Wednesday, 17 August 2011
Trying to be positive
After what happened on Saturday night, I have been in a more positive mind, enough to seriously focus on getting some work done. Over the last months I have just done a bit here a bit there when the mood takes me.
But now out of necessity I need to, so the message received Sat night came at the right time.
So yesterday I focused on getting a new painting started, but it has been so hard to hold concentration, even with rock music playing on the hi fi.
It is so bloody lonely! Even though painting is a solitary thing, not having Alison here banging about upstairs, or hearing her talking on the phone, or tapping away on her keyboard, coming down and making cups of coffee, or going out then coming in, general banter and chat etc etc, just makes everything seem empty, the house has lost it's fun and productivity, it's soul.
With no tears on Sunday and none during the day yesterday, it was back to tears before bedtime yesterday evening. I can get through the days easier now, but the evenings are now the hardest and know they will get harder as the nights draw in, I'm really dreading the winter months.
No more watching movies together, have not watched one since she was taken. There are movies we wanted to see, in fact I may have mentioned before, we were going to watch one the evening she died. I will never watch that now.
I will keep trying to be positive but it is far from easy, I know that's what she wants, for me to get on with life. I often said to her, 'if I lost you I would be destroyed' 'oh' she would say 'you'll get over it' little did she know.