Thursday, 5 January 2012
Just a number.
Here I am at the start of 2012, a year that Alison has never existed, that statement is heartbreaking! I tell myself it is just a number, that's what I kept telling myself New Years Eve, spent with a friend in Essex. I had decided to escape the party I was invited too next door to me, fearing that come midnight, I would be an emotional wreck and that would just upset people and spoil what is a happy occasion. So the night was spent quietly watching a movie on TV and plenty of food and wine. We watched the countdown on BBC1 and then the fireworks. I promised myself not to cry in front of my friend, I kept too that promise, except for just one small single tear , that fell unnoticed as Big Ben struck midnight.
It was a restless nights sleep that followed, by morning I could feel all the emotion brewed up inside me. Arriving home mid morning to an empty house, was the release valve, within a minute of walking through the door, I just sank to my knees and sobbed and sobbed, with a few wails thrown in for good measure.
Just a number it maybe, but now I have to say that 'Alison died last year', that in itself makes it sound a long time ago.
So 2012 is here, a year that Alison will not be physically part of or the years that follow, how the f---k can that be, all those that have something to offer this world are taken early, for some reason, the brightest stars always burn out first, she was definitely one of the brightest!
This new year stretches out before me, normally I would be excited and happy, as would Alison, we would both have loads to look forward to.Last year she was so looking forward to the warm weather coming, so she could get out on her bike more, not that she didn't ride it during the winter, if it was dry she was out on it, but for obvious reasons warm weather meant more rides and nicer ones. She loved her bike so much and thankfully as we had a warm spring last year, she at least got some good rides in before her life was tragically cut short. She was always eager to get me on the bike with her, I always refused, not because I was scared or didn't trust her riding skills, just that being pillion did not appeal, but I so regret now not ever saying yes, as it would have made her day and you know what, I wish I had been pillion the day she crashed and that we had both died together, I'm serious on that!
How can I be excited and happy, the one person that made my life exciting and happy has gone. It maybe just over eight months ago or last year as it is now, but too me it seems just last week that I lost her, the pain hasn't eased, it is the same just in a different perspective, which in time brings. To be honest I am finding it harder now and as the time goes on, I cry and I cry a lot! in short bursts and more intensely. I'm not just crying for my loss as great as it is, but also Alison's loss in all the things she would have done over the past months and all the things she wanted to do in the months and years to follow. I have emptiness in my life, that I have never had or experienced before and know that it will always be there, as it can never be filled.
I keep asking myself and often say out loud, 'how can she be dead', all these months on and my mind just cannot accept that she is dead-what a horrible word, but it is fact, yet I can't accept it. I know she is never coming back, yet my mind thinks she is still as she was in physical form but in another place that is beyond vision or communication, I think my mind is expecting a miracle and that one day she will walk through the door-how I wish.
But deep down I know our life together has ended, a life together when I look back I took for granted, as we all do, there was always a lifetime to do all the things you wanted to do together, that's how it should be, but for some of us there are different plans, way beyond our control and Alison's time ran out long before it should have done, bless her.
So how do I get over this grief ? Reading about grief, the answer is to let go, easier said than done, how can I let go, I still love her, if I let go I can move forward and if the existence of afterlife is true, if I let go, she can move forward too (more on that in my next post). But I'm moving forward anyway with out letting go, for time drags me along regardless.
I can't help but think of her continuously, I'm surrounded by all her things and her life as it was, it is the only way I can still have her.
I don't know where 2012 will take me, maybe the anniversary of her passing at the end of April will be a turning point and my mind will click into a happier place, I know I will never ever be as happy and content as I was when Aly was alive, it really was a life so perfect, we had ups and downs like all couples, but we had a bond so strong, which is why I'm feeling so much pain and loss. The loneliness without her will never go!