She was so beautiful and I will love her for ever.

Monday, 28 November 2011

Seven months on.

Today I am at exactly seven months into this journey. I still find it unbelievable that Alison is not here, waking up every morning to an empty house is so hard.

I was warned about the start of the six month point of grief as being the hardest period. Early on in this journey I hoped those warnings where not true, as at the time I figured nothing can get any worse than how I was feeling having just lost the girl I valued more than life itself.

Since hitting that six month point, at times I have been in virtual meltdown, I have been deeper in the pit of grief than I thought possible, even dark thoughts have manifested themselves again, but they are just thoughts thankfully, Alison would not want me to do anything stupid, but you get these feelings that you just want to be with her and that you don't want to be here any more. The physical distance from her grows as life travels on, I have no control over that and it still scares me, where the last seven months have gone I don't know, it still feels like I lost her only a week or so ago. Memories are now seeping back, things I couldn't remember in those early weeks, just little things I now remember can set me off crying.

But surely at seven months I should be ok, well over the worst, moving on, letting go, well that's what a few family members think and have said recently, 'come on you have to get over it and cheer up', get on with life, they say. Alison would not want you grieving, she would want you to be happy.
Oh! if only it was that easy, do they think I want to be feeling like this and sure I know Alison would not want to see me like this, but the early weeks progressing with out her and thinking she would be proud of me for coping are long gone. They were weeks of functioning on auto pilot in a surreal world, what I'm going through now is 'real time' grief, unmasked by numbness and shock.
I'm told I should now give more time to my family, more time to my two new grandsons, get out more and enjoy life.
I really don't want to do happy families. Why should they expect more of me now than when Alison was alive, why criticise the way I am handling my grief, I doubt, that one side of my family has even read this blog or even looked at any websites associated with Alison's memory, if they did, they may have a better understanding. These comments came about because I missed a family gathering, I just didn't feel up to it having had a really bad day the day before

Everything has changed, as I have said many times my life as I knew it stopped on the 28th of April,, I have now got to adapt to this life/existence and it is going to take time, a long time.
I have been told by counsellors and many people I know online going through the same, that it can take years to find some sort of peace and understanding and the fact that I have trauma associated with the grief makes it harder.
I am fragile and it doesn't take much to make me a total wreck, sobbing my heart out on the floor, yes even at seven months! I still cry everyday at some point.
Yes I'm in a bubble, once in awhile I step out of that bubble, but go back in as it is my comfort zone for the time being. Those on the outside see seven months as a long time, on the inside it is a very short time. I'm not always miserable or depressed, just totally heartbroken and sad, not a minute goes by without her in my thoughts and missing her so badly, but I do smile and laugh sometimes.

She was such a massive part of my life, more massive than even she realised. She was fun, she was full of life, she was unique, she made me feel complete, she made me feel proud, she made me feel important, she gave me confidence, she gave me purpose, I had someone I could love and care for, worry about, make happy and most importantly share my life with, all those things have gone for good, I only have my memories left and that's not enough, which is why I will always ache for her physical presence and knowing that I will never have that physical presence, just compounds my pain.

She always said she only wished one thing should she die, that is to be remembered and not forgotten by all who knew her, well I am making sure she is getting her wish and will do so until my last day.


  1. Your second to last paragraph is exactly how I feel about my late partner Sim, lost 5/9/09 he was such a huge character and massive part of my life, I physically ache for him. I wish I could say it gets better but it hasn't for me but everybody is different. I lost my mum last year which has made it harder plus Ive been depressive headcase for years! Anyway my heart goes out to you Helen

  2. Anyway I have made a friend request on your remembrance facebook page for Alison if you feel messaging someone else who has lost truly the love of their life, might help you in anyway, Helen.

  3. Stumbled across your website today... anyway - have just read this post and wanted to send some love and light your way. xxx

  4. I lost my mum 10 years ago and although it she wasnt my life partner she was my best friend. I still hurt daily and although life has carried on and i've managed to rejoin the human race i will always miss her and feel guilty for laughing and smiling at times. I dont know the loss of the love of my life but i feel for you and the pain you are going through since reading your blogs. 7 months at times can feel like forever and at other times feels like only yesterday. Alison was a special person and you will always feel the loss of her physical presence but will get better at hiding it from the real world. You are entitled to feel grief, hurt, anger, upset and all the other emotions for as long as you feel them. That is your rite, and a testimony of the love and life you two shared. She was a special Lady and will always be remembered and missed by all who knew her. your site is so full of feeling and love. Keep going on Colin, my thoughts are with you xxxx

  5. Colin, I too lost the love of my life, Nigel, in a motorcycle accident on 13th November 2010. Just over a year later and I am not 'moving on' 'getting over it' or even close to accepting that he is never coming home, despite what family think i should be doing. We will find our own path through this horrendous journey and will travel at a speed we are comfortable with. Wrong word really will never feel 'comfortable' again. Thinking of you and understanding everything you feel. caroline x