Wednesday, 28 December 2011
Since losing Alison, now eight months ago today, I had dreaded the festive period, it was always a special time for us and Christmas day was always just Alison and me, we loved it. How could I have ever imagined that Christmas 2010 was to be our last together.
So my first Christmas without her and I got through it, I was invited next door for the day, it really helped me get through, I held it together until I got back here. Now that day is behind me, I'm in a void until the next event 'New Years Eve' after that 2012 looms ahead, it is daunting, but all I can do is carry on taking things day by day, until maybe one day my mind clicks into more acceptance that she is no longer here.
I still cannot comprehend and doubt ever will, how my life changed so drastically in April in the blink of an eye. For that's what it was, in fact according to the accident investigation, 1.5 seconds to be exact , the time it took for Alison to fall from her bike and impact with the oncoming vehicle.
In 1.5 seconds I lost everything that mattered in my life, she was the structure of my life , we were one, she was my twin soul! Eight months gone! how I have got this far I really don't know, the minds ability to go numb in those early weeks/months obviously helps, it is a natural mechanism to help you get through, but you don't realise it at the time. If I hadn't started this blog and written everything down, I wouldn't have any gauge of how I have progressed on this journey.
It hasn't got easier, but then I didn't expect it too, but I must have found some inner strength to get me this far, although you wouldn't think so if you saw me in total meltdown at times. I'm still fragile, the slightest disruption in routine or something going wrong, even something trivial has an effect on me, so getting through this festive period was a big but unavoidable step, but I did and far better than I expected, thanks to some good friends.
As mentioned in the previous post, the missing her is far more intense now, constant conversation and interaction that you have as a couple I long for, but it is something I will never have again, coming to terms with that is bloody hard, I have lost confidence in myself, my status has changed, being widowed, single whatever you want to call it, is not nice, I don't feel important any more, I haven't got anyone I want to feel important for.
Next hurdle is New Years Eve, that is actually more daunting than Christmas day, for I will be seeing out the year in which I lost Aly and starting a new year without her and within the new year, I will have the anniversary of her passing to get through and her birthday a few weeks before. The distance from losing her is getting ever greater, but it still seems at times that I lost her just a week or so ago.
We didn't see the New Year in together last year, as she was invited to go with friends down to Cornwall, she was initially indecisive about going, but I said go and have a great time, you may not get another chance, how tragically true those last words! I am so pleased she did go and she did have a great time. How could either of us imagine then, that she would never see another New Year.
This year, I'm going to a friends on new years eve, as there will be parties going on all around me here, I really cannot celebrate, understandably there is nothing for me to celebrate! So it will be just a quiet reflection of what has happened and what life means now that I don't have Alison.
When she was alive,I could never imagine life without her, but here I am facing just that!
I hope that I don't come across as negative and miserable, I'm really not, am I happy? No, but I'm not unhappy, I'm purely heartbroken and sad, dealing with the loss the best way I can and knowing that Aly would not want me to just give up and sink into misery and depression. I cry when I need to, it is not everyday that I cry now, I very rarely take my happy pills now, so that is a good indication of how I'm coping. I do still wander the house though, not believing she has gone, how can someone so electric not exist any more, my mind hasn't totally grasped that yet, I'm desperately lonely of her, I know I always will be.
So a new year beckons, I will carry on keeping her memory alive, I have a memorial bike ride to organize, which will take part on the anniversary of her passing, she will love that if she is watching, but will be probably pissed off in not taking part.
You know, I still worry about her every day, that's how deep my love is, this whole experience has been surreal and remains so, I really hope she is ok and with me sometimes, yes I have had messages saying she is, but I need the 20% doubt taken away, maybe my reading next year will do that.