Monday, 3 October 2011
The amazing weather we have had in the last week should have cheered me up somewhat, but have been at the bottom of the grief chasm several times, have clawed myself upwards only to slip back again. With more clarity of mind it is as if I lost Alison only a week or so ago, it makes me realise how numb the mind actually is in the first few months and that you just get through on autopilot, most of the time in a trance.
But now with clarity I am remembering all the things that made our life so special. I feel I am now entering a new phase of the grief journey, In clarity I cry (sob) for what happened, her loss, the loss of my life as it was before, all the things she has missed out on, also that this is bloody real and that I am never ever going to see her again for the rest of my life. My life now is so lonely, I have no one to share things with, no one to give love to, no one to talk to, in the way only like couples do.
Yesterday (Sunday) there was a big motorcycle show just outside Ipswich, with the weather as it was, Alison would have gone to the show along with the neighbours next door, who with Alison's encouragement got into biking
shortly after Alison got her Honda 600CBR. She was often moaning that she had no one to go riding with, as at the time the neighbours 125cc could not keep up with a big 600cc.
Well just last week they took delivery of a new Honda 600CBR, exactly the same as Alison's, she would have been so excited, not only that some other friends had just bought new 600's also. So now I see them all go off together for rides and feel so sad and upset that Alison is not with them.
So back to the show, now I'm not really into bikes, yes I watch the racing on TV, but that's about it, anyway the neighbours decided to go up to the show in the car instead of on the bike and asked if I would like to go. Having lost her life on one, bikes and biking are not my choice of an afternoon out, instant reaction was to say no, but then I thought yes I will go, I will go for Alison and if she is beside me some of the time, then she will have been with me at the show, I really hope she was.
It was emotionally hard being there, but glad that I did go.
This coming Thursday, I have an appointment with the consultant who dealt with Alison on that fateful evening, it is certainly going to be tough hearing what he has to say and will knock me back down into the chasm again I'm sure, but I need to know she did not suffer.