Thursday, 29 September 2011
Over the last few days I seem to have entered a new phase of this journey, certainly hitting the five month mark has had a lot to do with it. I have felt more lost in life and ever more lonely. I want to be the Colin before, not the Colin I am now, the scariest thing is that who I am now is here to stay, I will never be the person I was before. I'm having panic attacks again when I wake up.
Alison gave me stability, confidence, respect, happiness, a reason for being and most of all love. In return I gave her the same, we were one, now I'm half of that.
So at this point I am scared, scared of the future without her, I don't do the alone lifestyle, I need someone in my life and I had that, she was so special in so many ways, that there will never be another someone. So I'm stuck with being alone, dragged along by time.
Most of the last few months/weeks have been a blur of just getting through each day, it now seems reality has now kicked in big time. I have read that the five and six month marks are the worst. I think several family members and friends are really surprised how I'm still feeling, most think I should have got over it by now, little do they know! If they read this blog they may understand, but they don't read it, probably because they would find it too sad, well writing it is a whole lot harder than reading it!
My posts from the early weeks, mentioned things that happened in the way of signs that maybe Alison was around. But now over the last month or so all signs have stopped, I don't feel as if she is around any more which amplifies the feeling of loneliness.
So where the signs all in my mind, were those early signs nothing but my mind playing tricks, are the signs no longer arriving because my mind is slowly realising this is real and how it's going to be for the rest of my days. I don't want to not believe the signs were from Alison, I still believe they were, besides I was not the only person to get them. I still talk to her, I still light candles every evening, I still have fresh flowers in the house at all times and still refresh the flowers at the crash site every Thursday at 6.15pm and talk to her.
As I have said before, she would hate me feeling like this, hate seeing me cry painfully, but I really cannot help the way I feel. I feel I have lost her even more as time as gone on, if I am to believe in after life and believe all the things I have read, then at this point she would have moved on in the astral world, maybe the reason the signs have stopped for now.
The saying 'you have to let go' has cropped up again. How can I let go, the only real way of doing that is to forget her, put her out of my mind.
She is embedded in my mind and soul, even in death she is still part of me, even though that part of me is mortally wounded.
So I cant and won't let go, but when I have talked to her before going to sleep I have said many times, I will be ok and if you have to or need to move on do so. So maybe she has and that is why I am feeling this loneliness and disconnection now. I still ask her for a sign though !
There is a website I visit that has a Q&A page on all things about after life, the answers are given by a non religious medium, for some reason I trust these answers, here is one I really like.
The Dead Speak
Your loved ones do not die. They go on. They are with you even when you can’t see, hear or feel them. It takes a great deal of energy to reach back to our density and try to show you that they are still here. Meet them halfway by raising your vibration. This is why they often come during dreams when you are vibrating at a higher frequency. Don’t discount it as fantasy when you have a dream that your deceased loved one is sitting by your bed talking to you and reassuring you that they are okay on the other side. If there is one thing they want us to know it’s that death is only the beginning of a journey, a shedding of the physical shell, a transformation. Do not be afraid for them. Remember them because it connects you both. Talk to them, because they do hear you. Send them your love because they do feel it. The dead do speak. Are you listening?