Alison

Alison
She was so beautiful and I will love her for ever.

Sunday, 10 June 2012

Shine on!


Following my reading back in March, I have heard so many good things about Susan, the medium I went to see and of others that have had amazing readings from her. In my posting about my reading, I stated that Susan connects with the thought of the spirit, I was wrong in that statement, I have since learnt that the spirits actually talk to her and in some cases she can see them.
During the reading it did feel like Alison was sitting next to her telling her things to say, so it seems she was, well maybe not sitting., maybe floating who knows. Since then I have absolute no doubt that Alison lives on and therefore there is an after life.

The pain of missing Alison, constantly courses through my veins, now and again I just cry and cry. In the last week or so I have had some really down days, the Jubilee weekend didn't help. One evening I had one of these crying moments and after pulling myself together, I picked up Alison's small Nikon camera that was on the table, I said to her out loud ' C'mon Aly lets see if your here' I then took random pics around the living room, I was hoping to capture her spirit orb.
I didn't check the images until a few days later, to my surprise one of the photos had an orb, now to be honest as much as I was surprised, logical reasoning seeps in. I thought maybe it could be a dust particle caught by the flash, this is the common explanation for them. That said, Alison's camera has taken many hundreds of photos, never has an orb appeared and if dust was the cause, then many images if not all would capture orbs. So I choose to believe that the orb is spirit energy and that Alison was there sitting on the arm of the sofa, which she did many times.
I decided when I felt the time was right I would take some more photos.
On Friday 8th June, I was invited too an evening event, by one of Alison's close friends. It was good, but when some of Alison's other friends turned up, it just hit me that it shouldn't be me here, but Alison, I felt so sad that she was missing out. I couldn't stay, made my excuses and left. I got home and just burst into tears, I was in tears off and on for the next few hours, really crying from the heart, I just miss her so much and crying releases the tension that bottles up as you try to function day by day.
After a while I calmed down, her camera was on the arm of the sofa, I picked it up and said to Alison ' please show me your here with me' I then took about twenty random snaps around the room.
Finished, I then went upstairs and uploaded the images on to the computer. What I found on two of the images just blew me away, the bright blue orb is stunning, the best I have seen. In view perspective, it is actually over the sofa where I now sit and where Alison used to sit. The second image below shows the sofa from the opposite side of the room, the white mist is certainly not fallout from the flash, as I took several in sequence, as I did with the image of the orb and nothing appears on the other images.
It's not a case of wanting to believe these are Alison, they are Alison without doubt. 
She shines on!

Thursday, 24 May 2012

Finding yourself.


Over the months I have formed a strong friendship with two fellow widows, Deena lost her husband to a heart attack eighteen months ago, Jane lost her husband in a motorcycle accident a month before I lost Alison, the accident was a carbon copy of Alison's.
Each of us have supported each other by email and on the phone through out the months, then last week the opportunity arose for the three of us to meet up in London.
I have traveled up to London hundreds of times, but this would be the first trip to London since losing Alison, I was anxious to say the least, I knew the train journey itself would bring back memories, let alone being in London,I know it was the same for Jane and Deena.

Jane to be honest is an inspiration to me when it comes to traveling, having already been abroad twice on her own, and here she was spending a week in London on her own. Knowing that she is hurting just as much as me and Deena, is testament to her amazing courage and strength, her hubby John would be so proud of her. As would Deena's hubby Ted, for all she has achieved in the last eighteen months and is still achieving day by day.

So we each meet for the first time, as friends not strangers, due to all the on line correspondence and weekly phone calls over the past months. Each of us having had to pay a massive price for our friendship, it makes the friendship extremely valuable and I know we will be close friends for life. We walked, we saw the sights,, we had coffee, we had lunch, we did lot's of talking, importantly we had fun. Without choice, each of us are trying to find the person we now are, the new person we have become in this long journey of grief. The loss of your partner changes you, who you were before has gone, it's not just the loss of your partner that you have to come to terms with, it is the change in yourself and the world around you. At first the world around you is not inviting , you don't want to be here, but you know you must. Gradually you see things differently, but it takes time, you need to find the reason you want to live again, as tough as it is.

Now coming up to a year and one month for me and it is still early days, I do now have more good days than bad, some of my motivation is slowly coming back, but I know I still have some tough times ahead. I still at some point have to go through all Alison's things, the top floor of the house where she did all her work, is still just as she left it. There is no pressure for me to sort it, but I feel I need to do it sooner than rather than later. It will be hard, it will bring me to the floor no doubt, but it will be good to get things organized. Saying that I was looking for a pair of shorts today, which meant searching through the airing cupboard, I just had to stop when I started pulling out Alison's tops and undies, I'm surrounded by her things in the house, but when you pull things out you haven't seen for a year it suddenly hit's you , I still haven't found my shorts!.

Monday, 14 May 2012

The first year.



So here I am, just over one year after my world came crashing down around me, it has been by far the hardest time of my entire life mentally and physically

So Alison has not been physically part of my life for now over a year, what we had as a physical couple here on earth has gone forever, that is by far the hardest thing to accept, everything is lost our past together and our future together, yes I have the memories, but the memories give me the constant mental pain of wanting her back, those memories will do that for a long time to come, probably for ever, testament to what she meant to me.

At the start of this journey of grief, I could not imagine being this far down the line, I couldn't and didn't want to think that far ahead it scared me. But here I am, after a year of the most emotional roller-coaster state of mind I could ever imagine. I never thought it possible I could produce so many tears, only a hand full of days in the last year have I not cried and I still do!
The last year has just been a blur of disbelief, it still feels like I lost her just a week ago or that she was just here yesterday.

The first year anniversary was on Saturday 28 April, since which, I have slipped into a new phase of grief, I sort of expected it, I was more worried about how I would be after the anniversary than the day itself. The first year has in a way been governed by a set of challenges to get through, the funeral, the ashes, the six month point, Xmas, new year, Alison's birthday, then the anniversary of her passing. Now into this second year it's for real ! no more first challenges, just the challenge of my life ahead with out her, it is daunting, it is a new pain!
It really feels like the last year has been just a bad dream and suddenly I have woken up to find it's not a dream, this is it now, it's for real.

Adapting to life without her is so hard, it is the hardest thing I have ever had to face . Just the fact that I have lost her is bad enough, but I have to except that I have also lost the person I was, I now have to find the new me, build a new me, in this I have no choice, the life I had with Alison has now gone, the completeness and happiness lost for ever. I doubt I will ever again feel so complete as I did with her, I definitely will never be so happy. That's not to say I will be forever miserable, just not happy in the same way I was. Alison was so unique in so many ways, not one person on this planet can give me what she gave me.
My mind has to heal from the trauma it has received, I know from speaking to others that this could take years, it is a gradual process, the dips in this roller-coaster ride will I hope get shallower and further apart, time will tell.

For those who have read about my visit to the medium and the amazing reading I had, will know my belief that there is an afterlife. I needed answers after losing Alison, so I read everything I could on the subject, I watched videos, I had many signs but needed to rule out coincidence. Over the months up to the first year anniversary, all the signs followed the exact pattern I had read about time and time again. There were the strange things that happened a few days and a week or so after her passing. Then feathers started appearing in specific places at specific times. I have seven feathers, the last one found in the house at the bottom of the stairs one morning.
I talk to Alison off and on during the day and always before I go to sleep, on finding the feathers, I have said to her more than once if I find one in the house I will believe they are signs from you!
It is understood that soon after passing the spirit stays earthbound for a while and is helped by spirit guides to leave signs to say that they are ok and are with you.
Since that last feather appeared, I have found no more, I guess she got her message across.
There hasn't been any signs since that last feather, I had kept telling her that I would visit a medium, maybe she was waiting for that day and now that she was able connect, she has now crossed over properly and moved on in spirit.
I'm hoping that even though she has probably crossed over, she can still visit me in my dreams and should I ever have another reading come through again.

I have no clue what lies ahead for me, time will drag me forwards, I know that I should be making the best of my life, I know that's what Alison would want, but it is going to take time, I can still only do things day by day, I have no future plans.

Friday, 23 March 2012

A brief summary


On the day of the celebration of her life, at the village hall reception, I stood quietly outside on my own in the warm sunshine with just my thoughts.
Ahead of me stretched my future without Alison, she was at that point in time not a physical person any more, never ever will I see her again, all I had now were memories.
How was I going to continue life without her, how would I get through the next few months let alone the year, what would it be like in ten years time or longer without her, how can I live a life without her beside me. It was unreal, just a bad dream I just needed to wake from, but this was real, not a dream, for eight amazing years she was my life, my future, now she was gone, cruelly taken away from me, she had so much more living to do, it should have been me gone not her. At the celebration after everyone had left the chapel, I stood alone with my hands on her casket saying my last goodbye to her, it was so final, so impossible that her beauty, her charisma, her sheer presence was no longer.

So here I am ,coming up to eleven months without her and it is still unreal, it still feels such a short time that I was saying my that last goodbye and makes me realise I have a long way to go in this journey called grief.
Even now I have moments when I expect her to walk through the door or hear her tapping away on the computer keyboard upstairs. I walk into rooms and expect her to be there, but she's not and I stand looking at the empty space where she should be.
The emptiness and loneliness is what I feel most, it will always be with me. Alison filled my life, she was my structure, my rock, my inspiration, she was my future.
I have lost all that and now I have to somehow adjust to life alone, not easy, my future is so different and I don't like it.
But then I have no choice whether I like it or not, this is how it is now, I have to somehow build around the grief and gradually get some sort of life to enjoy, how do you do that, when it is impossible to better the life you had or even equal it.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not continuously sitting around feeling miserable and sorry for myself , I get on with things and enjoy moments, even enjoy some days. I have a good network of friends for support in the real world and online, I just take things day by day, but every waking minute I miss her, the mental pain I feel of her not being here, not existing, really cannot be described.

I still struggle with mornings, when Alison was here I was always up early, now on average it is 10am that I get up, that said I seldom go to bed until 2am, sometimes 3am. I stay up late to make sure that as soon as I hit the pillow I'm asleep. There really is nothing to get up early for any more, I so miss opening my eyes and seeing Alison and then having the most special cuddle of the day, where we would just doze together with our bodies entwined. Now every morning I wake to just a photo of Aly beside my bed and another day with out her.
 
The visit to the medium has helped in knowing that she is with me sometimes, it is a bit of a double edged sword though, she came through so easily and specific on so many things that were conveyed to me, I want more! I talk to her and tell her to do things, just for that extra bit of proof, but she doesn't do things I ask. But then I don't know the workings on the other side of the veil, maybe there are rules on how much contact can be made and how contact is made, maybe the energy needed to move things to show they are around,is something that is hard to do and has to be learnt, then of course time doesn't exist, a second, a minute in afterlife could be two months or more here on earth.
Maybe Aly was waiting in the earth plane to make contact to let me know she was happy and now that she has done that, she could now move on in her journey and cross over properly on the other side, maybe now contact/signs will be few and far between, maybe none.

I did face a risk with a reading, what if Alison didn't come through, where would that then leave my belief, what if she came through and was not happy, that would devastate me further, but that said you never read or hear of people being unhappy in afterlife, sometimes a few visits are needed for them to come through. It was a risk and something I really did not realize until I was sitting in the car waiting for my appointment time, but I had to know one way or the other. I need not have been apprehensive, having since learnt that Susan is highly regarded and even Ipswich Police Force use her gift in serious investigations.
Also my worries in Susan being local and that she could have found information on me or Alison on the internet, have been eliminated, Susan does not own or use a computer or even a mobile phone, besides what came through was so specific and had not been published online. Susan explained that she connects with the thought of the spirit and that was the overwhelming feeling, that she was tapped into Alison.

So in just a few weeks time it will be the anniversary of her passing, before that her birthday, two tough days to get through and on the 29th April there will be a memorial motorcycle ride for Alison. This time last year when she was here and everything was happy and normal, I could never of imagined that I would be sitting here writing this.
The fact that I am still writing, at nearly eleven months is testament to how much she meant to me and means to me to this day. I am aware that as time progresses there really is not much more I can write without repeating myself. I will continue to write until the anniversary, I will write about the memorial bike ride. Beyond that I don't know, the blog will of course always remain online, I know that it has helped others who are going through the same journey and it will help those who have yet to feel grief understand.

Tuesday, 6 March 2012

Visit to a medium.


With an open mind I set off to have a reading by a medium named Susan, she was recommended to me by a neighbour who had a very positive reading from her a year or so back. I didn't know what to expect having never had a reading before, but what followed was way beyond my wildest expectations.
As Susan was very local to me, just a ten minute drive away, I was a little sceptical in that maybe she could have done an internet search on my name, although I had only given her my first name, the plan when I first phoned her for an appointment was to give a false name, but when she asked my name I just automatically said Colin.

On arrival I was greeted at the door with a really warm welcome by Susan,
she showed me through to her lounge and I sat in a chair opposite her, she asked if I would like the reading taped, but with nothing to play a tape on I declined, I figured that if anything came through it would just be a few broken sentences or single words, that I could jot down on the note pad I had with me and work out the significance later, how wrong was I ! I now wish I had requested the tape as what followed was not just a few words and statements that you see on psychic television shows, but a full on half hour of being told things that only I could know and they came through rapidly without much pause. I should have known if Alison was to come through it would be full on non stop. Not only did specific things come through, but also Alison's unique personality.

Before she started the reading, she handed me a printed card saying that, as a medium she did not foretell the future or the past and that she could not guarantee anyone in particular coming through from spirit. With that accepted the session began. She then told me to just answer yes or no to anything that might come through or clarify something if needed. She knew nothing of me or of who I had lost. What may come through would be specific words and phrases and that she connects with the spirits thought., I then have to fill in the gaps.
I know from reading about messages that a spirit may be thinking/speaking in long sentences, but this is picked up by the medium broken up, a bit like a bad reception on a radio. Throughout the reading Susan is unaware of Alison's name, Alison may well have given her name, but it wasn't picked up by Susan.

Susan closed her eyes for about a minute, opened them and said, I have a lady here, she has beautiful sparkling eyes and very attractive, she is a very free spirited person,very happy around people and knows what she wants and goes for it. She died very quickly, she could not breath, it was very quick and no pain. She now knows it was her time to go and she was surrounded by past family who were there to guide her to where she is now. She is so sorry it was so quick and wishes now that we could have had that last hug. ( Before she went out on her bike for that last time, I had asked her for a cuddle/hug, had we had that hug, she would still be here).
She did not realize how much she meant to me and how much I loved her, also did not realize how much her friends loved her. She focused more on giving love than receiving it. She knows this now, but there is nothing she can do to change that, she was overwhelmed at how many people came to her funeral, but she is happy where she is and at peace.
Susan then said there was a man with her, Susan said 'father' and that he never got to say he loved me and that he was very proud of me. I immediately thought it must be my father who died many years ago, but once home and thinking about it, my father would not need to say those words and wouldn't say them, but I knew a man who would!, it was Alison's father who died three years before her.
Alison then took over again, the next word to come through was 'Handbag' Susan said she is making a big point as to how special this handbag was and is saying give my love to mum. This handbag was a Gucci handbag and Alison mum had bought it for her, Alison treasured it, it was the only one she used day in day out, she even photographed it, she was so proud of it. Susan asked me if 'handbag' meant anything to me, I said yes, it still has all her things in it. Susan said, yes Alison knows that and knows that you haven't moved any of her things, but it is ok to move things when I feel the time is right. She is now saying Waterfront in Ipswich and coffee shop, she says she went there to relax. Everyday Alison would go down to the re-developed docks in Ipswich to a coffee shop called coffee link, she would often meet friends there or just chill on her own. Then the words University and Vegetarian came through along with a name 'Diana'. Alison's friend who she would often meet at coffeelink, was Petra, she is studying at the University on the waterfront and is vegetarian, Petra's sister is Diana. Eight names came out during the reading all were 'close' connections to me and Alison !

Many of specific things came through that only I know and that I have had no need to make public on my blog or on Alison's tribute website or Face book, so could not have been looked up, besides it did not appear that Susan even had a computer. In conversation before the reading she said I could record the reading on my mobile phone, I said I don't have a mobile, she said me neither. Besides all she knew of me was my first name.

My two boys from my first marriage were mentioned, Alison was close to both, more so to my eldest, who she was teaching how to build computers. Susan at this point said that Alison was very intelligent and computer literate, she is saying programming !, that's what Alison did for a living. She is now saying she could read music, but didn't need to use it when playing the piano as she learnt new music by ear. She says she loved dancing and please play my dance music now and again and she is saying bare feet, she always had bare feet, around the house and in the garden Alison was always barefooted. She is saying video, I said yes we watched videos together, Susan said, 'she is being specific about one video, a pause, then, she says 'Ghost' Alison had bought a copy of this dvd a few months earlier, we never got to watch it together, we had both seen it before, but it is still in it's cellophane wrapper amongst all the other dvd's.

She is now saying 'a painting' Susan asked me if she painted, I said no, it was me who was the artist, she is saying canvass, I said I have used canvass to paint on in the past, but all my paintings are on panel boards. Susan said she is being very specific on canvass, with that the next word to come through, was living room. It then clicked with me, in the living room above our glass table is a large painting I painted for Alison, it is a copy of a painting by Jack Vettriano called the 'The Singing Butler' it is on canvass!
Susan said she teases me and moves it sometimes, as she knows I don't like pictures crooked, she moves other things but only slightly, so I probably don't notice. I was then told that Alison knows I have a lot of unfinished paintings that I must get completed and that I had recently been asked to do another exhibition, she said I must do it and she will help motivate me.

She mentions a ring, I said yes I know which ring she means, well she helped you find it. After Alison's passing I could not find her diamond engagement ring, I knew she only wore it occasionally as the clasps holding the diamond were a little weak, also she could not wear it with her riding gloves. I turned the house upside down looking for that ring, just could not find where she had put it. Then one day I looked at a miniature jug tucked up in the corner of the living room book case and immediately knew the ring was in the jug and sure enough there it was.

She says 'smelly candle'- every evening since Alison was taken I light a fragrant candle in front of her photo on the bookcase, so she knows I do that. Alison then said, I visited you in a dream, you will know the one ! I will visit you again this way sometime. She then indicated that she is always with me, always will be and will help guide me through my life as it is now. If I move on she will move on with me, Oh and there is no need to get a tattoo to remember me by, I have always thought of getting a remembrance tattoo.

She indicates television, Susan asked if I watched a lot of television, I said yes, more than I used too, she is doing this with her hands, Susan then held out both hands and moved her fingers as if using a game controller, Ah yes
I do online gaming every night, Susan says yes she watches you. Susan then said you have recently had problems with your computer, Alison knows it is all sorted now. Last month I had a friend come to check out the server upstairs and check if it was ok to turn off one of the computers connected to it.

She is saying the word Honey, Susan asked me if we liked honey or does the word have significance, I said yes, she called me honey, ok that's what she means by it then, Susan then said Alison has just kissed you on the cheek. Alison knows you talk to her, keep doing so, she does hear you and thank you for talking to me every night before you go to sleep and kissing my photo. I have a photo on the bedside table and always before I go to sleep I talk to her and then kiss the photo before I turn the light off .

So there you have it, far more than I ever expected, but then knowing Alison, if she was going to do something it had to be big! Susan said after the reading finished that Alison knew I was having the reading today. Apart from all the amazing things that came through, was that Alison's personality came through as well.

Tuesday, 21 February 2012

Died doing what she loved.


When Alison first mentioned getting a bike, I thought it was just one of her ideas that would maybe blow over. She was a bit of an adrenaline junkie at times, she loved anything exciting and dangerous, she had a bucket list of things she wanted to do. Learning to sky dive was one, not just parachuting, but free fall sky diving, once she had learnt that, she had plans to do base jumping (jumping of buildings). Bungy jumping was another and she would have chosen the highest. I remember her asking me once if there was an Olympic 10m dive board in this country, I can see her now above the water 10 meters up and she would give no hesitation in jumping.

So the bike was mentioned and to be honest it filled me with fear, I knew how dangerous riding was and how vulnerable riders are on the roads today. But once Alison had made up her mind about something, it was going to happen! She didn't have a full bike license, so she booked a whole lot of lessons and within a few weeks passed her bike test first time. Unknown to me, she had already bought her bike prior to the test, the first I knew about it was when she asked me to go with her to the Honda dealers to look at the bike she wanted, there it was with her name on the ticket!
Alison was always one for achieving, if there were qualifications to be had she would want them, so she joined courses on advance riding, one with the local motorcycle training school and one with the police, she passed both first time. She was brilliant in everything she did and anything she did had to be perfect, including the riding, but it worried me, her bike was a powerful machine, it was basically a race bike for the road.

I worried every time she went out on the bike, but the fact that she had completed all the advance training, gave me assurance that she could safely handle any situation that may face her while riding and over the months, she clocked up a lot of road miles.
One Saturday afternoon she came down stairs from her study and said 'right, I'm riding to London tonight, for a leaving party of a friend, who was moving abroad' now that did worry me! I tried my hardest to stop her going, but there was no stopping Alison once she had made up her mind to do something. She didn't know the route into central London, so she taped a sat nav to her petrol tank and set off at about 7pm in the dark. God! Did I worry that night. She got to the east end of London and then the sat nav worked loose and fell off and then got run over by another vehicle, but she eventually found the pub where the leaving party was. There was no pub car park and she didn't want to park the bike out of her sight, so Alison being Alison persuaded a group of guys to lift her bike down steps into the beer garden. I think her and the bike where center of attention from then on and she would have loved that!
With no sat nav, she then had to find her way out of central London, it took her almost two hours to find the route out, she arrived home at gone 4am absolutely frozen, but on such a high, the highlight of her ride was getting lost , you see she found things like that exciting, a challenge! As was the decision to go in the first place.

Having the bike made her so happy, at times I think she loved it more than me, she adored it and would spend hours cleaning it after rides. Within a month or so of having it, she had the bike apart, everything at some point was taken off the bike, apart from the engine. She had to know how things worked, how things fitted together.
She decided she wanted different colour lighting on the dashboard, so that was dismantled down to the circuit board and modified, she was so bloody clever! 
The bike was often in the lounge, as much as I used to moan, an afternoon or evening I could put up with but a week! It made her happy so if she was happy I was happy, what I would give to see that bike in the lounge now.

She was so looking forward to the summer of 2011 and doing lot's of riding, she was also planning a track day, something she really wanted to do. Having good weather in late March and April last year, meant she got a few good rides in before her accident.
I have said before I always feared that knock on the door, at worst being told of a crash with injuries, maybe the bike written off, Alison with a broken leg or arm. You can never prepare yourself for worse than that, the first words from a police officer being ''I'm sorry''

Yes if she had not got the bike she would still be here, then again a few minutes earlier or later, of her going out that Thursday evening, she would still be here, life is for living and getting the most out of it, Alison did that, she lived for now and the bike made her feel alive, she loved the power, the speed, the sound, she adored it.

Tragically something she loved ended her life, I know that she would not have wished to die any other way, she died doing what she loved.

Wednesday, 15 February 2012

Motivation


Now into the tenth month of grief, some seem to think I should be over the grief now and to be honest, if I didn't know what I know now, I would probably think the same of some one who had lost their wife or husband nearly ten months ago. So I don't expect everyone to understand, how can they, I wouldn't understand, had it not happened to me. A few weeks ago two of Alison's young friends popped in for coffee, they are in their early twenties, they have a young open mindedness about loss. We sat chatting and one said in so many words, that I should let go of Alison now and move on, life is for living, look upon your time with Alison as something you have had, as part of life and just take positive things from your time together. Then my face book page was mentioned, in that having it as a shrine to Alison is not doing me any good !
This upset me, more so the mention of my FB page, the thing is, these are young friends who have never had a relationship and certainly never fell in love with anyone yet, how can they possibly know what losing Alison has meant to me. I know they meant well and were only thinking of me in saying those things.
I promised Alison to keep her memory alive, that's what she wanted and I want her to be remembered, at least I have done that.

I have to live with the fact that Alison is now not a physical part of my life any more and I am really still struggling with that fact. In the early months I had to look at photos or video to remind me of her doing certain things, in those early months my memory shut down, probably to protect and help me get through the first stages of grief.
Now I have clarity of mind, I can picture her clearly doing all the things she used to do, as if she was here only yesterday. I still cannot comprehend she is not a physical person any more, my mind tells me she still is, I think of her in afterlife, that she is the same physical person, but she isn't, she only exists as energy, as spirit, my mind at some point has to fully accept she is not physical any more, she has vanished from this earth and there is nothing I can do about it.

She is never out of my thoughts, each day is still a challenge to get through without tears at some point, I miss her so dam much, just thinking back on memories triggers the tears and it's not just the memories and the missing her, knowing that she is not here or ever going to be again, is a bad dream I'm never going to wake up from, it is physical separation at it's worst.

I don't want to feel like this! And as I have said many times before, Alison would hate me being like this, I would like to feel at peace and have acceptance of what has happened, it is just going to take a long time to reach that place. After all this time I still haven't got used to being alone, doubt I ever will, ten months, just seems like one month really, doing things alone, not able to share sucks big time. Having no one to bounce ideas off , no one to share opinions with, no one to ask my opinion, no one to chat nonsense too, basically no one to share my life with! I love our house, all the memories are here, but there is no life in the house any more, it was always buzzing with activity, Alison coming and going, friends coming and going, now nothing, just me.

Then there's the 'moments' when suddenly the reality that she is no longer here is magnified and it hits you deep inside. How can she not be here, I can still see her vividly going out the garden gate for the last time in her life, I watched her go not knowing that it would be the last time I ever saw her alive and she went not knowing that she would be lying dead shortly after. As I have said before, we both died that day, only I am left to go on with my life, while feeling dead inside. Grief has consumed me, no one sees it though, on the outside and in company I smile, I laugh, I'm normal, but inside is where the pain is and no one can see it or detect it, they never see me collapsed on my knees sobbing. The hard truth is that I know I have to get over the grief, sooner rather than later. I have to rebuild my life out of what is left, I cant change what has happened, the grief will not get smaller, I have to rebuild my life around it.

Which means I have to throw myself into work, to start producing paintings like I did before she was taken. Two weeks before she died I had confirmed a solo exhibition in Edinburgh, it would have been my fifth solo exhibition there. Obviously I had to cancel and since then my motivation to paint has been very low. I have had commissions and have slowly worked on these over the months, but the motivation and drive to produce paintings for various galleries, which have been asking for work, has not been there.
By nature, painting is a solitary profession, but not so solitary when you have a partner, Alison would often come in the studio and look over my shoulder at what I was working on, just a little thing like that I miss so much, then of course Alison was the first to see any finished painting.

So I have to now to do it alone, just like everything else! I'm hoping that once I get into painting again productively, it will give me focus and a sense of achievement again, I have to find that motivation! for Alison and myself.

Monday, 30 January 2012

The book


Just a short post about my progress:
A couple of weeks ago I had not been well, the first illness I have had since Alison's loss. I felt as if all the strength I have shown over the last eight and a half months, had suddenly been sapped from my body both physically and mentally. Of course not feeling well doesn't help with emotions, I withdrew into my inner self and suddenly the pin prick of light at the end of the tunnel seemed even further away, not that it was very close in the first place. I felt more lost and alone now than ever.

Sunday 22nd, was one one of my darkest days since losing Alison, I have had many dark days but this day was just a black hole of despair and loss. I hadn't slept well and from the moment of waking up, going downstairs to make my morning coffee, the crying started, I cried on and off all day, I felt pathetic, I felt broken, I felt lost, also the crying was different , it was coming from deep inside me and it hurt.
I miss her more now than ever, every minute of the day I miss her, this is not right she should be here, that's what my mind keeps telling me, I am so struggling to live without her, but no one sees it. She is no longer here but she is still the center of my every thought and emotion, which is why I still cry so much. The future scares me, I had never planned to be alone at my age, Alison was for life, facing the future with out her, is no future, it will be just as it is now an existence.

I know she would hate me feeling like this, she would hate to think I'm not getting on with life and enjoying myself, but I really cant help feeling like I do and as for enjoying myself, well that at the moment almost seems like betrayal and that is something I know I have to overcome at some point. Then again how can I really enjoy life again, you need someone to share your life with to fully enjoy it, I had that, now I haven't.
She was so much part of me, of who I was, when she came into my life she changed my life into something so special, so special all the love I have put into words throughout this blog, is just the tip of the iceberg as to what I felt for her, she was without doubt the greatest person I ever knew and am so proud she chose me to be part of my life.

Once feeling better the dark cloud that hung over me lifted and for some reason I started to see things in a different light. It is now nine months since my loss, I seem to be slowly accepting what has happened and how much my life has changed. The life before is gone for good, as hard as it is, I have to start accepting that, but my love for her remains and that is all I have of her until the day we meet again.

Will we meet again?
Well I have two choices of belief, that there is absolutely nothing after we die or that we live on in spirit in an afterlife. I will go with the latter, I have done endless research on afterlife and from what I have seen and read, there is far more proof that there is life after than proof that there isn't.

I have recently bought a book titled 'The survival of the soul' by Lisa Williams. It has given me much needed acceptance of her passing and belief that I will be with Alison again when my time comes.
A note, if you are very early in grief, then give it a good few months before reading this book, it will then make much more sense to you. Also read it with an open mind.
The book explains in detail, step by step of what happens when we die and the journey we take in the the afterlife.

There is a chapter on finding your soul mate and that some never do, but if you do it is often much later in life and often after several relationships first. It describes the sort of love and understanding two soul mates have and how it differs from a normal relationship, it described me and Alison perfectly! There is a chapter on why our loved ones cannot always visit us and show themselves, hence only subtle signs are ever received, usually within the first ninety days of passing, this is true of the signs I received, they were all very early on after her passing. After ninety days or so the spirit passes over to the next level in afterlife and will only visit again occasionally.
This book has helped me understand where she is now and that it is an amazing place according to what I have read, not just in this book, but during other research. I could not of imagined a year ago that I would be reading books like this or indeed writing this blog, but I am and this is reality, I need to understand in order to move forward.

Thursday, 5 January 2012

Just a number.


Here I am at the start of 2012, a year that Alison has never existed, that statement is heartbreaking! I tell myself it is just a number, that's what I kept telling myself New Years Eve, spent with a friend in Essex. I had decided to escape the party I was invited too next door to me, fearing that come midnight, I would be an emotional wreck and that would just upset people and spoil what is a happy occasion. So the night was spent quietly watching a movie on TV and plenty of food and wine. We watched the countdown on BBC1 and then the fireworks. I promised myself not to cry in front of my friend, I kept too that promise, except for just one small single tear , that fell unnoticed as Big Ben struck midnight.
It was a restless nights sleep that followed, by morning I could feel all the emotion brewed up inside me. Arriving home mid morning to an empty house, was the release valve, within a minute of walking through the door, I just sank to my knees and sobbed and sobbed, with a few wails thrown in for good measure.
Just a number it maybe, but now I have to say that 'Alison died last year', that in itself makes it sound a long time ago.

So 2012 is here, a year that Alison will not be physically part of or the years that follow, how the f---k can that be, all those that have something to offer this world are taken early, for some reason, the brightest stars always burn out first, she was definitely one of the brightest!
This new year stretches out before me, normally I would be excited and happy, as would Alison, we would both have loads to look forward to.Last year she was so looking forward to the warm weather coming, so she could get out on her bike more, not that she didn't ride it during the winter, if it was dry she was out on it, but for obvious reasons warm weather meant more rides and nicer ones. She loved her bike so much and thankfully as we had a warm spring last year, she at least got some good rides in before her life was tragically cut short. She was always eager to get me on the bike with her, I always refused, not because I was scared or didn't trust her riding skills, just that being pillion did not appeal, but I so regret now not ever saying yes, as it would have made her day and you know what, I wish I had been pillion the day she crashed and that we had both died together, I'm serious on that!

How can I be excited and happy, the one person that made my life exciting and happy has gone. It maybe just over eight months ago or last year as it is now, but too me it seems just last week that I lost her, the pain hasn't eased, it is the same just in a different perspective, which in time brings. To be honest I am finding it harder now and as the time goes on, I cry and I cry a lot! in short bursts and more intensely. I'm not just crying for my loss as great as it is, but also Alison's loss in all the things she would have done over the past months and all the things she wanted to do in the months and years to follow. I have emptiness in my life, that I have never had or experienced before and know that it will always be there, as it can never be filled.

I keep asking myself and often say out loud, 'how can she be dead', all these months on and my mind just cannot accept that she is dead-what a horrible word, but it is fact, yet I can't accept it. I know she is never coming back, yet my mind thinks she is still as she was in physical form but in another place that is beyond vision or communication, I think my mind is expecting a miracle and that one day she will walk through the door-how I wish.
But deep down I know our life together has ended, a life together when I look back I took for granted, as we all do, there was always a lifetime to do all the things you wanted to do together, that's how it should be, but for some of us there are different plans, way beyond our control and Alison's time ran out long before it should have done, bless her.

So how do I get over this grief ? Reading about grief, the answer is to let go, easier said than done, how can I let go, I still love her, if I let go I can move forward and if the existence of afterlife is true, if I let go, she can move forward too (more on that in my next post). But I'm moving forward anyway with out letting go, for time drags me along regardless.
I can't help but think of her continuously, I'm surrounded by all her things and her life as it was, it is the only way I can still have her.

I don't know where 2012 will take me, maybe the anniversary of her passing at the end of April will be a turning point and my mind will click into a happier place, I know I will never ever be as happy and content as I was when Aly was alive, it really was a life so perfect, we had ups and downs like all couples, but we had a bond so strong, which is why I'm feeling so much pain and loss. The loneliness without her will never go!

Wednesday, 28 December 2011

1.5 Seconds


Since losing Alison, now eight months ago today, I had dreaded the festive period, it was always a special time for us and Christmas day was always just Alison and me, we loved it. How could I have ever imagined that Christmas 2010 was to be our last together.

So my first Christmas without her and I got through it, I was invited next door for the day, it really helped me get through, I held it together until I got back here. Now that day is behind me, I'm in a void until the next event 'New Years Eve' after that 2012 looms ahead, it is daunting, but all I can do is carry on taking things day by day, until maybe one day my mind clicks into more acceptance that she is no longer here.

I still cannot comprehend and doubt ever will, how my life changed so drastically in April in the blink of an eye. For that's what it was, in fact according to the accident investigation, 1.5 seconds to be exact , the time it took for Alison to fall from her bike and impact with the oncoming vehicle.
In 1.5 seconds I lost everything that mattered in my life, she was the structure of my life , we were one, she was my twin soul! Eight months gone! how I have got this far I really don't know, the minds ability to go numb in those early weeks/months obviously helps, it is a natural mechanism to help you get through, but you don't realise it at the time. If I hadn't started this blog and written everything down, I wouldn't have any gauge of how I have progressed on this journey.

It hasn't got easier, but then I didn't expect it too, but I must have found some inner strength to get me this far, although you wouldn't think so if you saw me in total meltdown at times. I'm still fragile, the slightest disruption in routine or something going wrong, even something trivial has an effect on me, so getting through this festive period was a big but unavoidable step, but I did and far better than I expected, thanks to some good friends.

As mentioned in the previous post, the missing her is far more intense now, constant conversation and interaction that you have as a couple I long for, but it is something I will never have again, coming to terms with that is bloody hard, I have lost confidence in myself, my status has changed, being widowed, single whatever you want to call it, is not nice, I don't feel important any more, I haven't got anyone I want to feel important for.
Next hurdle is New Years Eve, that is actually more daunting than Christmas day, for I will be seeing out the year in which I lost Aly and starting a new year without her and within the new year, I will have the anniversary of her passing to get through and her birthday a few weeks before. The distance from losing her is getting ever greater, but it still seems at times that I lost her just a week or so ago.

We didn't see the New Year in together last year, as she was invited to go with friends down to Cornwall, she was initially indecisive about going, but I said go and have a great time, you may not get another chance, how tragically true those last words! I am so pleased she did go and she did have a great time. How could either of us imagine then, that she would never see another New Year.

This year, I'm going to a friends on new years eve, as there will be parties going on all around me here, I really cannot celebrate, understandably there is nothing for me to celebrate! So it will be just a quiet reflection of what has happened and what life means now that I don't have Alison.
When she was alive,I could never imagine life without her, but here I am facing just that!

I hope that I don't come across as negative and miserable, I'm really not, am I happy? No, but I'm not unhappy, I'm purely heartbroken and sad, dealing with the loss the best way I can and knowing that Aly would not want me to just give up and sink into misery and depression. I cry when I need to, it is not everyday that I cry now, I very rarely take my happy pills now, so that is a good indication of how I'm coping. I do still wander the house though, not believing she has gone, how can someone so electric not exist any more, my mind hasn't totally grasped that yet, I'm desperately lonely of her, I know I always will be.

So a new year beckons, I will carry on keeping her memory alive, I have a memorial bike ride to organize, which will take part on the anniversary of her passing, she will love that if she is watching, but will be probably pissed off in not taking part.
You know, I still worry about her every day, that's how deep my love is, this whole experience has been surreal and remains so, I really hope she is ok and with me sometimes, yes I have had messages saying she is, but I need the 20% doubt taken away, maybe my reading next year will do that.


Wednesday, 21 December 2011

Messages again.


This is another short post, as a follow on to the previous two posts.

Those who have read this blog from the beginning will know my degree of belief of life after death. Before Alison died, I really didn't give it any thought, I liked to believe there was something after of course, Alison was the opposite, she was very factual about it, once your gone there is nothing, that was her belief, although sometimes she would say, I hope I meet up with my Daddy, contradicting herself.

I am still at the 75% point of believing there is an after life, for the further 25% I will need hard evidence, suddenly seeing Alison somewhere in the house as an apparition or having something move would convince me. Or when I go to see a medium next year and I'm told things that only I and Alison know.
As stated in several posts, I have found several white feathers in the garden, in specific places and at specific times, I always said to myself if I find one inside the house I would be convinced, well I did, but I still look for the logical reason it was there. It is the same with the faint banging noise in the house, well I think it is almost definitely air in the heating system.

Anyway on the Wednesday after finding the feather in the house, my eldest son Nathan was visiting his friend Dave , myself or Alison have never met Dave, Nathan phoned me on the Thursday and said Dad I have something to tell you;
He went on to say that while he was there, Dave suddenly blurted out, 'you have a girl standing next to you Nathan' my son said what do you mean?, he repeated and said, 'she says Aly, this freaked Nathan a bit, Dave then said has she got long blond hair? Nathan said yes, Dave said well she is next to you!
What followed where several broken messages, but because Nathan was obviously freaked, he couldn't take in everything this guy was saying, but told me three things that Alison said through this guy for me, I quote:

'Don't go there I don't like it, I'm at the house with you! By this I guess she means don't keep going to the crash site, when you think of it, rightly so it would be the last place she would want to be dragged back too.

'Thank you for the garden' she would always thank me when I had the garden looking nice, she loved it looking good. There is no possible way that Dave would know I had worked hard on the garden to get it nice.
Nathan mentioned the white feathers I have found in the garden, the guy said yes that's her!

I have to keep an open mind on all this, as I said until I get hard evidence I will not be satisfied, that hard evidence may never come! In the meantime after this latest happening, I think I maybe at the 90% point.

But just because we can't see, doesn't mean it's not there, radio waves are all around us, but we can't see them. It has been suggested that the spirit world is parallel to the earthly plane, maybe it is, they can see and hear us, but unless gifted we cannot see or hear them, they are energy and energy does not die. They vibrate at a much higher frequency than we do in physical form, only certain gifted people 'mediums' can bring their vibration to near that frequency.

Thinking outside the box, maybe there is a very good reason that contact is limited, imagine if everyone could communicate with there deceased loved ones and it was common knowledge that after life was better than here, we could have an empty planet!! Just a thought.

Friday, 16 December 2011

The dvd and the feather.


Just a short post, a follow on from the previous post 'Is she around' .

Things keep happening that cannot be put down to coincidence or whatever. Last Sunday evening I was watching TV, in a commercial break, a trailer for the new dvd of 'Rise of the Planet of the Apes' was shown.
I instantly got a feeling of Alison saying 'whoa we have to see that' as I got that feeling, I had a high pitch whistle in my ears, like you do when a high or low frequency hits you occasionally. I thought yeah, you want to see that! I will buy it tomorrow. The feeling I had was instant as if she was standing beside me watching the trailer.

The theory of the high pitch whistle in the ears , could be caused by the frequency of spirit, they vibrate at a much higher frequency than the living, so I have read.

So I bought a copy the next day, wasn't sure when I was going to watch it, as it was going to be the first movie I will have watched alone, since she was taken. Watching movies together was special, I would sit on one of the sofas and she would stretch out on the floor in front of me, on her favourite pink and multi coloured hearts blanket. I now lay that blanket down in front of me where she would lay, every evening !
So that Monday night, I was just about to call it a day, switch everything off and go to bed, it was 1.30am, but for no apparent reason, decided to watch the dvd – not a bad film- but could have been better, Alison would have thought the same. Anyway watching it alone, was not as bad as I imagined as I sort of imagined she was watching it with me, well I hoped so! That was another hurdle overcome and I was pleased about that.
Late to bed, but that's the norm these days, next morning I got up about 10 am, did the usual routine, got dressed, went into my studio turned the computer on, then into the bathroom, then down the stairs to make coffee.
At the bottom of the stairs, I stopped, not believing what I saw! right in front of the bottom step, in the middle of the hallway was a white feather. Now if you have read this blog you will know I have found several white feathers and the meaning of finding them, but I never expected to ever find one inside the house, with no explanation of how it got there, it was not there when I went to bed.
Was this Alison saying thank you ?

Sunday, 11 December 2011

Is she around?



Life is very surreal at the moment, it is the only way I can describe it. Life is normal in the sense that I'm working and doing most things I would be doing if Alison was here, but then at the same time it's not normal, it never will be normal any more, the emptiness will never go. I constantly have her in my thoughts, I still have tears everyday at some point, usually in the evening, actually more than tears, it is uncontrolled sobbing, it does make me feel pathetic, but that's how much I miss her and sobbing is the release valve.
As mentioned in the previous post lot's of memories are flooding back now my mind is no longer numb, the missing her is much more intense.
I'm surrounded by her things, the top floor of the house is still as she left it, a couple of pairs of her shoes are still by the patio doors, her coats still hang in the downstairs closet and if I open her wardrobe – well complete breakdown – but that's how I want it, I need her things close to me. The top floor of the house is a shrine to her, it was her space, where she worked and played, it is still her space if she is around sometimes and wants to use it.

That last comment brings me to the main subject of this post, is she around? I have no hard evidence that she is or has been, just things that could be put down to coincidence (see earlier posts), but just lately I have had two instances of briefly smelling the fabric conditioner that she used to use, I haven't used any since she was taken from me !

Monday, 28 November 2011

Seven months on.


Today I am at exactly seven months into this journey. I still find it unbelievable that Alison is not here, waking up every morning to an empty house is so hard.

I was warned about the start of the six month point of grief as being the hardest period. Early on in this journey I hoped those warnings where not true, as at the time I figured nothing can get any worse than how I was feeling having just lost the girl I valued more than life itself.

Since hitting that six month point, at times I have been in virtual meltdown, I have been deeper in the pit of grief than I thought possible, even dark thoughts have manifested themselves again, but they are just thoughts thankfully, Alison would not want me to do anything stupid, but you get these feelings that you just want to be with her and that you don't want to be here any more. The physical distance from her grows as life travels on, I have no control over that and it still scares me, where the last seven months have gone I don't know, it still feels like I lost her only a week or so ago. Memories are now seeping back, things I couldn't remember in those early weeks, just little things I now remember can set me off crying.

But surely at seven months I should be ok, well over the worst, moving on, letting go, well that's what a few family members think and have said recently, 'come on you have to get over it and cheer up', get on with life, they say. Alison would not want you grieving, she would want you to be happy.
Oh! if only it was that easy, do they think I want to be feeling like this and sure I know Alison would not want to see me like this, but the early weeks progressing with out her and thinking she would be proud of me for coping are long gone. They were weeks of functioning on auto pilot in a surreal world, what I'm going through now is 'real time' grief, unmasked by numbness and shock.
I'm told I should now give more time to my family, more time to my two new grandsons, get out more and enjoy life.
I really don't want to do happy families. Why should they expect more of me now than when Alison was alive, why criticise the way I am handling my grief, I doubt, that one side of my family has even read this blog or even looked at any websites associated with Alison's memory, if they did, they may have a better understanding. These comments came about because I missed a family gathering, I just didn't feel up to it having had a really bad day the day before

Everything has changed, as I have said many times my life as I knew it stopped on the 28th of April,, I have now got to adapt to this life/existence and it is going to take time, a long time.
I have been told by counsellors and many people I know online going through the same, that it can take years to find some sort of peace and understanding and the fact that I have trauma associated with the grief makes it harder.
I am fragile and it doesn't take much to make me a total wreck, sobbing my heart out on the floor, yes even at seven months! I still cry everyday at some point.
Yes I'm in a bubble, once in awhile I step out of that bubble, but go back in as it is my comfort zone for the time being. Those on the outside see seven months as a long time, on the inside it is a very short time. I'm not always miserable or depressed, just totally heartbroken and sad, not a minute goes by without her in my thoughts and missing her so badly, but I do smile and laugh sometimes.

She was such a massive part of my life, more massive than even she realised. She was fun, she was full of life, she was unique, she made me feel complete, she made me feel proud, she made me feel important, she gave me confidence, she gave me purpose, I had someone I could love and care for, worry about, make happy and most importantly share my life with, all those things have gone for good, I only have my memories left and that's not enough, which is why I will always ache for her physical presence and knowing that I will never have that physical presence, just compounds my pain.

She always said she only wished one thing should she die, that is to be remembered and not forgotten by all who knew her, well I am making sure she is getting her wish and will do so until my last day.

Tuesday, 15 November 2011

ADC maybe!

In a previous post 'dreams', I described four particular dreams that in them I had the feeling of an electric charge running through my body, in each dream feeling a presence but not seeing anyone and then waking up quickly after. Also as mentioned, Alison has never been in my dreams.

Well that changed on Sunday night, I had been very emotional Sunday evening – no change there – I am still struggling with the long evenings/nights. Well Sunday night I had the fifth of these peculiar dreams, within the dream the electrical charge feeling came over me, starting from my head and moving slowly down my body, it's really not a pleasant feeling. But this time I didn't wake up, maybe subconsciously I made myself not wake up, I do seem to remember saying to myself in the dream, don't wake up, the feeling subsided and right in front of me vividly was Alison with arms open wide, we walked towards each other and hugged, I remember asking her questions, but cannot remember what, I then woke up.

I told Alison's mother about the dream on the Monday, she has also not dreamt of Alison, but Sunday night she did as well and said she felt complete calm and happiness after.

So was this just a coincidence, just ordinary dreams or a 'visit'.

There is a lot of info on the internet about after death communication (ADC) here is a paragraph from one website:

Many experience after death communication through dreams. Dreaming it seems, provides the perfect conditions for after death contact to occur. When dreaming, our vibration is naturally elevated. Thus, we’re in a particularly receptive state to make a connection with the deceased. When we dream, the rational, judgemental portions of our mind are temporarily suspended and it is easy for us to merge with the soul energy of those who reside in spirit. Dreams about deceased loved ones can greatly aid our grieving process. My deceased loved ones continue to be an active part of my dreaming life. This helps me to feel that they are still an ongoing part of my life in general.

So who knows, maybe the electrical charge I feel is Alison's energy, I certainly have never in my life experienced that feeling before she was taken.

Saturday, 12 November 2011

Claws of grief

Well the claws of grief have really hooked into me over the last few days, I should have known after getting through one day without crying, the first in over six months, that grief was just waiting until I was off guard to stab it's claws in and pull me back to reality.  I cry harder now than I have done before.
I'm missing Alison more and more, the numbness of my mind has gone, the lovely memories are flooding back. That's all I have now memories, the reality that she does not exist any more is hitting me hard. I constantly ask myself how someone so vibrant so full of life, who had achieved so much in life, can be beside my bed in a multicoloured urn.

Will I ever adapt to this new life of no choosing? God knows, I can only go by what others who have been through the same and are further on than me, have said, in that it does get easier. I must mention that I have had a lot of online support from dozens of others who are going through this, some earlier in the journey, some later, we all support each other, one or two have become very good online friends, they know who they are.

I must also mention my neighbours Claire and Shaun, without them I would definitely not have got this far, they have always been there for me, they were close to Alison, so understand, Claire was also sitting next to me in the police car when the police woman broke the news, we both went into shock together.

Adapting to this new life is the only choice I have, it is the biggest challenge I have ever faced, losing Alison has shattered my life to pieces, I doubt I will ever get those pieces back together again, if they do go back , they will never be in the right order . As I mentioned in a recent post, the distance thing is getting to me, in the early weeks, months I felt her near, I imagined she was just the other side of a one way mirror, she could see and hear me, but I couldn't see or hear her. I would like to believe that is how it is, just as I would like to believe in after life, but the time distance is fading that belief. Alison was so intelligent and clever, I ask myself if anyone can make contact from the other side if there is life after, in any way, she could, but she doesn't, so that's why disbelief is now over powering any belief I had , that in turn makes me feel even more lonely for my loss.

She has still yet to make an appearance in my dreams, I long for her to be in them, everyone else is but not her, that is something I really cannot understand. I am often with some one in my dreams, but I never see their face or I just cant remember their face when I wake.

I miss the normal conversation that couples have, I miss sharing thoughts and ideas that can only be shared with a partner, I miss everything! how can that ever be replaced. This house was for both of us, we were the first and only ones to live here, it has our imprint, but now I'm the only one here, it seems so wrong and empty. The fun has gone from my life, with Alison it was fun with a capital F, never a dull moment from one day to the next. She gave me love in a way I have never had before, we were totally in tune with each other.

She brought excitement to my life, now I feel none, nothing excites me any more, I don't see a future, the future was me and her, that is now gone.
I have memories, pictures, video, she is in my heart in my mind, but it's never going to be enough, but the brutal truth is that it will have to be as it's all I've got! She is never coming back, I will never ever see her again, how the hell can I live with the loss of her, she was my happiness, I can never be truthfully happy again.

So yeah at the moment I am really struggling, yeah I put on a brave face, I get on with things, but the pain is always there, this nightmare I can never wake up from goes on.

I'm not suicidal, don't think I'm depressed, I simply just miss the one person in my life that I thought would always be there, the person that made my life complete and who I loved so deeply, that not even she realised how deep my love was.