She was so beautiful and I will love her for ever.

Friday, 29 July 2011

Bringing her home

The day arrived to pick up Alison's ashes, also some locks of her hair that I requested. I was not at all apprehensive about collecting the ashes, after all I was bringing her home.
So into the funeral service reception we went, I had my son with me and Alison's mum. On opening the door , in front of me on the desk was the casket I had chosen, a multicolour geometric design one, almost Egyptian in shape.
It then hit me, again reality punches you in the face. I held it together though, picked up the casket and we went back to the car.
Once in the car I just lost it big time, how can someone so vibrant and beautiful end up like this.

We had decided, as it was a sunny day, to go to some parkland that Alison loved and have a little picnic and we would have Alison with us on the picnic bench, a bit surreal, but Aly would have loved us doing that. We parked up and realised I had not got a bag of any sort to carry the casket across to the picnic area, the casket being quite big and obvious.
Her mum said I have a bag and produced a Sainsburys carrier bag, I'm not carrying my baby across the park in that I said with sad humour. I rummaged about in the boot of the car and found a bag-a Jessops bag, well it was more fitting as Aly loved photography.

So we had our picnic with Aly in the middle of the table in a Jessops bag, it was unreal in so many ways.

So finally home, I carried Alison through the same gate that three weeks earlier she had ridden out of. How could this be possible, I just broke down in tears as soon as I got in the house and hugged the casket tightly.

I didn't realise it at the time, but this now was the real start of my journey of grief, never ever would I see her physical form again, here was the proof right in front of me.
On a lighter note, I di not realise that the ashes would be sealed in a polythene bag inside the casket. I knew  I would want her out of that bag as soon as possible. I left it a couple of days, then late one evening one of her young friends called round to see the ashes out of respect, she and Aly were always out together and were close . 
So we sat there drinking wine and I asked her, would you mind help me transfer the ashes from the polythene bag? she agreed, so we spread a clean white sheet on the floor, put the casket in the middle and began. But because of the shape of the casket-narrower at the top-there was no way of pulling this bag out, it was packed in so tight, we looked at each other and both said at the same time, what would Aly do? with that, I went and got three of Alison's pastry bowls. We then cut the bag and poured all the ashes into each of the bowls, then carefully poured all the ashes back into the casket, job done.
We both said Alison would be pissing herself laughing if she was looking down, as I'm sure she was.