Thursday, 11 August 2011
Alison was in my dreams for the first time last night, since she was taken from me. There were four separate dreams, the first was a real nightmare, a dream that I thought was real until I suddenly awoke. The other three just weird as dreams are.
I would have thought it would have been comforting, I longed for the day she was in my dreams, but it had the reverse effect. I have done nothing but cry for her today, worse this evening, tears again while I type this.
At this moment I am in total despair and broken, to be honest, she always wished for me to ride pillion with her on the bike, I always refused, light heartedly saying, I prefer to take control of my own destiny.
How I wish I was on that bike with her that evening and we both died together.
I valued life so much when Alison was alive, I looked forward to every new day.
I worried about our age difference of twenty years, what if I became ill, what if I died and left her behind. It worried me as she would not of coped, for reasons only I know, even more so now, I would hate for her to suffer what I'm going through.
Every day an effort, no fun, no one to talk to, no one to share things with.
Where is the value of life now, it's not me feeling sorry for myself either, it is purely that life without her is pointless.
Seventeen weeks to the day, she was taken, it seems a lifetime, can't imagine a year ahead, let alone another ten or more. Knowing I will never ever see her again tears my heart out, well what's left of it.
I keep telling myself as a couple we were never going to die together, unless it was an accident, in some ways I wish I was on that bike with her that evening and we both died together. But if things had taken the natural course and we lived to a good age, then I would have gone first. She knew that and it did worry her. Now she hasn't got to worry about that, or worry about becoming ill or getting old, she hated the thought of getting old.
She had a very matter of fact way with dealing with death, if it happens it happens she would say, she didn't fear it, she would often say, 'everyone at the present is going to be dead in a hundred years anyway'. Hence she lived life to the full and that's what made life exciting for me. I didn't want her to get the bike, but nothing was going to stop her, she loved that bike , she even had it in the house sometimes ! to clean and polish it or do a modification, much to my disapproval, but it made her happy and that's what was important, when she was riding, she had everything she craved, adrenalin, danger, speed, admiration and she did look cool!!
It is tragic that something she loved took her life, but she died doing what she loved.
So now I really don't value life like I used too.