Saturday, 12 November 2011
Claws of grief
Well the claws of grief have really hooked into me over the last few days, I should have known after getting through one day without crying, the first in over six months, that grief was just waiting until I was off guard to stab it's claws in and pull me back to reality. I cry harder now than I have done before.
I'm missing Alison more and more, the numbness of my mind has gone, the lovely memories are flooding back. That's all I have now memories, the reality that she does not exist any more is hitting me hard. I constantly ask myself how someone so vibrant so full of life, who had achieved so much in life, can be beside my bed in a multicoloured urn.
Will I ever adapt to this new life of no choosing? God knows, I can only go by what others who have been through the same and are further on than me, have said, in that it does get easier. I must mention that I have had a lot of online support from dozens of others who are going through this, some earlier in the journey, some later, we all support each other, one or two have become very good online friends, they know who they are.
I must also mention my neighbours Claire and Shaun, without them I would definitely not have got this far, they have always been there for me, they were close to Alison, so understand, Claire was also sitting next to me in the police car when the police woman broke the news, we both went into shock together.
Adapting to this new life is the only choice I have, it is the biggest challenge I have ever faced, losing Alison has shattered my life to pieces, I doubt I will ever get those pieces back together again, if they do go back , they will never be in the right order . As I mentioned in a recent post, the distance thing is getting to me, in the early weeks, months I felt her near, I imagined she was just the other side of a one way mirror, she could see and hear me, but I couldn't see or hear her. I would like to believe that is how it is, just as I would like to believe in after life, but the time distance is fading that belief. Alison was so intelligent and clever, I ask myself if anyone can make contact from the other side if there is life after, in any way, she could, but she doesn't, so that's why disbelief is now over powering any belief I had , that in turn makes me feel even more lonely for my loss.
She has still yet to make an appearance in my dreams, I long for her to be in them, everyone else is but not her, that is something I really cannot understand. I am often with some one in my dreams, but I never see their face or I just cant remember their face when I wake.
I miss the normal conversation that couples have, I miss sharing thoughts and ideas that can only be shared with a partner, I miss everything! how can that ever be replaced. This house was for both of us, we were the first and only ones to live here, it has our imprint, but now I'm the only one here, it seems so wrong and empty. The fun has gone from my life, with Alison it was fun with a capital F, never a dull moment from one day to the next. She gave me love in a way I have never had before, we were totally in tune with each other.
She brought excitement to my life, now I feel none, nothing excites me any more, I don't see a future, the future was me and her, that is now gone.
I have memories, pictures, video, she is in my heart in my mind, but it's never going to be enough, but the brutal truth is that it will have to be as it's all I've got! She is never coming back, I will never ever see her again, how the hell can I live with the loss of her, she was my happiness, I can never be truthfully happy again.
So yeah at the moment I am really struggling, yeah I put on a brave face, I get on with things, but the pain is always there, this nightmare I can never wake up from goes on.
I'm not suicidal, don't think I'm depressed, I simply just miss the one person in my life that I thought would always be there, the person that made my life complete and who I loved so deeply, that not even she realised how deep my love was.