Thursday, 16 August 2012
You may have noticed I have deleted the post called 'My Last Post' at the time of writing it, I thought it was the right thing to do, I was wrong, I need this blog to write down my emotions rather than bottle them up. Within a couple of days of posting it, I realised my mistake, it was like cutting my right arm off.
I think also I was fretting that I had not posted for a while as I had nothing new to tell, so the fretting was becoming a burden.
But it is stupid thinking like that, as though I had written a best seller and needed to come up with another best seller.
You know and I know, that's not what this blog is about, as I have just said, to not write down my emotions, means they will just build up inside me, not good!
So I will carry on writing and posting as and when I need to.
So here are a few notes on my feelings, to get the ball rolling again.
I'm now in my sixteenth month without Alison and miss her so much more intensely now, than early on in my grief journey. People say to me 'You have the memories to cherish', yes I do but they tear me apart at times, early on I could watch her videos and look at her pictures, now I can't, I want to hear her voice, I can do, by watching the videos, but I know what the result will be.
I said in the deleted post, the landscape around me is the same, except the one person who made my landscape what it was is no longer in it, therefore I now live in a constant surreal landscape. Can it ever get better, I don't know, will I ever wake up in the morning and say 'brilliant another day' like I used to, instead of now saying 'here we go again, another day to get through'.
That last quote probably makes me sound a right misery, I'm not really, I'm certainly not as happy as I once was, how can I be, but I don't mope around in self pity. To the outside world I'm getting along just fine, in truth I'm really just coping, no one can see the constant mental pain I feel, wanting Alison back but knowing I can't, going up to her study and seeing the urn that contains all that's left of her, being surrounded by all her stuff, all her laptops, numerous computer screens and electronic programming equipment, all shut down and now unused, time stood still, now just memories of the past.
Her clothes still in the airing cupboard, in her wardrobe, all part of her, I can't let go of them! Eventually I will sort her space at the top of the house, pack away all her equipment, when I don't know, I want to sort it, but I have to wait for a strong frame of mind or a spur of the moment decision.
I have said before that Alison was such a massive part of my life, I adored her , I still do and always will, she is still a massive part of my life even in death.
At almost sixteen months I still take things day by day, I still have the occasional meltdowns and panic attacks, they are intense but don't last as long, the walls of the grief pit are not as steep as they once were, if I fall in it doesn't take so long to climb out. Each morning I wake up, I don't know how I'm going to be until a couple of hours into the day, for when I sleep it is escape from the constant missing her,
Then there are the occasional tears, a little more frequent, just quiet moments of memories can bring them on, usually in the evenings, the time of the day I feel more alone.
My mind still cannot get used to her not being here, not existing physically any more, that is just about the hardest thing to accept, just doesn't seem real or possible. I still light candles in front of her photos every evening, still have fresh flowers in the house, she would think it mad that I still do this, I talk to her during the day and before I go to sleep, I hope she hears me, although I don't feel her presence as much now, more on that in my next post.