I am so lonely for Alison !
Yes I have friends, neighbours etc, but they can never replace the loneliness I feel without Aly.
Waking in the morning alone, is crap, having my first cup of coffee alone is crap, I then have to get through the day, if I'm not painting then I spend most of my day on the computer, at least it takes my mind off the loss for some of the time.
I miss the normal conversations and banter that we both had, the laughing together at the silliest little thing, she will never again tell me how good my latest painting was, I will never again be able to tell her how brilliant she was!
At about 5.30pm I go over to Sainsburys for food and wine, buying for one is no fun, I used to love buying stuff that Aly loved, never again will I cook her favourite meals. So I make my meal for one and sit down and eat.
Just lately I have really struggled with the evenings, I cry off and on all evening, I purposely don't go to bed before 1am, as with my sleep pattern as it is, I would wake in the early hours if I went say at 11pm. Besides myself and Aly very seldom went to bed before 1am or 2am.
More often than not, I cry myself to sleep, wishing she was beside me tapping away on the keyboard of her laptop, she always used her laptop before going to sleep. Sometimes it annoyed me, but I would give anything to have her here doing that now.
There really are no words that can describe the loneliness you feel when you lose the one person your life evolved around. As time goes on, the longing for her is more intense, hence the tears.
Tears I'm told are a healing process, that may well be, but you know what, I don't mind crying for her everyday for the rest of my life, all I wish for long term is the wretchedness of it all to subside.
I've been lonely all my life ever since I was a very young child, and I this year I turn 40. I too have lost people close to me in tragic circumstances, but I have never been in a relationship with a girl and hence never lost an intimate partner but in some ways I can understand your pain and the emptiness. I also totally understand your sleep problems and recently at their worst, I was getting one hour or less each and every night and still driving to work etc. It makes your body ache in ways you cannot describe properly, and your brain swills around your skull in an awful way, plus your eyesight becomes very blurred.
ReplyDeleteI still think about the people I have lost on a regular basis and increasingly so. I love your recent painting of the tiger, and I am convinced Aly is channelling herself through you, for you to produce such vibrant and radiant work. I'm not surprised it sold.