Is she around?

Life is very surreal at the moment, it is the only way I can describe it. Life is normal in the sense that I'm working and doing most things I would be doing if Alison was here, but then at the same time it's not normal, it never will be normal any more, the emptiness will never go. I constantly have her in my thoughts, I still have tears everyday at some point, usually in the evening, actually more than tears, it is uncontrolled sobbing, it does make me feel pathetic, but that's how much I miss her and sobbing is the release valve.

As mentioned in the previous post lot's of memories are flooding back now my mind is no longer numb, the missing her is much more intense.

I'm surrounded by her things, the top floor of the house is still as she left it, a couple of pairs of her shoes are still by the patio doors, her coats still hang in the downstairs closet and if I open her wardrobe – well complete breakdown – but that's how I want it, I need her things close to me. The top floor of the house is a shrine to her, it was her space, where she worked and played, it is still her space if she is around sometimes and wants to use it.

That last comment brings me to the main subject of this post, is she around? I have no hard evidence that she is or has been, just things that could be put down to coincidence (see earlier posts), but just lately I have had two instances of briefly smelling the fabric conditioner that she used to use, I haven't used any since she was taken from me !