Finding yourself.

Over the months I have formed a strong friendship with two fellow widows, Deena lost her husband to a heart attack eighteen months ago, Jane lost her husband in a motorcycle accident a month before I lost Alison, the accident was a carbon copy of Alison's.

Each of us have supported each other by email and on the phone through out the months, then last week the opportunity arose for the three of us to meet up in London.

I have traveled up to London hundreds of times, but this would be the first trip to London since losing Alison, I was anxious to say the least, I knew the train journey itself would bring back memories, let alone being in London,I know it was the same for Jane and Deena.

Jane to be honest is an inspiration to me when it comes to traveling, having already been abroad twice on her own, and here she was spending a week in London on her own. Knowing that she is hurting just as much as me and Deena, is testament to her amazing courage and strength, her hubby John would be so proud of her. As would Deena's hubby Ted, for all she has achieved in the last eighteen months and is still achieving day by day.

So we each meet for the first time, as friends not strangers, due to all the on line correspondence and weekly phone calls over the past months. Each of us having had to pay a massive price for our friendship, it makes the friendship extremely valuable and I know we will be close friends for life. We walked, we saw the sights,, we had coffee, we had lunch, we did lot's of talking, importantly we had fun. Without choice, each of us are trying to find the person we now are, the new person we have become in this long journey of grief. The loss of your partner changes you, who you were before has gone, it's not just the loss of your partner that you have to come to terms with, it is the change in yourself and the world around you. At first the world around you is not inviting , you don't want to be here, but you know you must. Gradually you see things differently, but it takes time, you need to find the reason you want to live again, as tough as it is.

Now coming up to a year and one month for me and it is still early days, I do now have more good days than bad, some of my motivation is slowly coming back, but I know I still have some tough times ahead. I still at some point have to go through all Alison's things, the top floor of the house where she did all her work, is still just as she left it. There is no pressure for me to sort it, but I feel I need to do it sooner than rather than later. It will be hard, it will bring me to the floor no doubt, but it will be good to get things organized. Saying that I was looking for a pair of shorts today, which meant searching through the airing cupboard, I just had to stop when I started pulling out Alison's tops and undies, I'm surrounded by her things in the house, but when you pull things out you haven't seen for a year it suddenly hit's you , I still haven't found my shorts!.