Friday, 4 November 2011
So where now?
As mentioned in my last post the first six months of my grief have been mixed with the legal formalities that follow the death of a loved one and even more with the loss through a road traffic accident. The inquest is the last of those legal formalities.
So again as I mentioned in the last post I'm in sort of limbo at the moment, I know the direction I need to be going now and that is forward and that does not mean move on or let go, two terminologies that I hate. Going forward and not thinking back too often about the accident is what I have to do, not easy, but I cannot change anything that has happened, the brutal truth is that I have lost her physically from my life, by nothing more than tragic bad luck and a sequence of events that where in perfect line.
I know the only way forward is the future and that is now, at the moment on my mind, time stands still for no one. The future scares me because Alison will never be forgotten by me, but she will be further away from me physically through time. It is as if I always want to be where I am now in grief as hard as it is, I want the scar and also want the scar to be forever visible. Yet I am saying all this and I am still in the early stages of grieving and the advice is not to think too far ahead, but you cant help but think about it.
With the worry of the inquest now behind me, my mind is clear to focus on the nicer memories, that in itself brings a whole new phase to this grieving malarkey, I still cannot look easily at photos and video of Alison taken more than four years ago and going back to the first time we met, I will be able too gradually in time, but at the moment if I choose to look at them the floodgates just open. In the 8 short years together, we achieved so much, we had a bonding that most couples never discover, I was devoted to her more than she ever realised, I still am and I really cannot see that changing.
Now that the inquest is done and dusted, I can now disclose that she was very stressed on the day she lost her life.
Alison was easily stressed out and very sensitive to any form of negativity in her friendships, often she would take things the wrong way and often the negativity she felt was unfounded or never there.
Anyway late afternoon she decided to go out on the bike to chill out, she was really wound up and really snappy , she asked me if I had any change as she needed petrol for the bike, I gave her all the loose change I had, five one pound coins. Handing the five pounds to her I said the last words I ever spoke to her, ' Alison don't go out on the bike, your too stressed out, you will kill yourself !' less than 20 minutes later she was dead!
It is on record that she was stressed and that it may have impaired her judgement in dealing with the unsettling of the bike prior to the bike losing grip.I will never know for certain what happened in those last moments of her life, only one person knows and that is Alison.