She was so beautiful and I will love her for ever.

Thursday, 5 January 2012

Just a number.

Here I am at the start of 2012, a year that Alison has never existed, that statement is heartbreaking! I tell myself it is just a number, that's what I kept telling myself New Years Eve, spent with a friend in Essex. I had decided to escape the party I was invited too next door to me, fearing that come midnight, I would be an emotional wreck and that would just upset people and spoil what is a happy occasion. So the night was spent quietly watching a movie on TV and plenty of food and wine. We watched the countdown on BBC1 and then the fireworks. I promised myself not to cry in front of my friend, I kept too that promise, except for just one small single tear , that fell unnoticed as Big Ben struck midnight.
It was a restless nights sleep that followed, by morning I could feel all the emotion brewed up inside me. Arriving home mid morning to an empty house, was the release valve, within a minute of walking through the door, I just sank to my knees and sobbed and sobbed, with a few wails thrown in for good measure.
Just a number it maybe, but now I have to say that 'Alison died last year', that in itself makes it sound a long time ago.

So 2012 is here, a year that Alison will not be physically part of or the years that follow, how the f---k can that be, all those that have something to offer this world are taken early, for some reason, the brightest stars always burn out first, she was definitely one of the brightest!
This new year stretches out before me, normally I would be excited and happy, as would Alison, we would both have loads to look forward to.Last year she was so looking forward to the warm weather coming, so she could get out on her bike more, not that she didn't ride it during the winter, if it was dry she was out on it, but for obvious reasons warm weather meant more rides and nicer ones. She loved her bike so much and thankfully as we had a warm spring last year, she at least got some good rides in before her life was tragically cut short. She was always eager to get me on the bike with her, I always refused, not because I was scared or didn't trust her riding skills, just that being pillion did not appeal, but I so regret now not ever saying yes, as it would have made her day and you know what, I wish I had been pillion the day she crashed and that we had both died together, I'm serious on that!

How can I be excited and happy, the one person that made my life exciting and happy has gone. It maybe just over eight months ago or last year as it is now, but too me it seems just last week that I lost her, the pain hasn't eased, it is the same just in a different perspective, which in time brings. To be honest I am finding it harder now and as the time goes on, I cry and I cry a lot! in short bursts and more intensely. I'm not just crying for my loss as great as it is, but also Alison's loss in all the things she would have done over the past months and all the things she wanted to do in the months and years to follow. I have emptiness in my life, that I have never had or experienced before and know that it will always be there, as it can never be filled.

I keep asking myself and often say out loud, 'how can she be dead', all these months on and my mind just cannot accept that she is dead-what a horrible word, but it is fact, yet I can't accept it. I know she is never coming back, yet my mind thinks she is still as she was in physical form but in another place that is beyond vision or communication, I think my mind is expecting a miracle and that one day she will walk through the door-how I wish.
But deep down I know our life together has ended, a life together when I look back I took for granted, as we all do, there was always a lifetime to do all the things you wanted to do together, that's how it should be, but for some of us there are different plans, way beyond our control and Alison's time ran out long before it should have done, bless her.

So how do I get over this grief ? Reading about grief, the answer is to let go, easier said than done, how can I let go, I still love her, if I let go I can move forward and if the existence of afterlife is true, if I let go, she can move forward too (more on that in my next post). But I'm moving forward anyway with out letting go, for time drags me along regardless.
I can't help but think of her continuously, I'm surrounded by all her things and her life as it was, it is the only way I can still have her.

I don't know where 2012 will take me, maybe the anniversary of her passing at the end of April will be a turning point and my mind will click into a happier place, I know I will never ever be as happy and content as I was when Aly was alive, it really was a life so perfect, we had ups and downs like all couples, but we had a bond so strong, which is why I'm feeling so much pain and loss. The loneliness without her will never go!


  1. Hello Colin, found your blog tonight and read from Sept the page my search found. You have put into words the way I have felt these past 9.5 months since i lost my soul mate on 15th March 2011. With the approach of the first anniversary ontop of losing my mum and best friend last October my progress has taken a knock back so I was looking for 'something' to guide me through it all. Just wanted to say hang in there you will get your 20% proof one day. From the very first day I have felt her spirit and recieved many signs all special and personal to me but the final proof was witnessed by four others so no room for doubt. Love never dies, God Bless.

  2. Thank you so much for commenting, please get in contact with me through face book or Email.Would love to know more.

  3. I am sorry for everything. No words can comfort you. I just experienced a major loss last Jan 6 2012. It is very difficult,i don't know if I can survive this. You give me some inspiration that I can go on without hurting myself, knowing that you have not given up on life even if it is really sad ( sad is an understatement, it been almost 10months that Alison passed away, and i know it feels like yesterday. Please hang on, and I am hanging in here too. I will pray for us. It's hard to say "pray" because i am questioning God why this happened to us. I am angry at Him, but i still pray. i don't know why.

    1. Hello, thank you for commenting. I am so sorry for your loss, was it wife or husband? You are so early on in this journey, 10 days is not time at all but I know it already seems an eternity to you. The mind goes into shock and numbness, which I believe is a protective element.
      You will find you will go through different phases as the months go by. Please read all my postings and I hope that some will give you strength. Also visit the message boards on that site was a life saver for me, you will get a lot of support, I have made some good friends from there who are going through the same.