She was so beautiful and I will love her for ever.

Sunday, 31 July 2011

Frozen in time

Days after Alison's passing, the house remained the same, everything left as it was, no tidying, I couldn't bare to move anything. All her shoes remained in the corner by the patio doors, her gym bag on the floor next to the table, the table top cluttered with her things, her Guci handbag hanging on a table chair.
Constant painful reminders of her and that she was never coming back, everything frozen in time from the evening of the accident. 
Gradually after her cremation, I tidied and moved things around, really just to make space for some photos I had printed of her and put in frames. The living room bookcase became a shrine to her,I even had her casket of ashes on the bottom shelf. I didn't know at the time, but it was far too soon to do this, I wasn't strong enough emotionally to see photos of her everywhere and have a shrine to her in the living room, I realised  it would be best for now to move some of her personal items out of view.

I friend gave me a big box printed with butterflies, to use as a memory box, all her personal items are now in it. Her rings, her purse, her passport, the last box of cigarettes I bought her etc etc.

We live in a three storey house, the top of the house was Alison's space, she used a large walk in cupboard as her office, the shower room doubled up as a workshop, the main room on the top floor was taken up with more desks and computer screens. Alison had a degree in electronics and computer science and programming, so everything on the top floor was geared up for her work in that field.
Apart from tdying the main room, her office is as she left it, I have her casket on her desk and photos and her memory box and other personal things dotted around, it is now her shrine, I go up there to talk to her and weep. The workshop hasn't been touched, even now I expect to see her sitting in her office chair or cross legged sitting on the floor at a workshop table.
One of my family members asked me just a couple of days after Alison was taken, 'what are you going to do with all her stuff, all her clothes, are you getting rid of them?
This so annoyed me, no way I said, everything is staying here, clothes everything! They are part of Alison, so are still part of me.

We died as a couple

On the 28th of April we died as a couple, except I'm still here with a change of life forced upon me. Alison would never of wanted this for me, to see me in torment everyday, crying everyday, constantly sad and my zest for life gone.
On the 4th of August it will be 16 weeks since she was taken from me, I have cried for her, every day of those sixteen weeks, I honestly cant see the tears ever stopping.
She was my total life, everything I lived for was for her, without her there seems no purpose.
If I knew for certain that we would be together again on the other side, if there is another side and if I didn't have to be strong for her mum and my two boys from my previous marriage, I would not hesitate in trying to be with her, but I know in my heart, that is no solution, would I want to put others through this.

So I'm here still, I have got through the past sixteen weeks, I don't know how, but I keep telling myself, that the only way I can hold on to her is by
memory and looking at her photos and video, as heart breaking that is to do at the moment.
Also keeping her memory and name alive with the tribute site, keeps me going.

Finding the Merry Widows website a few weeks after her loss has been a saviour, anyone reading this blog who has just lost a partner must do the same, I honestly would not know where I would be, now if it wasn't for the support given by people going through the same grief process on the site.

When you lose a partner, part of you dies with them, trust me this is so true, after the loss you are no longer the person you were. That fact is incredibly hard to accept, I still haven't accepted it, but I know it is true. Likewise I cannot yet accept that Alison is no longer here, yet I know it is true and real, I have her ashes, but I still expect her to walk through the door.
Anyone who has not lost a partner will never understand what it is like, it is horrendous day in day out. Every second, every minute, every hour every day and so forth, your mind thinks of nothing but the loss, not just the loss of your loved one, but also the loss of the life you had before, as that life has also gone for ever. It is not self pity, you cannot just pull yourself together and get on with life, time is not the healer either as most people would tell you. It doesn't heal, it just allows you to cope better.
Your mind is traumatized and scarred , the healing process is slow, very slow. The nature of how Alison lost her life is extra trauma, so instant, here one second and gone the next.
As the weeks  go by you start feeling an extra sadness, that being all the days she has lost doing the things she loved, more on that in a different post.