Friday, 28 October 2011
Six months to the day, in the blink of an eye my life changed for ever, my perfect world collapsed around me, I had lost the most precious person in my life Alison .
How can I comprehend that she lost her life by just bad luck, being in the wrong place at the wrong time, for someone who gave so much and cared so much and had achieved so much in her life, it just does not make sense that she was taken. But that is how fragile life is, something you don't readily think about until tragedy crosses your path and your plunged into grief and grief is also something you don't think of or truly understand until your plunged into it. After these long six months, It still scares me that the rest of my life will be lived without her, other than memories, knowing that I will never ever see her again in physical form, I don't think I will ever come to terms with.
Although Alison was pronounced dead at the hospital, she in fact died almost immediately at the scene of the accident when she went into cardiac arrest. I'm told that there has to be a set time before the paramedics/doctors give up on bringing her back to life, when all hope fades and resuscitation stops, that is then set as the time of death. Her chest injuries were so severe that they were not survivable, but they tried.
So in the last few weeks I have been reading about the dying process and NDE (Near death experiences) in particular, also watching a television program called 'Back form beyond', think that's what it's called. In all cases I have read about on the internet and watched on television, the one consistent point that comes across is that the experience is beautiful, so beautiful that most do not want to come back, but obviously in all NDE cases they have comeback, having been brought back by the medical team.
Some of these people have not just been dead for a minute or so, in some cases anything up to an hour , one who because he plunged and drowned in a frozen lake and his body was practically frozen, was dead for three hours before he was revived.
In every case I have seen and read, the person has floated out and above their body, looked down and seen the medical teams at work, some even seeing family members in the next room, before being pulled upwards and drawn towards a bright light.
Some see deceased loved ones welcoming them when they reach the light, but telling them your time is not now, you must go back.
All describe the experience as being enveloped in love and calmness,
beyond words that can describe, so much so that they just did not want to come back, regardless of the loved ones they were leaving behind.
One case involved a a senior consultant at a hospital, who had a massive heart attack, here was a doctor who before his NDE was sceptical and admits now that it has changed his views that there is something beyond death. Indeed it is now understood that dying is in fact a process, not an instant and it is now possible to bring someone back after fairly long periods of being dead.
Most medics would say that these experiences are really caused by the last gasps of the brain as it runs out of oxygen before shutting down, maybe so
but the experience does happen and that cant be a bad thing. Maybe further beyond what an NDE gives, there is absolute nothing, just like we cannot remember anything before we were born. I know Alison believed that after death there is nothing.
In Alison's passing, I hope and am sure that she left her body and experienced the amazing beauty that all these other people experienced, with the exception that she tragically completed the journey to the other side, be it nothing or a life after. If the latter then, my only wish in life is that she will be waiting for me when I do that final journey.
The conclusion of this six month part of my journey of grief, is that I miss her more than ever, I long for her but know I can never have her or see again, that my life now is without her physically, but she will always be part of who I am and always in my heart. Gone are the days of going to bed at the end of the day feeling content and waking up with a good feeling of the day ahead. I still have many moments daily when I cannot believe this has happened. When I think back to that Thursday evening six months ago just before 6pm when we both looked at each other before she went out, neither of us knew that it would be the last time we ever saw each other, how fragile is life!
Rest in peace my Angel, will love and cherish you for ever more XX