Monday, 14 May 2012
The first year.
So here I am, just over one year after my world came crashing down around me, it has been by far the hardest time of my entire life mentally and physically
So Alison has not been physically part of my life for now over a year, what we had as a physical couple here on earth has gone forever, that is by far the hardest thing to accept, everything is lost our past together and our future together, yes I have the memories, but the memories give me the constant mental pain of wanting her back, those memories will do that for a long time to come, probably for ever, testament to what she meant to me.
At the start of this journey of grief, I could not imagine being this far down the line, I couldn't and didn't want to think that far ahead it scared me. But here I am, after a year of the most emotional roller-coaster state of mind I could ever imagine. I never thought it possible I could produce so many tears, only a hand full of days in the last year have I not cried and I still do!
The last year has just been a blur of disbelief, it still feels like I lost her just a week ago or that she was just here yesterday.
The first year anniversary was on Saturday 28 April, since which, I have slipped into a new phase of grief, I sort of expected it, I was more worried about how I would be after the anniversary than the day itself. The first year has in a way been governed by a set of challenges to get through, the funeral, the ashes, the six month point, Xmas, new year, Alison's birthday, then the anniversary of her passing. Now into this second year it's for real ! no more first challenges, just the challenge of my life ahead with out her, it is daunting, it is a new pain!
It really feels like the last year has been just a bad dream and suddenly I have woken up to find it's not a dream, this is it now, it's for real.
Adapting to life without her is so hard, it is the hardest thing I have ever had to face . Just the fact that I have lost her is bad enough, but I have to except that I have also lost the person I was, I now have to find the new me, build a new me, in this I have no choice, the life I had with Alison has now gone, the completeness and happiness lost for ever. I doubt I will ever again feel so complete as I did with her, I definitely will never be so happy. That's not to say I will be forever miserable, just not happy in the same way I was. Alison was so unique in so many ways, not one person on this planet can give me what she gave me.
My mind has to heal from the trauma it has received, I know from speaking to others that this could take years, it is a gradual process, the dips in this roller-coaster ride will I hope get shallower and further apart, time will tell.
For those who have read about my visit to the medium and the amazing reading I had, will know my belief that there is an afterlife. I needed answers after losing Alison, so I read everything I could on the subject, I watched videos, I had many signs but needed to rule out coincidence. Over the months up to the first year anniversary, all the signs followed the exact pattern I had read about time and time again. There were the strange things that happened a few days and a week or so after her passing. Then feathers started appearing in specific places at specific times. I have seven feathers, the last one found in the house at the bottom of the stairs one morning.
I talk to Alison off and on during the day and always before I go to sleep, on finding the feathers, I have said to her more than once if I find one in the house I will believe they are signs from you!
It is understood that soon after passing the spirit stays earthbound for a while and is helped by spirit guides to leave signs to say that they are ok and are with you.
Since that last feather appeared, I have found no more, I guess she got her message across.
There hasn't been any signs since that last feather, I had kept telling her that I would visit a medium, maybe she was waiting for that day and now that she was able connect, she has now crossed over properly and moved on in spirit.
I'm hoping that even though she has probably crossed over, she can still visit me in my dreams and should I ever have another reading come through again.
I have no clue what lies ahead for me, time will drag me forwards, I know that I should be making the best of my life, I know that's what Alison would want, but it is going to take time, I can still only do things day by day, I have no future plans.