Four months.

So I'm at the 4 month mark, I cannot believe Alison has been gone all that time. They have been with out doubt the hardest months of my entire life and at this point in time I cannot see them getting any easier. I now know, that the first weeks and months your still numb, in shock, in denial and just on autopilot in an alien world. I did think that reality kicked in after a month, how wrong was I, at this point in time and certainly over the last few days, the pain of losing her and never seeing her again is even more painful, it is now that reality has kicked in.

Early on in this journey I had a job to even visualise her or even remember her voice, I couldn't see her or hear her in my mind, it seemed like amnesia, now with a more clear mind, the memories are all flooding back.

As lovely as they are and all I have, it makes missing her ever more harder and emotional.

Those that read all my postings may notice changes in the number of weeks with out her, each Thursday I have been counting the weeks since her passing in my head, some how I lost track and added on three weeks, I have only just realised it today, after printing off a calendar and marking each week, the earlier posts have now been rectified. So actually I'm earlier in this journey than I thought.

Does it make a difference? not really I still miss her just as much and I can't see that ever changing. When she died my world came crashing down around me, it is only now that I am trying to pick up the pieces, but they will never ever fit in the right place. Again I don't want to sound though I'm in self pity or that I don't have positive periods, I do have positives as I know that is what Alison would want and I do try so hard to be strong for her most of the time, as I do believe she is watching over me now and again, or however it works from the other side. I think it is that belief that keeps me going, I just cant ignore the signs and happenings I have written about in previous posts. But the smallest thing can trigger me into tears in an instant.

So this bank holiday Monday is almost over, weekends are hard enough, but when they are extended it is worse. I have stayed in all day, not seen anyone, no phone calls, no emails, just me and my memories, to say I'm lonely is an understatement, but the truth is I only want one person and she cant be here.

I know for sure, if it wasn't for the internet and I know I speak for others going through this thing called grief, I don't know where I would be.