Wednesday, 26 October 2011
On the 28th October, It will be six months since Alison's passing, half a year ! A whole spring and summer gone without her. So where am I now? Well have not posted on here for a while, so much has happened in the time since my last posting, some things have moved me forward other things have knocked me back. To think she has missed out on all the things she had planned makes me really sad.
A sort of pattern to this life of no choice is emerging, it is still a struggle getting up in the mornings, but then I'm up until the early hours anyway. Unlike before when life was with Alison, we used to wake and doze together, now as soon as awake, I have to get up straight away, if not I start remembering those lovely mornings waking with her and that just makes me an emotional wreck before even having my first coffee.
I can still only do things day by day, unlike before, I tend not to commit myself to anything in advance other than work. Beyond doubt the last six months have been the saddest and hardest of my entire life, I know that the next six will probably not be much easier, but I try my hardest to be strong for Alison, not an easy task!
I received the accident report from the police last Saturday morning, it is forty pages long, they did do a thorough investigation of the cause, but the final conclusion is that it was just a tragic accident with no one to blame. Witness statements say that Alison was riding as would be expected of an experienced rider, she was doing no more than 30mph when she reached the bend, it seems just before the bend the back wheel twitched, I personally think she went over one of the badly sunken manhole covers in the road prior the reaching the bend and this unsettled the bike, but anyway
on turning into the bend, the wheels slipped from under her and from then she and the bike slid into the path of the fire engine coming in the opposite direction. Cold tires and damp white line markings could have been a factor in the loss of grip.
The accident report is hard reading and truthfully it has set me back, but I needed to know what happened. As you know I go to the crash site every Thursday, when walking there I often see bikers passing me and going through the bend often at a far higher speed, certainly above the speed limit for that stretch of road and yet Alison lost grip at low speed, the only person who really knows what happened moments before impact is sadly Alison. To know that the girl I loved and protected died so violently is heartbreaking, but thankfully I'm told by experts that she would not have felt any pain such is the bodies mechanism to shut down instantly with serious trauma. The driver of the fire engine estimated that the time from him seeing the bike and Alison hit the road and impact on the front of the engine was just 1.5 seconds. The fire engine was almost stopped when she hit the front, had it been able to stop just a few yards from where it came to a halt, she would have missed it and got away with just minor injuries if any, but that is going into the realms of 'what if' again.
I have the option of having her riding leathers, boots and helmet back from the police, I was asked if I wanted them back very soon after the accident, but in numbness and shock I said no, I have since learnt that the police still have them, so I have said yes to having them back. Fully realising the state they are in, they are going to be very hard to look at, but then so was the accident report. She loved her black leathers and helmet as much as her bike, they were part of her and obviously the last thing she was wearing on this earth, so I will grit my teeth and have them back and will no doubt cry my heart out while holding them, they belong back here!
So the next big milestone after the six month one is the anniversary of her passing, I will be dragged along by life regardless and I hope it will get easier, the hole in my life will never be filled, I miss her every moment of the day. After six months, do I still believe she is looking down, that her spirit lives on in after life, well to be truthfully honest I'm still not convinced, I was hoping that the accident report would confirm a couple of things I was told, supposedly by Alison in the impromptu reading I had several months ago, the message indicated that she rolled along the road, she didn't, the message referred to front end damage to the bike, wrong, the whole bike was wrecked.
So I really don't know what to believe. I still think of her as on the other side, in the physical form that she was here, I think all that have lost a loved one think the same, but I know that cannot be as the reality is in her urn up in her study. But I hope there is something after death and I hope it is wonderful and special, otherwise I have been talking to myself all these last months.
I talk to her everyday, I still cry for her everyday, I very rarely cried, but I have cried everyday for the last six months and I can't see that changing for a good while yet, such was the love I felt for her and the loneliness I feel without her.