Monday, 28 November 2011
Today I am at exactly seven months into this journey. I still find it unbelievable that Alison is not here, waking up every morning to an empty house is so hard.
I was warned about the start of the six month point of grief as being the hardest period. Early on in this journey I hoped those warnings where not true, as at the time I figured nothing can get any worse than how I was feeling having just lost the girl I valued more than life itself.
Since hitting that six month point, at times I have been in virtual meltdown, I have been deeper in the pit of grief than I thought possible, even dark thoughts have manifested themselves again, but they are just thoughts thankfully, Alison would not want me to do anything stupid, but you get these feelings that you just want to be with her and that you don't want to be here any more. The physical distance from her grows as life travels on, I have no control over that and it still scares me, where the last seven months have gone I don't know, it still feels like I lost her only a week or so ago. Memories are now seeping back, things I couldn't remember in those early weeks, just little things I now remember can set me off crying.
But surely at seven months I should be ok, well over the worst, moving on, letting go, well that's what a few family members think and have said recently, 'come on you have to get over it and cheer up', get on with life, they say. Alison would not want you grieving, she would want you to be happy.
Oh! if only it was that easy, do they think I want to be feeling like this and sure I know Alison would not want to see me like this, but the early weeks progressing with out her and thinking she would be proud of me for coping are long gone. They were weeks of functioning on auto pilot in a surreal world, what I'm going through now is 'real time' grief, unmasked by numbness and shock.
I'm told I should now give more time to my family, more time to my two new grandsons, get out more and enjoy life.
I really don't want to do happy families. Why should they expect more of me now than when Alison was alive, why criticise the way I am handling my grief, I doubt, that one side of my family has even read this blog or even looked at any websites associated with Alison's memory, if they did, they may have a better understanding. These comments came about because I missed a family gathering, I just didn't feel up to it having had a really bad day the day before
Everything has changed, as I have said many times my life as I knew it stopped on the 28th of April,, I have now got to adapt to this life/existence and it is going to take time, a long time.
I have been told by counsellors and many people I know online going through the same, that it can take years to find some sort of peace and understanding and the fact that I have trauma associated with the grief makes it harder.
I am fragile and it doesn't take much to make me a total wreck, sobbing my heart out on the floor, yes even at seven months! I still cry everyday at some point.
Yes I'm in a bubble, once in awhile I step out of that bubble, but go back in as it is my comfort zone for the time being. Those on the outside see seven months as a long time, on the inside it is a very short time. I'm not always miserable or depressed, just totally heartbroken and sad, not a minute goes by without her in my thoughts and missing her so badly, but I do smile and laugh sometimes.
She was such a massive part of my life, more massive than even she realised. She was fun, she was full of life, she was unique, she made me feel complete, she made me feel proud, she made me feel important, she gave me confidence, she gave me purpose, I had someone I could love and care for, worry about, make happy and most importantly share my life with, all those things have gone for good, I only have my memories left and that's not enough, which is why I will always ache for her physical presence and knowing that I will never have that physical presence, just compounds my pain.
She always said she only wished one thing should she die, that is to be remembered and not forgotten by all who knew her, well I am making sure she is getting her wish and will do so until my last day.