Waves

Now in my 16^th week with out Aly. The waves of loneliness come crashing in as do waves of unbelieving, even this far in the journey, which is not far in the grand scheme of grieving.

I have tears today as I type this, a loneliness wave has has just hit me.

Everything is so wrong, she should be here, but she can't be all because of a twist of fate or her destiny.

But what of my fate and destiny, is this it ? living an existence of heartache and being alone. Over at the supermarket the other day, one of the women on the tills, asked how things are, she knew both of us, I said 'could be better' she said 'you may find some one else in time' or words to that effect. I said 'It's never going to happen all I want is Alison, she is still my partner even though she is not here'.

The word pathetic, that came through on the Saturday I had the impromptu reading, haunts me a little, I never want to appear pathetic if Alison 'is' looking down, but I really can't help it a times, I have to let my emotions out, when I do, I find myself apologising to her. But then maybe the word was misinterpreted, who knows.

I just miss her so much and as I've said before I miss my old life, the thought of never seeing her again plays on my mind continuously, she was such a massive part of my life, correct that, was my life. Now what is my life? living just day by day, no plans, nothing to look forward to any more.

Not just going away or doing things together, but also simple things, like when she went out, looking forward to her coming back, looking forward to cooking meals, looking forward to watching movies, looking forward to her opinion on something, looking forward to telling her things, sharing and being loved and giving love back, our cuddles together, the list goes on.
Going to bed alone and waking up alone is horrible, how I would love to have her next to me again. The scary thing is, I never ever will.

Maybe a better day tomorrow, but today I have been really low.