She was so beautiful and I will love her for ever.

Thursday, 11 August 2011

I valued life

I valued life so much when Alison was alive, I looked forward to every new day.
I worried about our age difference of twenty years, what if I became ill, what if I died and left her behind. It worried me as she would not of coped, for reasons only I know, even more so now, I would hate for her to suffer what I'm going through.
Every day an effort, no fun, no one to talk to, no one to share things with.
Where is the value of life now, it's not me feeling sorry for myself either, it is purely that life without her is pointless.
Seventeen weeks to the day, she was taken, it seems a lifetime, can't imagine a year ahead, let alone another ten or more. Knowing I will never ever see her again tears my heart out, well what's left of it.

I keep telling myself as a couple we were never going to die together, unless it was an accident, in some ways I wish I was on that bike with her that evening and we both died together. But if things had taken the natural course and we lived to a good age, then I would have gone first. She knew that and it did worry her. Now she hasn't got to worry about that, or worry about becoming ill or getting old, she hated the thought of getting old.

She had a very matter of fact way with dealing with death, if it happens it happens she would say, she didn't fear it, she would often say, 'everyone at the present is going to be dead in a hundred years anyway'. Hence she lived life to the full and that's what made life exciting for me. I didn't want her to get the bike, but nothing was going to stop her, she loved that bike , she even had it in the house sometimes ! to clean and polish it or do a modification, much to my disapproval, but it made her happy and that's what was important, when she was riding, she had everything she craved, adrenalin, danger, speed, admiration and she did look cool!!

It is tragic that something she loved took her life, but she died doing what she loved.

So now I really don't value life like I used too.


  1. Ian I just wanted to share with you. I lost my boyfriend in Aug of last year in a motorcycle accident. He was hit by a dangerous driver. I still have the trial to come. I can identify with what your saying. I wish i had died with him. I never rode on the bike with him. I think he thought it was too dangerous and didn't want to risk me being hurt. Ironic isn't it. I would love to have died with him and yet am now left living life for both of us. I also let him put his bike into the hall of our house the week before he died. He was delighted and took a array of photo's to show his friends. You just want to make them happy don't you!

  2. Hi,
    I am so sorry for your loss and in similar circumstances.
    I always said to Alison,your so vulnerable to other road users.
    Yeah making her happy is what counted, once or twice, the bike was in the living room for over a week, it used to drive me mad, but would give anything to see it in the room now with her working on it.

    Thankyou for commenting