Trying to do as before.

I am now heading for the five month mark since losing Alison, how I have got this far I do not know, but I have.

In hindsight of my last post, I don't think distance from the loss makes any difference. When I wrote that post I was focused and doing things and was thinking, yeah I will get through this. I should have known that out there on the horizon was a big wave of grief heading my way. It hit me like a freight train this weekend.

I was invited over to see a very close friend in Essex on Saturday, I often went over when Alison was alive. It gave her space to invite friends over or whatever, as we were almost 24/7 together most days, it was important to give her space and of course myself. So I used to stop over so I could drink and arrive back very early on the Sunday morning.

On the Sunday morning,I always stopped off at McDonalds to pick up a breakfast for myself and Alison. She would always be in bed when I arrived back and as soon as I got in, it was upstairs and crawl into bed with her, for some really special cuddles and then eat our breakfast – god how I miss that !

Anyway, on the Friday night I was feeling very anxious as the invite included a stop over if I wanted too, I know Alison would be saying stop over and have a good time, but I just couldn't, it brought back too many memories.

The thought of arriving back to an empty house Sunday morning was something I just could not do.

So I just opted to go over, chill out, have a take way together, watch a dvd 'Pirates of the Caribbean 4' a dvd that Alison was so looking forward to seeing!.

It was strange doing all that, but knowing Alison was not at home doing her thing, like cleaning the bike in the living room! which she often did if I was out of the way.

So I was back home at just before 10pm and all the way home I could feel the emotion and tears building up, as this trip out had so many memories and once in the house which seemed more silent and empty than ever, I just sobbed my heart out for her.

I realise now that all I did before can no longer be done again as it will never be the same. I'm forced into a new life that I neither like or want, but I have no choice in the matter. I really cannot believe, even now at almost five months, that on Thursday 28^th April 2011, I would wake up with Alison and at 6.15pm that evening, she would no longer be with me.

If you have a partner and are reading this blog, cherish every moment of your relationship as the one possession we can never hold onto for ever is life.