Wednesday, 14 September 2011
This coming Thursday it will be twenty weeks without my angel, yet my mind still can't fully comprehend what has happened or comprehend that my life has changed for ever.
My mind has been through so much in those twenty weeks, so many questions with no answers, why her? why now? if only she had left a few minutes later or earlier.
Did she suffer? could she have been saved? where is she now? is there life after? How am I going to get through the rest of my life without her? It is all so wrong that she is not here.
As I have said before, she is never out of my thoughts, my life was built around her and for her, I still have my life, but it is a shell with just a broken structure inside holding it up and I feel constantly fragile in that sometimes, the smallest thing will send me into tears.
Everyday my mind is looking for her as if it will not let go until it finds her, I still worry about her! I still ache for her, all seems so impossible that she is no longer here. Her memories are all around me, her unopened bottle of lucozade in the fridge, her trainers still by the patio doors, her work jumper hanging in the cloakroom, her gym bag, never to be used again. The airing cupboard is full of clean clothes never to be worn. As for at the top of the house, all her computers and equipment, but I wouldn't want it any other way! With all her belongings around me I feel closer to her.
I have been told that I do need to let go and that letting go doesn't mean I will forget her 'how could I forget her!'. I really dislike that term, but I know if I am to move on, then eventually I will have to, but that is another term I dislike 'move on' move on where? I guess just keep going forward and see where it takes me. But then that is what this journey of grief is all about, you don't know where it will take you, you just ride with it day by day. Everyone else has moved on, I'm stood still, I have lost my future.When she was alive my mind was active in planning the future, now it's stagnant as it never thinks more than a day ahead.
My mind is broken and needs to mend, I can do nothing but let it heal in it's own good time, I have looked deep inside myself over the weeks to keep going. I think it proves 'to me anyway' that the mind and your brain are really two separate things, therefore your mind is actually your spirit and spirits supposedly live on and I really hope Alison's spirit is alive and kicking on the other side.
I love these words from a Bruce Springsteen song 'If I should fall behind'