These are words I read on a website, I have just changed them around a little, but they are so true! I will not recover. This is not a cold or the flu. I'm not sick. I'm grieving and that's different. My grieving may only begin properly 6 months after Alison's death.
Don't think that I will be over it in a year. For I am not only grieving her death, but also the person I was when I was with her, the life that we shared, the plans we had ,the places we will never get to go together, and the hopes and dreams that will never come true. My whole world has crumbled and I will never be the same person.
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So over the last twenty weeks in no particular order a summary of my thoughts and feelings:
You find out who your true friends are and a few you thought were, are not.
That losing Alison is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with in my life.
Life is the only possession you cannot hold onto forever, never take things for granted.
'Your looking a lot better' some say, that is the outside, the inside is where the pain is.
Why is it so hard for Alison's friends to find her website and leave their respects.
Never believe the promises made by some people in the early days of grief.
Strange how all the phone calls and emails and invites out, stop after just a few weeks.
That Alison would want me to be happy and get on with life, easier said than done.
Shopping for one and cooking for one, then eating on your own is soul destroying.
With a blink of an eye she was gone, how can someone so vibrant not exist any more.
Everyday I cry for the loss of her , I cry for the loss of the life I once had, I cry for the all that she has missed.
Because my love for her was so deep, I'm now paying for it in the pain I feel.
This big house has never had anyone living in it other than me and Alison, now it is so empty, even though her memories are still here.
I cry alone almost everyday, I need to release emotion, it would be nice sometimes to cry with someone else.
Everyday I still have disbelief in what has happened and that I will never see Alison again in this life.
Having not had much reason to watch mainstream television before, I now realise how much crap is broadcast.
Waking up each day and realising she is not there any more, rips me apart inside.
Sometimes I feel she is near, other times not at all, everyday I think this is not real.
January the 1st 2011, happy new year, did I ever imagine I would be sitting typing this out.
hello Colin
ReplyDeletei have just read your blog, Keep going my friend - Its tough and difficult i know but keep going, keep the fire of the love you had for Alison.
There are a lot of unanswered questions and our expectations of others dont always match up to their actions. Its a tough lesson to learn i know.
Hi Colin: With you on just about every one of these except I don't feel JS is near, never have done, feel totally alone.
ReplyDeletePlod on. Plod on.
HB from PG xx
Colin - I dont think I've ever posted to you here or on MW's but I have followed your story and know only too well what your pain is like now in the early days of your grief. Its raw, its ugly, its the worse possible pain anyone can ever feel other than a parent loosing a child, I would imagine. I chose to put on a very brave face very early on, for one, to protect those that loved me - I could clearly see the pain in their eyes because of their worry for my wellbeing, secondly, because I didnt want one more person to tell me to move on, or that it was time to get over it, I simply wanted to greive in private, to feel all of the pain on my own.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, to cut 3 years down to less than the book I could write about this journey, at eight months in I met up with an old friend of ours who swept me off my feet in more ways than one! Most importantly, he listened, he held me, he cried with me, we reminised, he simply allowed me to carry on greiving and does to this day as yes, I am still greiving, even though I have, in a sense moved on, or maybe moved forward is a better way of putting it. Honestly, I never expected to be in another relationship, far less, so early on - irony is that some of the same people who thought I should "get over it" were now very shocked that I could take up with another man so soon!! Cant win with some!
Where I am today is somewhere that is very different from my old life. My old life and love I still greive for everyday but this new is a life where I also have found laughter, light and love again.
I can nor will I ever forget my Davey and some days are still very painful and I cry, mostly in my car (his car) and I bang the stearing wheel and I shout at him. still somewhat angry that he left me. Yes, I'm still healing and I think sometimes that I will be healing and greiving for the rest of my days but in the meantime I have a life again, it doesnt hurt quite so much anymore and most of all I have found peace! Inner peace and peace with my new partner who I believe was sent to me by my angel, my Davey!!
So, Colin, I know you cannot imagine it now but it can happen. You can find happiness again. We all need to at least try so our angels can smile again once they see us smiling too cause, you see, I cannot bring myself to believe that the connection we have here on earth suddenly ends with death.
I wish you peace tonight and peace going forward!
Lornz
Lornz,
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for that message. That last paragraph is so true.
hugs
Colin
xx