A couple of weeks ago I had not been well, the first illness I have had since Alison's loss. I felt as if all the strength I have shown over the last eight and a half months, had suddenly been sapped from my body both physically and mentally. Of course not feeling well doesn't help with emotions, I withdrew into my inner self and suddenly the pin prick of light at the end of the tunnel seemed even further away, not that it was very close in the first place. I felt more lost and alone now than ever.
Sunday 22nd, was one one of my darkest days since losing Alison, I have had many dark days but this day was just a black hole of despair and loss. I hadn't slept well and from the moment of waking up, going downstairs to make my morning coffee, the crying started, I cried on and off all day, I felt pathetic, I felt broken, I felt lost, also the crying was different , it was coming from deep inside me and it hurt.
I miss her more now than ever, every minute of the day I miss her, this is not right she should be here, that's what my mind keeps telling me, I am so struggling to live without her, but no one sees it. She is no longer here but she is still the center of my every thought and emotion, which is why I still cry so much. The future scares me, I had never planned to be alone at my age, Alison was for life, facing the future with out her, is no future, it will be just as it is now an existence.
I know she would hate me feeling like this, she would hate to think I'm not getting on with life and enjoying myself, but I really cant help feeling like I do and as for enjoying myself, well that at the moment almost seems like betrayal and that is something I know I have to overcome at some point. Then again how can I really enjoy life again, you need someone to share your life with to fully enjoy it, I had that, now I haven't.
She was so much part of me, of who I was, when she came into my life she changed my life into something so special, so special all the love I have put into words throughout this blog, is just the tip of the iceberg as to what I felt for her, she was without doubt the greatest person I ever knew and am so proud she chose me to be part of my life.
Once feeling better the dark cloud that hung over me lifted and for some reason I started to see things in a different light. It is now nine months since my loss, I seem to be slowly accepting what has happened and how much my life has changed. The life before is gone for good, as hard as it is, I have to start accepting that, but my love for her remains and that is all I have of her until the day we meet again.
Will we meet again?
Well I have two choices of belief, that there is absolutely nothing after we die or that we live on in spirit in an afterlife. I will go with the latter, I have done endless research on afterlife and from what I have seen and read, there is far more proof that there is life after than proof that there isn't.
I have recently bought a book titled 'The survival of the soul' by Lisa Williams. It has given me much needed acceptance of her passing and belief that I will be with Alison again when my time comes.
A note, if you are very early in grief, then give it a good few months before reading this book, it will then make much more sense to you. Also read it with an open mind.
The book explains in detail, step by step of what happens when we die and the journey we take in the the afterlife.
There is a chapter on finding your soul mate and that some never do, but if you do it is often much later in life and often after several relationships first. It describes the sort of love and understanding two soul mates have and how it differs from a normal relationship, it described me and Alison perfectly! There is a chapter on why our loved ones cannot always visit us and show themselves, hence only subtle signs are ever received, usually within the first ninety days of passing, this is true of the signs I received, they were all very early on after her passing. After ninety days or so the spirit passes over to the next level in afterlife and will only visit again occasionally.
This book has helped me understand where she is now and that it is an amazing place according to what I have read, not just in this book, but during other research. I could not of imagined a year ago that I would be reading books like this or indeed writing this blog, but I am and this is reality, I need to understand in order to move forward.
This book has helped me understand where she is now and that it is an amazing place according to what I have read, not just in this book, but during other research. I could not of imagined a year ago that I would be reading books like this or indeed writing this blog, but I am and this is reality, I need to understand in order to move forward.
