These are words I read on a website, I have just changed them around a little, but they are so true! I will not recover. This is not a cold or the flu. I'm not sick. I'm grieving and that's different. My grieving may only begin properly 6 months after Alison's death.
Don't think that I will be over it in a year. For I am not only grieving her death, but also the person I was when I was with her, the life that we shared, the plans we had ,the places we will never get to go together, and the hopes and dreams that will never come true. My whole world has crumbled and I will never be the same person.
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So over the last twenty weeks in no particular order a summary of my thoughts and feelings:
You find out who your true friends are and a few you thought were, are not.
That losing Alison is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with in my life.
Life is the only possession you cannot hold onto forever, never take things for granted.
'Your looking a lot better' some say, that is the outside, the inside is where the pain is.
Why is it so hard for Alison's friends to find her website and leave their respects.
Never believe the promises made by some people in the early days of grief.
Strange how all the phone calls and emails and invites out, stop after just a few weeks.
That Alison would want me to be happy and get on with life, easier said than done.
Shopping for one and cooking for one, then eating on your own is soul destroying.
With a blink of an eye she was gone, how can someone so vibrant not exist any more.
Everyday I cry for the loss of her , I cry for the loss of the life I once had, I cry for the all that she has missed.
Because my love for her was so deep, I'm now paying for it in the pain I feel.
This big house has never had anyone living in it other than me and Alison, now it is so empty, even though her memories are still here.
I cry alone almost everyday, I need to release emotion, it would be nice sometimes to cry with someone else.
Everyday I still have disbelief in what has happened and that I will never see Alison again in this life.
Having not had much reason to watch mainstream television before, I now realise how much crap is broadcast.
Waking up each day and realising she is not there any more, rips me apart inside.
Sometimes I feel she is near, other times not at all, everyday I think this is not real.
January the 1st 2011, happy new year, did I ever imagine I would be sitting typing this out.
