Loneliness

I am so lonely for Alison !

Yes I have friends, neighbours etc, but they can never replace the loneliness I feel without Aly.

Waking in the morning alone, is crap, having my first cup of coffee alone is crap, I then have to get through the day, if I'm not painting then I spend most of my day on the computer, at least it takes my mind off the loss for some of the time.

I miss the normal conversations and banter that we both had, the laughing together at the silliest little thing, she will never again tell me how good my latest painting was, I will never again be able to tell her how brilliant she was!

At about 5.30pm I go over to Sainsburys for food and wine, buying for one is no fun, I used to love buying stuff that Aly loved, never again will I cook her favourite meals. So I make my meal for one and sit down and eat.

Just lately I have really struggled with the evenings, I cry off and on all evening, I purposely don't go to bed before 1am, as with my sleep pattern as it is, I would wake in the early hours if I went say at 11pm. Besides myself and Aly very seldom went to bed before 1am or 2am.

More often than not, I cry myself to sleep, wishing she was beside me tapping away on the keyboard of her laptop, she always used her laptop before going to sleep. Sometimes it annoyed me, but I would give anything to have her here doing that now.

There really are no words that can describe the loneliness you feel when you lose the one person your life evolved around. As time goes on, the longing for her is more intense, hence the tears.

Tears I'm told are a healing process, that may well be, but you know what, I don't mind crying for her everyday for the rest of my life, all I wish for long term is the wretchedness of it all to subside.

Painted toe nails

Alison had her nails done every two weeks,  always on a Thursday morning, travelling to her home town of Bury St Edmunds to have them done. The day of her accident, she had them done that morning !she loved having lovely nails.

A few days earlier, think it may have been the Sunday, she for the first time ever asked me to paint her toe nails , being an artist, she knew I would do a good job. So I sat and painted them a lovely purple.

It was the only time she had ever had painted toenails, why she decided then to have them painted I don't know, but it was lovely to do. She went to the beach the next day with a friend, as it was a hot day. She took this picture of them, that gives me such a loving memory, I'm just so lucky that Alison took photo's of anything and everything, it was one of the last photo's she took.

Destiny

Sunday afternoon and I write this with more tears streaming down my face.
On Thursday 4^th August it has been 14 weeks since I lost Alison, as I have said before she was my total life, my soul mate, best friend and my partner. The day I met her eight years ago, I knew she was something special, love at first sight I guess. She brought fun into my life, don't get me wrong, life was already fun, at the time I wasn't looking for a relationship.

But she brought more fun, it was as if our destiny was to be together, I know and have always believed that to be so, I'm a strong believer that we all have our destiny mapped out for us, things maybe happen for a reason.

Certainly going over the day she lost her life, a minute's change of plan would have changed the outcome, she would still be here. We used to cuddle a lot and just an hour or so before her accident, she was on the bed with her laptop, I went to her and laid down beside her, I said put the laptop down lets have a cuddle, maybe a little sleep, then her mobile rang, which changed things and we didn't have our cuddle, had we done, she would still be here. Like wise if I had chatted to her a minute or so more before she went out on her bike, the fire engine she had collided with would not have been there and she would still be here.

So is this cruel destiny? destiny can be happy and cruel as we all know.

If there is such a thing as our destiny mapped out so to speak, then there must a bigger picture to life and beyond. Maybe it was her time, at her age of 37 that is so cruel. Why do the beautiful, vibrant and talented die so young?!
If only we had cuddled and gone to sleep, she would still be here!!

Signs

During the shock and numbness of the early days and weeks, the constant thing on my mind was 'where is she' I still worried about her, the same as I did when she was alive and was late getting home or whatever and even more so for the year that she had the bike.

So where was she now, can she see me or hear me, is there life after? Something Alison didn't believe in, as far as she was concerned there was nothing after. So I even worried on that score, if there was life after, would she be pissed off, it would have to be very special for her not to be.

Everyday I looked for signs that she was around, I placed things in her study, so I knew if they were moved. Getting up in the morning, I would immediately make the bed and smooth it out, she loved to lay on the bed with her laptop! But nothing ever moved, never any ripples on the smoothed out quilt.

That said in the few days following her passing, strange things did happen, not just to me and possibly things that cannot be put down to coincidence.

The first strange thing involved ginger cats, a day after the accident, Alison's mum was out walking in the fields near her home, a ginger cat appeared from nowhere and like some cats do walked around her feet purring. The next day, I was invited around for coffee to one of Alison's friends . On leaving I bumped into another of Aly's friends who I had not seen for over a year, she had parked right next to my car, the chance of ever bumping into her was remote, but she was one of Aly's closest friends, until she moved on. We stood their chatting with tears, suddenly again from no where a ginger cat appeared and walked around our feet.

Two days later my neighbours had been round one evening for a drink and on leaving and opening the garden gate, right in front of them, just sat staring was a ginger cat, it didn't move!

The second strange thing, happened at Alison's celebration, one of her friends was so over come with emotion, he left the service before the end. He went outside and sat on a nearby wall. Head in hands, he was startled enough to jump, when someone sat next to him. Turning to see who it was, there was no one there!

Finding white feathers is a classic sign of a deceased love one, letting you know they are with you. Well it is only recently that this happened to me. I have never noticed any feathers in our garden, let alone pure white ones.

But during one of my really bad days of tears, in fact it was the day I went to see my doctor about being prescribed some pills to help me through.

I got home and with more tears I poured myself a large G&T. I would normally just go and sit on the patio chairs, but instead sat on a little bench that Alison used to always sit on.

Sat down and then directly in front of me a saw a pure white feather, I looked in disbelief, it was in between two paving slabs that Aly had put down as steps over the grass, I picked it up and put it on the bookshelf with Aly's photo's. Two days later another white feather appeared in exactly the same spot.

I haven't seen any since!

So is this all coincidence or is there something after?

Wild strawberries

The garden before Alison was taken, was a bit of a building site to be honest. She was in the process of building a shed during the winter months, for her bike, told you she was very practical!

Last summer the garden was lovely and she promised we would have it looking nice again this summer.

Well I have worked hard over the last few months getting it nice for her and me of course, I really hope she is looking down and seeing it.

A couple of weeks before the fateful day, she came in , 'I've bought some grass seed and some strawberry plants hunnie', she shouted up the stairs.

Actually she had just bought one strawberry plant bless her.

Anyway a few days later I put the plant in a big pot for her.

It has now grown and producing fruit, she didn't realise that she had bought a wild strawberry plant and the fruit is very small, but she would have loved them all the same.
Also she adored sunflowers and unknown to me she had put a load of sunflower seeds underneath a gravel bed that runs along one side of the garden against the fence. At least 30 sunflowers are now growing.

The garden does look so nice and it is nice to sit out there thinking of her, at the same time so sad that she is not here to enjoy it, I so miss her.

Frozen in time

Days after Alison's passing, the house remained the same, everything left as it was, no tidying, I couldn't bare to move anything. All her shoes remained in the corner by the patio doors, her gym bag on the floor next to the table, the table top cluttered with her things, her Guci handbag hanging on a table chair.

Constant painful reminders of her and that she was never coming back, everything frozen in time from the evening of the accident. 

Gradually after her cremation, I tidied and moved things around, really just to make space for some photos I had printed of her and put in frames. The living room bookcase became a shrine to her,I even had her casket of ashes on the bottom shelf. I didn't know at the time, but it was far too soon to do this, I wasn't strong enough emotionally to see photos of her everywhere and have a shrine to her in the living room, I realised  it would be best for now to move some of her personal items out of view.

I friend gave me a big box printed with butterflies, to use as a memory box, all her personal items are now in it. Her rings, her purse, her passport, the last box of cigarettes I bought her etc etc.

We live in a three storey house, the top of the house was Alison's space, she used a large walk in cupboard as her office, the shower room doubled up as a workshop, the main room on the top floor was taken up with more desks and computer screens. Alison had a degree in electronics and computer science and programming, so everything on the top floor was geared up for her work in that field.

Apart from tdying the main room, her office is as she left it, I have her casket on her desk and photos and her memory box and other personal things dotted around, it is now her shrine, I go up there to talk to her and weep. The workshop hasn't been touched, even now I expect to see her sitting in her office chair or cross legged sitting on the floor at a workshop table.

One of my family members asked me just a couple of days after Alison was taken, 'what are you going to do with all her stuff, all her clothes, are you getting rid of them?

This so annoyed me, no way I said, everything is staying here, clothes everything! They are part of Alison, so are still part of me.

We died as a couple

On the 28^th of April we died as a couple, except I'm still here with a change of life forced upon me. Alison would never of wanted this for me, to see me in torment everyday, crying everyday, constantly sad and my zest for life gone.

On the 4^th of August it will be 16 weeks since she was taken from me, I have cried for her, every day of those sixteen weeks, I honestly cant see the tears ever stopping.

She was my total life, everything I lived for was for her, without her there seems no purpose.

If I knew for certain that we would be together again on the other side, if there is another side and if I didn't have to be strong for her mum and my two boys from my previous marriage, I would not hesitate in trying to be with her, but I know in my heart, that is no solution, would I want to put others through this.

So I'm here still, I have got through the past sixteen weeks, I don't know how, but I keep telling myself, that the only way I can hold on to her is by

memory and looking at her photos and video, as heart breaking that is to do at the moment.

Also keeping her memory and name alive with the tribute site, keeps me going.

Finding the Merry Widows website a few weeks after her loss has been a saviour, anyone reading this blog who has just lost a partner must do the same, I honestly would not know where I would be, now if it wasn't for the support given by people going through the same grief process on the site.

When you lose a partner, part of you dies with them, trust me this is so true, after the loss you are no longer the person you were. That fact is incredibly hard to accept, I still haven't accepted it, but I know it is true. Likewise I cannot yet accept that Alison is no longer here, yet I know it is true and real, I have her ashes, but I still expect her to walk through the door.

Anyone who has not lost a partner will never understand what it is like, it is horrendous day in day out. Every second, every minute, every hour every day and so forth, your mind thinks of nothing but the loss, not just the loss of your loved one, but also the loss of the life you had before, as that life has also gone for ever. It is not self pity, you cannot just pull yourself together and get on with life, time is not the healer either as most people would tell you. It doesn't heal, it just allows you to cope better.

Your mind is traumatized and scarred , the healing process is slow, very slow. The nature of how Alison lost her life is extra trauma, so instant, here one second and gone the next.
As the weeks  go by you start feeling an extra sadness, that being all the days she has lost doing the things she loved, more on that in a different post.

Bringing her home

The day arrived to pick up Alison's ashes, also some locks of her hair that I requested. I was not at all apprehensive about collecting the ashes, after all I was bringing her home.

So into the funeral service reception we went, I had my son with me and Alison's mum. On opening the door , in front of me on the desk was the casket I had chosen, a multicolour geometric design one, almost Egyptian in shape.

It then hit me, again reality punches you in the face. I held it together though, picked up the casket and we went back to the car.

Once in the car I just lost it big time, how can someone so vibrant and beautiful end up like this.

We had decided, as it was a sunny day, to go to some parkland that Alison loved and have a little picnic and we would have Alison with us on the picnic bench, a bit surreal, but Aly would have loved us doing that. We parked up and realised I had not got a bag of any sort to carry the casket across to the picnic area, the casket being quite big and obvious.

Her mum said I have a bag and produced a Sainsburys carrier bag, I'm not carrying my baby across the park in that I said with sad humour. I rummaged about in the boot of the car and found a bag-a Jessops bag, well it was more fitting as Aly loved photography.

So we had our picnic with Aly in the middle of the table in a Jessops bag, it was unreal in so many ways.

So finally home, I carried Alison through the same gate that three weeks earlier she had ridden out of. How could this be possible, I just broke down in tears as soon as I got in the house and hugged the casket tightly.

I didn't realise it at the time, but this now was the real start of my journey of grief, never ever would I see her physical form again, here was the proof right in front of me.
On a lighter note, I di not realise that the ashes would be sealed in a polythene bag inside the casket. I knew  I would want her out of that bag as soon as possible. I left it a couple of days, then late one evening one of her young friends called round to see the ashes out of respect, she and Aly were always out together and were close . 
So we sat there drinking wine and I asked her, would you mind help me transfer the ashes from the polythene bag? she agreed, so we spread a clean white sheet on the floor, put the casket in the middle and began. But because of the shape of the casket-narrower at the top-there was no way of pulling this bag out, it was packed in so tight, we looked at each other and both said at the same time, what would Aly do? with that, I went and got three of Alison's pastry bowls. We then cut the bag and poured all the ashes into each of the bowls, then carefully poured all the ashes back into the casket, job done.
We both said Alison would be pissing herself laughing if she was looking down, as I'm sure she was.

No it's not a dream, this is real.

In the two weeks since Alison was taken, life was just an emotional blur, still in shock, still numb, still not believing this has happened.

I had my eldest son from my previous marriage stay with me those two weeks, I could not face being in the house on my own.

Had visitors most days, the phone never stopped ringing, things had to be organized, people and companies had to be notified. I was just on autopilot in between the tears.

I read everything I could on grief, books, the internet, clutching at anything to help me.

The shock and numbness seemed to have erased my memory, I couldn't here her voice in my mind, I couldn't even visualise her. I had one photo of her taken some years back, that I eventually could look at without tears.

I was invited out by her friends on several occasions, I went, but it just didn't feel right, it should have been Aly going out with her friends

My sleep pattern changed instantly, in normal life I could sleep a good eight hours, in those early days it halved, whatever time I went to sleep, I would wake at 5am almost on the dot—what was that all about? I hated the waking up, always in a cold sweat and a knot in my stomach and the feeling of panic, then the reality! no it's not a dream, this is real !
I start another day in a foreign land, where I can't speak the language and I don't want to be. How can I continue, Alison was my everything, without her what the hell is the point.

Flowers

As is the tradition of road traffic accidents, flowers are left at the place of the accident. This photograph was taken just a couple of days after Alison's accident. The amount of flowers doubled and to this day 15 weeks on the flowers are still there, although obviously dead. Some of the condolence messages are still readable.

I have since the day she died, had fresh flowers in the house for her. A day or two before they need to be replaced, I pick out the best that are left and take them along to the crash site and add them to the railings.

During the early days I could not go near the crash site, the only time I did was at 5.30 am two days after the accident, I then went back later that day to lay my flowers. It is only just a five minute walk from the house.

I was told by friends who went to lay flowers, that they saw motorcyclists ride by and bow there heads in respect as they went past, that is so touching.

The Celebration of her life.

The funeral arrangements have been made, funeral is not the right word for me, so it has been called a celebration. 

Due to the nature of the accident and that a public vehicle was involved it took a day or two longer for Alison to be released so that we could see her at the chapel of rest, at what I rate as one of the best funeral companies in Suffolk. 

 Armstrongs in Bury St Edmunds, is a family run business, without them we could not have made Alison's celebration of her life, so beautiful and emotional.

 Finally the day had come to see her in the chapel of rest. I had supplied a photo of Aly when the celebration details were decided and finalised, so that they could do the best they could to make her look lovely. They didn't disappoint, she looked angelic in her hand woven willow casket. Anyone who has seen a deceased body, will know that it is just a shell and that the spirit of the person is no longer there.

It was all totally surreal, am I really standing here looking at the love of my life, this is so wrong, her hair was styled perfectly, make up had covered the bruising to her face, but she was just a shell. I stayed with her and said my last goodbyes to her physical body, amongst uncontrollable sobbing. I kissed her forehead like I always used to, I kissed her lips many times and held mine on hers, even though they were icy cold. I knew this would be the last time I ever kissed those beautiful lips, the last time I would see her in physical form.

Leaving that room tore me apart.

Alison's cremation took place at West Bury Crematorium, Risby on Thursday 12^th May at 3.45pm. Her hand woven willow casket was draped in white lilies and white roses. I placed a photograph and a personal note to Aly on top of the casket.

We had no vicar or hymms. We had music that Alison loved and words were spoken by family and friends. Songs included were; Scott Joplin 'The entertainer' Alison loved to play that on the keyboard. Pretty woman and Youv'e got it from Roy Orbison, so fitting for Aly, On the Floor by Jennifer Lopez, the last song Aly danced to. The last song was All Along the Watchtower, the Battlestar Gallactica version, Alison just loved the sequence in the series that the song was played over. Her favourite character 'Starbuck' finds heaven as such in the sequence and goes into the white light. I remember Alison just shouting 'Wow that is so cool', when she saw it. We watched the entire series of Battlestar together.

Over 100 friends and family attended, bright colours was the order of the day. I would say that 75% were friends a testament to how special Alison was. Even the police attended, as Alison had done her advanced motorcycle training with them. There were also many fellow bikers.

A private reception was held in Shimpling village hall for close friends.

The fateful day

Alison loved her bike, she had owned it exactly year when she had her fatal accident. She had only just left the house for a quick ride, she hadn't much petrol anyway and asked me for some loose change to get some. I only had five one pound coins, that was the last money I ever gave her. She never got to spend them as the accident happened just around the corner from the house. They were handed back to me along with her mobile phone later that evening. Two of the coins where badly damaged! as was her phone.

After seeing her ride off at aprox 6pm, on Thursday April 28^th 2011, the phone rang aprox 45 minutes later, it was her mother, 'the bike was registered to her mother address' get up to the hospital fast, Alison has had an accident and is in a bad way. I went into panic mode, feeling sick in my stomach, the next 10 minutes were a blur, I went next door to our friends and asked for a lift to the hospital, I was in no fit state to drive myself. We got as far as the main junction at the end of the road, it was sealed off by police, on leaving the house I did not know where the accident had happened, when I saw the road block--I knew. We stopped and I went over to a police officer. I need not go into the finer details, but yes it was Alison, the collision was further up the road and not in sight of the police road block. 

Myself and my neighbour were asked to remain in the car. After what seemed an eternity, a police woman approached, something in my head told me what she was going to say. She knelt down and said I'm so sorry, I cannot remember exactly what I replied, something like 'no she can't be, she cant be dead.

I went into shock, eventually we were transferred into a police car and went full blues to the hospital. On arrival we had to wait for Alison's mum to arrive, before we were led into the special rooms for family. We had to ID Alison, at this stage not knowing her injuries, it was something I dreaded, but whatever her injuries I had to see my baby.

What I wasn't expecting is all the formalities and police paperwork to go through, it took hours and wasn't until near midnight that the identification took place.

So we were taken to the identification room, the door was opened and there was my Alison, covered up to her neck, her face badly bruised from the impact on her crash helmet, I have tears while writing and reliving this.

I was numb, this was not real, just a bad dream that I will snap out of and wake-up, except it was real. I asked to be left alone with her, through uncontrollable tears I talked to her, I kissed her, I hugged her best I could. I must have kissed her cold lips dozens of times. How could this be, she was just 37 years of age and here was the love of my life taken from me !
The following seven day's where just a blur, endless phone calls to make, arrangements to be made, visitors everyday. Hardly any sleep, trying to eat, just reeling in shock and raw emotion. How can I possibly live my life without Alison?
From that very first morning after the accident, I have cried everyday to the present day. Such was our bonding and love, accepting she was gone and that I would never see, hear or touch her again is and always will be incomprehensible. 

The start of a journey called grief.

April 28th 2011 started like any normal day for myself and Alison, little did we know that by 6pm that evening Alison would no longer be alive and my life would be changed for ever.

We were soul mates  and had a love far deeper than could easily expressed in words. She was my rock and I hers, neither of us could contemplate life without the other.

So I start this journey called grief, what is grief ? if I'm honest I wish I didn't know ! but I sure do know now and wouldn't wish it on anyone.

I hope this blog will help anyone who has lost a partner understand what grief really is and also help friends try to understand what I am going through.

Losing Alison without having the chance to say goodbye and now living with out her, is the hardest thing I have ever faced in my life.