing. Maybe further beyond what an NDE gives, there is absolute nothing, just like we cannot remember anything before we were born. I know Alison believed that after death there is nothing.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">In Alison's passing, I hope and am sure that she left her body and experienced the amazing beauty that all these other people experienced, with the exception that she tragically completed the journey to the other side, be it nothing or a life after. If the latter then, my only wish in life is that she will be waiting for me when I do that final journey.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">The conclusion of this six month part of my journey of grief, is that I miss her more than ever, I long for her but know I can never have her or see again, that my life now is without her physically, but she will always be part of who I am and always in my heart. Gone are the days of going to bed at the end of the day feeling content and waking up with a good feeling of the day ahead. I still have many moments daily when I cannot believe this has happened. When I think back to that Thursday evening six months ago just before 6pm when we both looked at each other before she went out, neither of us knew that it would be the last time we ever saw each other, how fragile is life!</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Rest in peace my Angel, will love and cherish you for ever more XX</span></div>LIFE WITHOUT ALISONhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00879298256975308891noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6509477560848526701.post-84176871602337018002011-10-26T14:32:00.003+01:002011-10-26T14:39:53.568+01:00The Report<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiUWi5ZFHF1bdR_w7SoEfQxeLQulF1D4vQqD83QtAAT1EQhgWaFALzK1bcR5z-kCe_Jo5461Uel-EM6yNpNd9WyqAkR7Sw-3Z_GqFCQllyxlwKbFkjMns8ei57GoaR3ZG3JvO6MCLlvojJf/s1600/DSCF0010.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiUWi5ZFHF1bdR_w7SoEfQxeLQulF1D4vQqD83QtAAT1EQhgWaFALzK1bcR5z-kCe_Jo5461Uel-EM6yNpNd9WyqAkR7Sw-3Z_GqFCQllyxlwKbFkjMns8ei57GoaR3ZG3JvO6MCLlvojJf/s320/DSCF0010.JPG" width="214" /></a></div><style type="text/css">
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<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">On the 28<sup>th</sup> October, It will be six months since Alison's passing, half a year ! A whole spring and summer gone without her. So where am I now? Well have not posted on here for a while, so much has happened in the time since my last posting, some things have moved me forward other things have knocked me back. To think she has missed out on all the things she had planned makes me really sad.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">A sort of pattern to this life of no choice is emerging, it is still a struggle getting up in the mornings, but then I'm up until the early hours anyway. Unlike before when life was with Alison, we used to wake and doze together, now as soon as awake, I have to get up straight away, if not I start remembering those lovely mornings waking with her and that just makes me an emotional wreck before even having my first coffee.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I can still only do things day by day, unlike before, I tend not to commit myself to anything in advance other than work. Beyond doubt the last six months have been the saddest and hardest of my entire life, I know that the next six will probably not be much easier, but I try my hardest to be strong for Alison, not an easy task! </span> </div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I received the accident report from the police last Saturday morning, it is forty pages long, they did do a thorough investigation of the cause, but the final conclusion is that it was just a tragic accident with no one to blame. Witness statements say that Alison was riding as would be expected of an experienced rider, she was doing no more than 30mph when she reached the bend, it seems just before the bend the back wheel twitched, I personally think she went over one of the badly sunken manhole covers in the road prior the reaching the bend and this unsettled the bike, but anyway</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">on turning into the bend, the wheels slipped from under her and from then she and the bike slid into the path of the fire engine coming in the opposite direction. Cold tires and damp white line markings could have been a factor in the loss of grip.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">The accident report is hard reading and truthfully it has set me back, but I needed to know what happened. As you know I go to the crash site every Thursday, when walking there I often see bikers passing me and going through the bend often at a far higher speed, certainly above the speed limit for that stretch of road and yet Alison lost grip at low speed, the only person who really knows what happened moments before impact is sadly Alison. To know that the girl I loved and protected died so violently is heartbreaking, but thankfully I'm told by experts that she would not have felt any pain such is the bodies mechanism to shut down instantly with serious trauma. The driver of the fire engine estimated that the time from him seeing the bike and Alison hit the road and impact on the front of the engine was just 1.5 seconds. The fire engine was almost stopped when she hit the front, had it been able to stop just a few yards from where it came to a halt, she would have missed it and got away with just minor injuries if any, but that is going into the realms of 'what if' again.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I have the option of having her riding leathers, boots and helmet back from the police, I was asked if I wanted them back very soon after the accident, but in numbness and shock I said no, I have since learnt that the police still have them, so I have said yes to having them back. Fully realising the state they are in, they are going to be very hard to look at, but then so was the accident report. She loved her black leathers and helmet as much as her bike, they were part of her and obviously the last thing she was wearing on this earth, so I will grit my teeth and have them back and will no doubt cry my heart out while holding them, they belong back here!</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">So the next big milestone after the six month one is the anniversary of her passing, I will be dragged along by life regardless and I hope it will get easier, the hole in my life will never be filled, I miss her every moment of the day. After six months, do I still believe she is looking down, that her spirit lives on in after life, well to be truthfully honest I'm still not convinced, I was hoping that the accident report would confirm a couple of things I was told, supposedly by Alison in the impromptu reading I had several months ago, the message indicated that she rolled along the road, she didn't, the message referred to front end damage to the bike, wrong, the whole bike was wrecked.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">So I really don't know what to believe. I still think of her as on the other side, in the physical form that she was here, I think all that have lost a loved one think the same, but I know that cannot be as the reality is in her urn up in her study. But I hope there is something after death and I hope it is wonderful and special, otherwise I have been talking to myself all these last months.</span></div><div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I talk to her everyday, I still cry for her everyday, I very rarely cried, but I have cried everyday for the last six months and I can't see that changing for a good while yet, such was the love I felt for her and the loneliness I feel without her.</span></div>LIFE WITHOUT ALISONhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00879298256975308891noreply@blogger.com1