Thursday, 22 September 2011
Before and Beyond
I was going to title this post 'Distance' but having started it and having new thoughts I think the above title is more appropriate.
Before Alison bounced into my life and she really did bounce into my life, love at first sight was something I never believed in. But that first night we met it was something special, as it turned out it was something extra special.
I had been single for awhile before we met and was having great fun, doing what I wanted, when I wanted, I certainly wasn't lonely and had no intentions of starting another relationship or indeed seeking one. I was on a few casual dating sites, but purely for casual connections.
Then out of the blue an email arrived from Alison and we arranged a meet at mine, again nothing serious. Well the rest is history, we both fell in love.
I now tend to not think of my life before Alison, it actually makes me feel sad, as I look upon it as lost years, that had we met before, we would have had longer together. But as we know life is not like that, maybe a thing called destiny does play a part and you only meet when the time is right for your paths to cross.
I have hundred and hundreds of photos of Alison from our early years together, I am not strong enough yet to look at them, if I do the flood gates open, so at the present I'm restricting my memories to the last couple of years only, at least with looking at photo's that is, mind management I guess.
So what about beyond, what lies ahead. As life drags me along, the distance from the night I lost her gets greater, that worries me. Where as the pain I have been feeling up till now now is not pleasant, it is a constant reminder of the love we had and how much I miss her. I don't want this pain to go on, but neither do I want to stop missing her and crying for her. But I know through the nature of things the pain will lessen and may go away eventually, like evolution you adapt to your new environment. I have cried almost everyday since she was taken, but in the last two days I haven't, maybe this is evolution starting to take place.
I have had to go forward, have had to focus on work, for longer periods in the last week, she has been at the back of my mind, rather than the front.
I am adapting to being on my own, I'm not waking up every morning, dreading the day ahead. It is what she would have wanted I know that, but it makes me feel guilty that I'm not crying for her at least once a day. I know exactly what she would be saying 'get a grip'. So I am.
I am aware though, that it is now only 22 weeks to the day, still early weeks in the grieving process. I know I could very easily and will slip back into periods of despair. I have the appointment early next month, with the consultant who dealt with Alison that fateful night. That is going to be very hard, but I need closure on that part of the loss.
Then I have the inquest still to come, that may not be until next year, I know for sure that will knock me right back after hearing the details of the crash.
Advice on grieving always says never look to far ahead, I don't, I still do things day by day. But I cant help thinking where am I going to be in say ten years time, if I live another ten years or maybe twenty.
Alison would then be so far away in my distant physical past, I cant comprehend that, but that's how it will be. I will never stop loving her, she will always be part of me. But when I think back 22 weeks, it seems a life time, how will ten years feel.