Monday, 5 September 2011
A brighter post from the one posted yesterday, Alison's sunflowers are now in bloom, two are fully out. She loved sunflowers and we had a big crop of them in the bottom corner of the garden last year. However as she had planned to build a shed for her bike where the sunflowers were, it left no room in the garden this year for them.
But unknown to me she had collected all the seeds and planted a hand full of them along a narrow stretch of gravel next to the fence.
A week or two after she was taken from me, I was pulling up what I thought were weeds along this strip of gravel, until I realised that they were in fact sunflowers. But anyway here they are a lovely present and surprise for me. There now will always be sunflowers in the garden for her and of course next summer a big show of them at the site of her accident, as I will plant and scatter seeds there.
Weekends are a struggle, even Friday evening is. How I used to look forward to the weekends, now I dread them.
Saturday was ok-ish, but today Sunday with rubbish weather, and having not seen or spoken to anyone all day, I have been really down. Sure I could have phoned someone, arranged to go and see someone, but it's not the answer, instead it would be nice to get a phone call, rather than making one, it would be nice to have an invite to do something with someone, rather than setting up something with someone.
But no Colin is ok, he always has a smile, he's getting on with things. I look like crap, but people say your looking well and life must be getting easier.
How wrong can they be, they see the outside, they don't see my inside constantly churning with sorrow, sorrow for Alison and all that she has lost, sorrow for myself for the perfect life I no longer have. I still get scared of the future, but I put on a brave face, I don't cry in front of friends, but I cry a lot, believe me.
Sorry for the rant, but this has just been a crap bloody Sunday, a Sunday that would have been fun if Alison was still here. I just ache for her as I finish typing this and go to bed, another day tomorrow, maybe it will be better, who knows, maybe I will even get to use my voice tomorrow!!