She was so beautiful and I will love her for ever.

Thursday, 28 July 2011

No it's not a dream, this is real.

In the two weeks since Alison was taken, life was just an emotional blur, still in shock, still numb, still not believing this has happened.
I had my eldest son from my previous marriage stay with me those two weeks, I could not face being in the house on my own.
Had visitors most days, the phone never stopped ringing, things had to be organized, people and companies had to be notified. I was just on autopilot in between the tears.
I read everything I could on grief, books, the internet, clutching at anything to help me.

The shock and numbness seemed to have erased my memory, I couldn't here her voice in my mind, I couldn't even visualise her. I had one photo of her taken some years back, that I eventually could look at without tears.

I was invited out by her friends on several occasions, I went, but it just didn't feel right, it should have been Aly going out with her friends

My sleep pattern changed instantly, in normal life I could sleep a good eight hours, in those early days it halved, whatever time I went to sleep, I would wake at 5am almost on the dot—what was that all about? I hated the waking up, always in a cold sweat and a knot in my stomach and the feeling of panic, then the reality! no it's not a dream, this is real !
I start another day in a foreign land, where I can't speak the language and I don't want to be. How can I continue, Alison was my everything, without her what the hell is the point.


As is the tradition of road traffic accidents, flowers are left at the place of the accident. This photograph was taken just a couple of days after Alison's accident. The amount of flowers doubled and to this day 15 weeks on the flowers are still there, although obviously dead. Some of the condolence messages are still readable.
I have since the day she died, had fresh flowers in the house for her. A day or two before they need to be replaced, I pick out the best that are left and take them along to the crash site and add them to the railings.
During the early days I could not go near the crash site, the only time I did was at 5.30 am two days after the accident, I then went back later that day to lay my flowers. It is only just a five minute walk from the house.

I was told by friends who went to lay flowers, that they saw motorcyclists ride by and bow there heads in respect as they went past, that is so touching.