Monday, 29 October 2012
Eighteen months now, since losing Alison, where has all that time gone, I find it unbelievable and surreal that she has not been in my life physically for all those months.
I remember standing outside alone at the reception after her funeral and thinking what is life going to be like many months ahead, I could not imagine it, to be honest I didn't think I could survive the weeks ahead let alone months. At the time I just wanted to follow her at the soonest opportunity, once things had all been sorted, but of course this was just irrational thinking.
So here I am all those months on and well into the second year, which is the year of reality, the reality has hit me big time, this is my life now, she is never coming back, never will I see her again in this physical world.
My mind still struggles to accept this, every morning when I awake, for a split second I still expect to see her beside me, for whilst I sleep, I escape the relentless mental torture of missing her.
Such was my bond and my absolute love for her, the adjustment to her not being here, is going to be long and mentally painful.
But I have to adjust, I have no choice, I know she is with me in spirit, but it's not enough, I so desperately want her back and there is nothing more frustrating than that being impossible.
In my last post I stated that I don't feel her around as much now as I did in the early months, there have been no more signs, no more dreams, no feeling of presence.
I know she will have moved on in spirit, completely crossed over and probably disconnected completely from the earth plane, it brings on a whole new feeling of loss and emptiness.
I will go and see the medium Susan, for one last reading next year, after that I feel I have to release myself from this wanting and longing, for it is never going to bring her back,
I do get desperately lonely and I still have days of complete sadness and all these months on I still cry, the price I pay for true love! and because I work from home, it means much of my time is spent alone with my thoughts of what I had and what I have lost.
So back to adjusting to life with out her ;
In losing her, I lost my zest for life, I lost my confidence, my motivation, I lost everything that was important to me. So now I have to slowly try and get some of those things back. I need to start enjoying life again, it will of course never be the same as when Alison was here, I loved life back then, but I can't and won't let myself become recluse, Alison would hate that.
I have to build new memories and not feel guilty about doing so, I have to keep telling myself that I shouldn't feel guilty about enjoying myself.
Just over a week ago, I had a good friend (Jane) come to stay for a couple of days, we became friends on a widow forum. I met her in London back in the spring (see an earlier post), she lost her husband in an almost identical accident to Alison's, a month earlier, so we have this tragic common ground.
Jane stayed from the Thursday until the Sunday, on the Friday morning I had booked her in to have a reading with Susan the medium. I sat outside in the car while Jane was having the reading, she was in there a full hour, I just hoped her husband John would come through. I had been telling Alison to connect with John and make sure he was there to come through – well you never know.
Anyway John did come through and Susan actually gave his name!
the reading couldn't have been better, I was so pleased for Jane.
Anyway we had two lovely days out, visited a couple of nice eateries, had fab food, the most amazing oysters, scallops, lobster, we certainly ate well.
In the evenings we watched movies and drank plenty of red wine.
It was a fab couple of days, Jane is a very special friend and great company.
Whilst making coffee in the kitchen, it was strange hearing someone upstairs again, I was caught off guard (not quite the right term) when on Saturday morning Jane switched on a her hair dryer, for a few seconds I thought it was Alison, never thought I would hear a hair dryer in the bedroom again! I just had to go outside quickly.
So I'm building these new memories, I'm learning how to enjoy without feeling guilty, Alison would want that for sure.
But it is still bloody hard!!