She was so beautiful and I will love her for ever.

Sunday, 31 July 2011

We died as a couple

On the 28th of April we died as a couple, except I'm still here with a change of life forced upon me. Alison would never of wanted this for me, to see me in torment everyday, crying everyday, constantly sad and my zest for life gone.
On the 4th of August it will be 16 weeks since she was taken from me, I have cried for her, every day of those sixteen weeks, I honestly cant see the tears ever stopping.
She was my total life, everything I lived for was for her, without her there seems no purpose.
If I knew for certain that we would be together again on the other side, if there is another side and if I didn't have to be strong for her mum and my two boys from my previous marriage, I would not hesitate in trying to be with her, but I know in my heart, that is no solution, would I want to put others through this.

So I'm here still, I have got through the past sixteen weeks, I don't know how, but I keep telling myself, that the only way I can hold on to her is by
memory and looking at her photos and video, as heart breaking that is to do at the moment.
Also keeping her memory and name alive with the tribute site, keeps me going.

Finding the Merry Widows website a few weeks after her loss has been a saviour, anyone reading this blog who has just lost a partner must do the same, I honestly would not know where I would be, now if it wasn't for the support given by people going through the same grief process on the site.

When you lose a partner, part of you dies with them, trust me this is so true, after the loss you are no longer the person you were. That fact is incredibly hard to accept, I still haven't accepted it, but I know it is true. Likewise I cannot yet accept that Alison is no longer here, yet I know it is true and real, I have her ashes, but I still expect her to walk through the door.
Anyone who has not lost a partner will never understand what it is like, it is horrendous day in day out. Every second, every minute, every hour every day and so forth, your mind thinks of nothing but the loss, not just the loss of your loved one, but also the loss of the life you had before, as that life has also gone for ever. It is not self pity, you cannot just pull yourself together and get on with life, time is not the healer either as most people would tell you. It doesn't heal, it just allows you to cope better.
Your mind is traumatized and scarred , the healing process is slow, very slow. The nature of how Alison lost her life is extra trauma, so instant, here one second and gone the next.
As the weeks  go by you start feeling an extra sadness, that being all the days she has lost doing the things she loved, more on that in a different post.


  1. Another moving post Colin. As you say, if there was 100% proof that we would see our loved ones again then I would have no hesitation in crossing myself over. I used to fantasise about having a button on the inside of my wrist which I could press and just go - so many times I would have pressed it in a heartbeat.

    The reality is, we don't know, there are no guarantees if we jumped the queue so to speak. I know the pain that suicide causes those who are left behind, though in those terrible early days, I couldn't imagine that those who loved me would want me to be anything other than peaceful, however that 'peace' came.

    HB from PG

  2. Yes if only we knew for certain, I would get everything sorted for those left behind and I'd be gone. I have already told everyone that the day I die, be it another 20 years or whatever--hope it ain't that long to be truthful,that I don't fear death now and that I will be at peace and will be wherever Alison is.