Friday, 23 March 2012
On the day of the celebration of her life, at the village hall reception, I stood quietly outside on my own in the warm sunshine with just my thoughts.
Ahead of me stretched my future without Alison, she was at that point in time not a physical person any more, never ever will I see her again, all I had now were memories.
How was I going to continue life without her, how would I get through the next few months let alone the year, what would it be like in ten years time or longer without her, how can I live a life without her beside me. It was unreal, just a bad dream I just needed to wake from, but this was real, not a dream, for eight amazing years she was my life, my future, now she was gone, cruelly taken away from me, she had so much more living to do, it should have been me gone not her. At the celebration after everyone had left the chapel, I stood alone with my hands on her casket saying my last goodbye to her, it was so final, so impossible that her beauty, her charisma, her sheer presence was no longer.
So here I am ,coming up to eleven months without her and it is still unreal, it still feels such a short time that I was saying my that last goodbye and makes me realise I have a long way to go in this journey called grief.
Even now I have moments when I expect her to walk through the door or hear her tapping away on the computer keyboard upstairs. I walk into rooms and expect her to be there, but she's not and I stand looking at the empty space where she should be.
The emptiness and loneliness is what I feel most, it will always be with me. Alison filled my life, she was my structure, my rock, my inspiration, she was my future.
I have lost all that and now I have to somehow adjust to life alone, not easy, my future is so different and I don't like it.
But then I have no choice whether I like it or not, this is how it is now, I have to somehow build around the grief and gradually get some sort of life to enjoy, how do you do that, when it is impossible to better the life you had or even equal it.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not continuously sitting around feeling miserable and sorry for myself , I get on with things and enjoy moments, even enjoy some days. I have a good network of friends for support in the real world and online, I just take things day by day, but every waking minute I miss her, the mental pain I feel of her not being here, not existing, really cannot be described.
I still struggle with mornings, when Alison was here I was always up early, now on average it is 10am that I get up, that said I seldom go to bed until 2am, sometimes 3am. I stay up late to make sure that as soon as I hit the pillow I'm asleep. There really is nothing to get up early for any more, I so miss opening my eyes and seeing Alison and then having the most special cuddle of the day, where we would just doze together with our bodies entwined. Now every morning I wake to just a photo of Aly beside my bed and another day with out her.
The visit to the medium has helped in knowing that she is with me sometimes, it is a bit of a double edged sword though, she came through so easily and specific on so many things that were conveyed to me, I want more! I talk to her and tell her to do things, just for that extra bit of proof, but she doesn't do things I ask. But then I don't know the workings on the other side of the veil, maybe there are rules on how much contact can be made and how contact is made, maybe the energy needed to move things to show they are around,is something that is hard to do and has to be learnt, then of course time doesn't exist, a second, a minute in afterlife could be two months or more here on earth.
Maybe Aly was waiting in the earth plane to make contact to let me know she was happy and now that she has done that, she could now move on in her journey and cross over properly on the other side, maybe now contact/signs will be few and far between, maybe none.
I did face a risk with a reading, what if Alison didn't come through, where would that then leave my belief, what if she came through and was not happy, that would devastate me further, but that said you never read or hear of people being unhappy in afterlife, sometimes a few visits are needed for them to come through. It was a risk and something I really did not realize until I was sitting in the car waiting for my appointment time, but I had to know one way or the other. I need not have been apprehensive, having since learnt that Susan is highly regarded and even Ipswich Police Force use her gift in serious investigations.
Also my worries in Susan being local and that she could have found information on me or Alison on the internet, have been eliminated, Susan does not own or use a computer or even a mobile phone, besides what came through was so specific and had not been published online. Susan explained that she connects with the thought of the spirit and that was the overwhelming feeling, that she was tapped into Alison.
So in just a few weeks time it will be the anniversary of her passing, before that her birthday, two tough days to get through and on the 29th April there will be a memorial motorcycle ride for Alison. This time last year when she was here and everything was happy and normal, I could never of imagined that I would be sitting here writing this.
The fact that I am still writing, at nearly eleven months is testament to how much she meant to me and means to me to this day. I am aware that as time progresses there really is not much more I can write without repeating myself. I will continue to write until the anniversary, I will write about the memorial bike ride. Beyond that I don't know, the blog will of course always remain online, I know that it has helped others who are going through the same journey and it will help those who have yet to feel grief understand.