The void

When the terrible events of 9/11 unfolded on our television screens, myself and Alison had not even met. At that time I had no idea that in the decade since 9/11, I would meet and fall in love with the most precious person ever to be part of my life and grieve for her in the same decade. Only now do I know the full extent what those who lost loved ones in that tragic event, went through, in fact the nature of the atrocity meant that most never ever saw the bodies of there loved one's, so grieving was even tougher for them I'm sure.

The void created by the collapse of the towers has now been filled with the new memorial site and I hope in the years that have passed, some of the void in the lives of the many who lost their loved ones has also been filled in some way.

The void left in my life, from losing Alison will never be completely filled, like those who lost in 9/11.

I could have spent my whole life searching for someone like her and never found her, but I did, or rather we found each other. So that void is immense, I just skirt around it now and again, but it will always be there, no void of love can be filled.

The void I personally feel has made me look inside of me, but there are no answers to be found, when Alison was here we were one, there were no questions no answers. I walk around the house she should be there, I cook she should be there 'saying wow that smells good', she would be out, I should be looking forward to her coming home, it goes on and on, she never will be here again, so how is that void ever filled. It can't be, but I have to continue life and small amounts of the void she left will be filled, with things I would not have normally done if she was still here.

My life has changed drastically, just like those who lost loved ones in 9/11. I'm still at this moment in time a lost soul in a place I don't understand!.

Hope that all makes sense.

Die of a broken heart.

What a day ! and it hasn't ended yet. Wind and rain, well especially wind really makes me feel low, add on the loss of Alison and maybe you know where I'm coming from. So accept my apologies for another sorrowful post, but writing about my feelings helps.
I should have been getting on with work today, but just have not been able to hold it together. Have been bursting into tears off and on all day, even one of my happy pills didn't really work this time.

You know there really are no words that truly describe what I feel, only those going through the same know the feeling. Losing someone who was your total life and knowing you will never see them, hear them, touch them, feel love from them is just too much to bare. I really do think it is possible to die from a broken heart. Indeed only last week there was the story of a ex soldier who lost his soldier son two years ago, never got over the loss and actually did die of a broken heart. I know I will never get over the loss of Alison, so maybe I will go the same way.

This mental pain is so intense, it actually controls your life, you just skirt around it now and again and for a while you function, maybe a day maybe two, but then bang, it comes back and hits you like a sledgehammer. The total feeling of helplessness, loneliness and longing for the one you love is all consuming.

As we both worked from home, we were together for far more hours than the average couple, the longest we were ever apart from each other was a week. Now we are apart until eternity, whatever that maybe. So being alone here all day is a real struggle, there is no longer love or laughter in the house. I really only have one wish in life now and that is that she will be waiting for me on the other side.
 

Sunflowers

A brighter post from the one posted yesterday, Alison's sunflowers are now in bloom, two are fully out. She loved sunflowers and we had a big crop of them in the bottom corner of the garden last year. However as she had planned to build a shed for her bike where the sunflowers were, it left no room in the garden this year for them.

But unknown to me she had collected all the seeds and planted a hand full of them along a narrow stretch of gravel next to the fence.

A week or two after she was taken from me, I was pulling up what I thought were weeds along this strip of gravel, until I realised that they were in fact sunflowers. But anyway here they are a lovely present and surprise for me. There now will always be sunflowers in the garden for her and of course next summer a big show of them at the site of her accident, as I will plant and scatter seeds there.

Sunday bloody Sunday.

Weekends are a struggle, even Friday evening is. How I used to look forward to the weekends, now I dread them.

Saturday was ok-ish, but today Sunday with rubbish weather, and having not seen or spoken to anyone all day, I have been really down. Sure I could have phoned someone, arranged to go and see someone, but it's not the answer, instead it would be nice to get a phone call, rather than making one, it would be nice to have an invite to do something with someone, rather than setting up something with someone.

But no Colin is ok, he always has a smile, he's getting on with things. I look like crap, but people say your looking well and life must be getting easier.

How wrong can they be, they see the outside, they don't see my inside constantly churning with sorrow, sorrow for Alison and all that she has lost, sorrow for myself for the perfect life I no longer have. I still get scared of the future, but I put on a brave face, I don't cry in front of friends, but I cry a lot, believe me.

Sorry for the rant, but this has just been a crap bloody Sunday, a Sunday  that would have been fun if Alison was still here. I just ache for her as I finish typing this and go to bed, another day tomorrow, maybe it will be better, who knows, maybe I will even get to use my voice tomorrow!!

Use your gift.

I haven't posted anything new for over a week, mainly because it is now necessary that I have to focus on work. Life goes on, the bills don't stop and the rent still has to be paid.

The silence in the house is still deafening, don't think I will ever get used to that, in all don't think I will ever get used to Alison not being here. Now at just over 18 weeks and the summer almost ended, it is heartbreaking that she has missed out on so much, all the things she had planned, all the things we would have done together.

I'm still in a lonely alien world really, just that now and again I can peek outside of it. I have been socialising again off and on, friends call round every so often. But you know at the end of the day or evening your going to be alone again until the following day, that sucks!

Alison looked upon her life as a series of chapters and I suppose when you think about it, that's what life is. This is now another new chapter in my life, without doubt the hardest of any previous I have had. I will get through this new chapter for her, such is my love and longing for her even though she is no longer here.

All she ever wanted was to be remembered when she was gone and I recently read these words someone had wrote after losing the last of his family, I quote:

We all come in with nothing and we'll all go out that way. It's what you leave behind for others to enjoy that counts. Use your gift, we all have one.

Well Alison will always be remembered by everyone who was lucky enough to know her and she left a huge gift to me, in the memories I have and the honour of being part of her life. As I have said many times, the trauma I have been through and the sadness I have now, are the price I am paying for loving someone so special.

Four months.

So I'm at the 4 month mark, I cannot believe Alison has been gone all that time. They have been with out doubt the hardest months of my entire life and at this point in time I cannot see them getting any easier. I now know, that the first weeks and months your still numb, in shock, in denial and just on autopilot in an alien world. I did think that reality kicked in after a month, how wrong was I, at this point in time and certainly over the last few days, the pain of losing her and never seeing her again is even more painful, it is now that reality has kicked in.

Early on in this journey I had a job to even visualise her or even remember her voice, I couldn't see her or hear her in my mind, it seemed like amnesia, now with a more clear mind, the memories are all flooding back.

As lovely as they are and all I have, it makes missing her ever more harder and emotional.

Those that read all my postings may notice changes in the number of weeks with out her, each Thursday I have been counting the weeks since her passing in my head, some how I lost track and added on three weeks, I have only just realised it today, after printing off a calendar and marking each week, the earlier posts have now been rectified. So actually I'm earlier in this journey than I thought.

Does it make a difference? not really I still miss her just as much and I can't see that ever changing. When she died my world came crashing down around me, it is only now that I am trying to pick up the pieces, but they will never ever fit in the right place. Again I don't want to sound though I'm in self pity or that I don't have positive periods, I do have positives as I know that is what Alison would want and I do try so hard to be strong for her most of the time, as I do believe she is watching over me now and again, or however it works from the other side. I think it is that belief that keeps me going, I just cant ignore the signs and happenings I have written about in previous posts. But the smallest thing can trigger me into tears in an instant.

So this bank holiday Monday is almost over, weekends are hard enough, but when they are extended it is worse. I have stayed in all day, not seen anyone, no phone calls, no emails, just me and my memories, to say I'm lonely is an understatement, but the truth is I only want one person and she cant be here.

I know for sure, if it wasn't for the internet and I know I speak for others going through this thing called grief, I don't know where I would be.

Light a Candle

Trust me to not tape the note on straight.

Today it is 17 weeks with out Alison. How I have got through all those weeks I really don't know, all I know is it has been the hardest and most heartbreaking weeks in my life. This last week I have been positive, the painting I completed two days ago was a breakthrough for me and yesterday it was sold. So yesterday I felt really pleased with myself.

Today though I woke up quite emotional, Thursdays always being like that, breaking a back tooth yesterday evening, hasn't helped. A visit to my private dentist is on the cards, but no way can I afford it at the moment, good job the painting sold.

So have resorted to taking one of my prescribed happy pills it takes the edge of things a little, I only ever take them when I really need to, don't want my body to get used to them and then having to have a higher dosage.

As I do every Thursday at 6.15pm I will walk to the crash site, put some new flowers in the beer glass that someone taped to the railings and I have printed out a note saying ' Forever in my heart Alison will love you for ever more Colin' I will seal it in polythene and tape it above the flowers.

Then I will have my usual chat to Aly, on the bridge.

It hurt and saddens me that a good number of Alison's friends and she had a lot! have not visited her website or more importantly, not lit a candle for her on her page on the local paper website. It is just a simple task, cost's nothing, all it costs is respect for Alison.

She would do anything for her friends and would drop everything to help out and often did.

I cannot except the excuse that they cannot find the website, you only have to google her name now, or the excuse that it is emotional for them to do so.

Ok cry if you have too what's wrong with that at least do something for her even though she is no longer here ' Light a Candle'

She deserves that at least.

I dedicate this to her.

First painting I have started and completed since Alison was taken from me.

It has been an emotional challenge but got there in the end, my first painting produced since Alison was taken from me. She would have been the first person to see it and comment on it, I'm sure she would have like it.

Not having her here to do that brings me to tears.

Painting alone again takes me back to the days before Alison bounced into my life, not nice thoughts really, it was lonely then, but even more lonely now.

But seeing me painting again, if she can see, will make her happy, that's all I ever wanted, was for her to be happy, so I dedicate this painting to her and it will be inscribed on the back saying so.

Now all I have to do is sell it, now that always did make her happy!

Waves

Now in my 16^th week with out Aly. The waves of loneliness come crashing in as do waves of unbelieving, even this far in the journey, which is not far in the grand scheme of grieving.

I have tears today as I type this, a loneliness wave has has just hit me.

Everything is so wrong, she should be here, but she can't be all because of a twist of fate or her destiny.

But what of my fate and destiny, is this it ? living an existence of heartache and being alone. Over at the supermarket the other day, one of the women on the tills, asked how things are, she knew both of us, I said 'could be better' she said 'you may find some one else in time' or words to that effect. I said 'It's never going to happen all I want is Alison, she is still my partner even though she is not here'.

The word pathetic, that came through on the Saturday I had the impromptu reading, haunts me a little, I never want to appear pathetic if Alison 'is' looking down, but I really can't help it a times, I have to let my emotions out, when I do, I find myself apologising to her. But then maybe the word was misinterpreted, who knows.

I just miss her so much and as I've said before I miss my old life, the thought of never seeing her again plays on my mind continuously, she was such a massive part of my life, correct that, was my life. Now what is my life? living just day by day, no plans, nothing to look forward to any more.

Not just going away or doing things together, but also simple things, like when she went out, looking forward to her coming back, looking forward to cooking meals, looking forward to watching movies, looking forward to her opinion on something, looking forward to telling her things, sharing and being loved and giving love back, our cuddles together, the list goes on.
Going to bed alone and waking up alone is horrible, how I would love to have her next to me again. The scary thing is, I never ever will.

Maybe a better day tomorrow, but today I have been really low.

Time machine

It is now 15 weeks since Alison was taken, yes I count every week that goes by, I have to, in order to keep a balance of things and to know how far I have come in this crap journey.

While sitting in the garden this morning, looking at the sunflowers that Alison had planted without me knowing and then looking at the gate she last went through, never to return, I thought it unbelievable it was 15 weeks ago. Then another thought crossed my mind, yes it has been 15 weeks lost from being together , but equally it is 15 weeks nearer to when we meet again in what ever form on the other side.

But the missing her far out weighs the positive thoughts. I have worked properly this last week, the first time since that fateful night. It is strange working alone and not hearing Alison about the place. When this new painting is finished I won't be able to ask her what she thinks of it.

She had so looked forward to the summer months and she has missed them all, that compounds the sadness I feel. But I have progressed this last week, but the tears are never far away. The impromptu reading on Saturday last, did ease my pain a little, knowing that she is sometimes around is comforting. I have been assured that the information coming through could not have been known by the person receiving, hearing it and telling it to me..

I have to believe !

But I want her physically, I want everything to be as it was, if only I could turn back time or if Alison's 'TIME MACHINE' really bloody worked! Bless her.
The little video shows her fantastic sense of humour.

Trying to be positive

After what happened on Saturday night, I have been in a more positive mind, enough to seriously focus on getting some work done. Over the last months I have just done a bit here a bit there when the mood takes me.

But now out of necessity I need to, so the message received Sat night came at the right time.

So yesterday I focused on getting a new painting started, but it has been so hard to hold concentration, even with rock music playing on the hi fi.

It is so bloody lonely! Even though painting is a solitary thing, not having Alison here banging about upstairs, or hearing her talking on the phone, or tapping away on her keyboard, coming down and making cups of coffee, or going out then coming in, general banter and chat etc etc, just makes everything seem empty, the house has lost it's fun and productivity, it's soul.

With no tears on Sunday and none during the day yesterday, it was back to tears before bedtime yesterday evening. I can get through the days easier now, but the evenings are now the hardest and know they will get harder as the nights draw in, I'm really dreading the winter months.

No more watching movies together, have not watched one since she was taken. There are movies we wanted to see, in fact I may have mentioned before, we were going to watch one the evening she died. I will never watch that now.

I will keep trying to be positive but it is far from easy, I know that's what she wants, for me to get on with life. I often said to her, 'if I lost you I would be destroyed' 'oh' she would say 'you'll get over it' little did she know.

She has been in touch.

Sat 13^th August I had invited two friends (I won't use their names on here, I will just use husband, wife.) around for a barbecue in the evening. So the day was spent house cleaning and shopping for the food.

As usual was very emotional, this was the first barbecue without Alison.

Again lots of spells of tears while cleaning, got into a bit of a state mid afternoon, so took a diazepam to calm myself.

Friends arrived and we had a lovely evening eating and drinking. I have only known these two friends for just under a year, Alison had only met them the once, very briefly. It was only the second time they had been to my house, the first was just for a quick coffee and chat.

Anyway the evening went on and we sat chatting in the garden. All of a sudden the husband look startled and looked at his wife, his wife asked 'Charlie?' yeah he said.

Now I had no idea what was going to happen next, but her husband looked very uneasy. Now he dismisses that he is psychic, it's not what he does and does not tell anyone that he is, I had absolutely no idea ! But he has a spirit guide that visits him now and again out of the blue, the guide is Charlie.

Well Charlie had just appeared and he had Alison with him, Alison said 'she was angry when she went out' she was, but the husband would have no idea of this, as I have never disclosed it. She then said ' it was a silly misjudgment' that I assume refers to her losing control of the bike.

Then the words ' Oh fuck ! dark, sky, dark sky, dark sky, dark, no pain'

Alison would always use that swear comment, the dark, sky would have been her rolling along the road. Again the husband would not have known she used 'Oh fuck' , but it is the one thing I know she would have said when she knew she had lost control.

Then husband said she is showing great humour, but she has just turned really angry, she said she was made angry before she went out—I know that to be so, she was really angry that she had wrecked her bike, also she was angry that I am being pathetic and that I must let her go, I need to get on with my life and stop crying for her.

She then said she is happy!

The last words sent through where 'the bridge' talk to me there.

The place she crashed was on a bridge, but it is not obvious that the section of road is a bridge unless you know so.

I asked husband could you see Alison, he said yes briefly, she was beautiful and standing sideways to me, not showing her left side, he asked me did she have most injuries on one side of her body. She did it was the left side.
I have read that messages/words coming through can be muddled and out of context as most sentences are broken up.
I have no choice but to believe!

I did tell my friends earlier in the evening about the dreams I had earlier in the week, husband said that it does seem she was trying to get through

So totally unexpectedly I got the answers I was seeking, that she is around and she is happy.

I went to bed about 3am and for once felt calm and could not wait for morning to tell the story.

Once up, tried to phone Alison's mum, she wasn't answering, so I made my coffee and went out to the garden and sat on a patio chair, this time not on Alison's bench as I usually do. Put my coffee on the patio table and as I sat back, a feather dropped from directly above me and landed at my feet !!

So, it is all so amazing, I do need to be more positive and hope to be, I will still have tears, but not so many perhaps, I will still miss her every hour every day, but I now know she is happy and she is around me at times.

Candles

Every evening I light candles for Alison, today I went to Next Homes with a friend. I had a gift card that was given to Alison that still had some funds left on it, so I bought some tea light candle holders that look beautiful in front of her photos, the two red ones are heart shaped.

I will always have candles burning for her in the evenings, as well as fresh flowers in the house always.

She is not here, but she is still my partner and it is now the only way I can show my love for her.

Total despair

Alison was in my dreams for the first time last night, since she was taken from me. There were four separate dreams, the first was a real nightmare, a dream that I thought was real until I suddenly awoke. The other three just weird as dreams are.

I would have thought it would have been comforting, I longed for the day she was in my dreams, but it had the reverse effect. I have done nothing but cry for her today, worse this evening, tears again while I type this.

At this moment I am in total despair and broken, to be honest, she always wished for me to ride pillion with her on the bike, I always refused, light heartedly saying, I prefer to take control of my own destiny.

How I wish I was on that bike with her that evening and we both died together.

I valued life

I valued life so much when Alison was alive, I looked forward to every new day.

I worried about our age difference of twenty years, what if I became ill, what if I died and left her behind. It worried me as she would not of coped, for reasons only I know, even more so now, I would hate for her to suffer what I'm going through.

Every day an effort, no fun, no one to talk to, no one to share things with.

Where is the value of life now, it's not me feeling sorry for myself either, it is purely that life without her is pointless.

Seventeen weeks to the day, she was taken, it seems a lifetime, can't imagine a year ahead, let alone another ten or more. Knowing I will never ever see her again tears my heart out, well what's left of it.

I keep telling myself as a couple we were never going to die together, unless it was an accident, in some ways I wish I was on that bike with her that evening and we both died together. But if things had taken the natural course and we lived to a good age, then I would have gone first. She knew that and it did worry her. Now she hasn't got to worry about that, or worry about becoming ill or getting old, she hated the thought of getting old.

She had a very matter of fact way with dealing with death, if it happens it happens she would say, she didn't fear it, she would often say, 'everyone at the present is going to be dead in a hundred years anyway'. Hence she lived life to the full and that's what made life exciting for me. I didn't want her to get the bike, but nothing was going to stop her, she loved that bike , she even had it in the house sometimes ! to clean and polish it or do a modification, much to my disapproval, but it made her happy and that's what was important, when she was riding, she had everything she craved, adrenalin, danger, speed, admiration and she did look cool!!

It is tragic that something she loved took her life, but she died doing what she loved.

So now I really don't value life like I used too.

Loneliness

I am so lonely for Alison !

Yes I have friends, neighbours etc, but they can never replace the loneliness I feel without Aly.

Waking in the morning alone, is crap, having my first cup of coffee alone is crap, I then have to get through the day, if I'm not painting then I spend most of my day on the computer, at least it takes my mind off the loss for some of the time.

I miss the normal conversations and banter that we both had, the laughing together at the silliest little thing, she will never again tell me how good my latest painting was, I will never again be able to tell her how brilliant she was!

At about 5.30pm I go over to Sainsburys for food and wine, buying for one is no fun, I used to love buying stuff that Aly loved, never again will I cook her favourite meals. So I make my meal for one and sit down and eat.

Just lately I have really struggled with the evenings, I cry off and on all evening, I purposely don't go to bed before 1am, as with my sleep pattern as it is, I would wake in the early hours if I went say at 11pm. Besides myself and Aly very seldom went to bed before 1am or 2am.

More often than not, I cry myself to sleep, wishing she was beside me tapping away on the keyboard of her laptop, she always used her laptop before going to sleep. Sometimes it annoyed me, but I would give anything to have her here doing that now.

There really are no words that can describe the loneliness you feel when you lose the one person your life evolved around. As time goes on, the longing for her is more intense, hence the tears.

Tears I'm told are a healing process, that may well be, but you know what, I don't mind crying for her everyday for the rest of my life, all I wish for long term is the wretchedness of it all to subside.

Painted toe nails

Alison had her nails done every two weeks,  always on a Thursday morning, travelling to her home town of Bury St Edmunds to have them done. The day of her accident, she had them done that morning !she loved having lovely nails.

A few days earlier, think it may have been the Sunday, she for the first time ever asked me to paint her toe nails , being an artist, she knew I would do a good job. So I sat and painted them a lovely purple.

It was the only time she had ever had painted toenails, why she decided then to have them painted I don't know, but it was lovely to do. She went to the beach the next day with a friend, as it was a hot day. She took this picture of them, that gives me such a loving memory, I'm just so lucky that Alison took photo's of anything and everything, it was one of the last photo's she took.

Destiny

Sunday afternoon and I write this with more tears streaming down my face.
On Thursday 4^th August it has been 14 weeks since I lost Alison, as I have said before she was my total life, my soul mate, best friend and my partner. The day I met her eight years ago, I knew she was something special, love at first sight I guess. She brought fun into my life, don't get me wrong, life was already fun, at the time I wasn't looking for a relationship.

But she brought more fun, it was as if our destiny was to be together, I know and have always believed that to be so, I'm a strong believer that we all have our destiny mapped out for us, things maybe happen for a reason.

Certainly going over the day she lost her life, a minute's change of plan would have changed the outcome, she would still be here. We used to cuddle a lot and just an hour or so before her accident, she was on the bed with her laptop, I went to her and laid down beside her, I said put the laptop down lets have a cuddle, maybe a little sleep, then her mobile rang, which changed things and we didn't have our cuddle, had we done, she would still be here. Like wise if I had chatted to her a minute or so more before she went out on her bike, the fire engine she had collided with would not have been there and she would still be here.

So is this cruel destiny? destiny can be happy and cruel as we all know.

If there is such a thing as our destiny mapped out so to speak, then there must a bigger picture to life and beyond. Maybe it was her time, at her age of 37 that is so cruel. Why do the beautiful, vibrant and talented die so young?!
If only we had cuddled and gone to sleep, she would still be here!!

Signs

During the shock and numbness of the early days and weeks, the constant thing on my mind was 'where is she' I still worried about her, the same as I did when she was alive and was late getting home or whatever and even more so for the year that she had the bike.

So where was she now, can she see me or hear me, is there life after? Something Alison didn't believe in, as far as she was concerned there was nothing after. So I even worried on that score, if there was life after, would she be pissed off, it would have to be very special for her not to be.

Everyday I looked for signs that she was around, I placed things in her study, so I knew if they were moved. Getting up in the morning, I would immediately make the bed and smooth it out, she loved to lay on the bed with her laptop! But nothing ever moved, never any ripples on the smoothed out quilt.

That said in the few days following her passing, strange things did happen, not just to me and possibly things that cannot be put down to coincidence.

The first strange thing involved ginger cats, a day after the accident, Alison's mum was out walking in the fields near her home, a ginger cat appeared from nowhere and like some cats do walked around her feet purring. The next day, I was invited around for coffee to one of Alison's friends . On leaving I bumped into another of Aly's friends who I had not seen for over a year, she had parked right next to my car, the chance of ever bumping into her was remote, but she was one of Aly's closest friends, until she moved on. We stood their chatting with tears, suddenly again from no where a ginger cat appeared and walked around our feet.

Two days later my neighbours had been round one evening for a drink and on leaving and opening the garden gate, right in front of them, just sat staring was a ginger cat, it didn't move!

The second strange thing, happened at Alison's celebration, one of her friends was so over come with emotion, he left the service before the end. He went outside and sat on a nearby wall. Head in hands, he was startled enough to jump, when someone sat next to him. Turning to see who it was, there was no one there!

Finding white feathers is a classic sign of a deceased love one, letting you know they are with you. Well it is only recently that this happened to me. I have never noticed any feathers in our garden, let alone pure white ones.

But during one of my really bad days of tears, in fact it was the day I went to see my doctor about being prescribed some pills to help me through.

I got home and with more tears I poured myself a large G&T. I would normally just go and sit on the patio chairs, but instead sat on a little bench that Alison used to always sit on.

Sat down and then directly in front of me a saw a pure white feather, I looked in disbelief, it was in between two paving slabs that Aly had put down as steps over the grass, I picked it up and put it on the bookshelf with Aly's photo's. Two days later another white feather appeared in exactly the same spot.

I haven't seen any since!

So is this all coincidence or is there something after?

Wild strawberries

The garden before Alison was taken, was a bit of a building site to be honest. She was in the process of building a shed during the winter months, for her bike, told you she was very practical!

Last summer the garden was lovely and she promised we would have it looking nice again this summer.

Well I have worked hard over the last few months getting it nice for her and me of course, I really hope she is looking down and seeing it.

A couple of weeks before the fateful day, she came in , 'I've bought some grass seed and some strawberry plants hunnie', she shouted up the stairs.

Actually she had just bought one strawberry plant bless her.

Anyway a few days later I put the plant in a big pot for her.

It has now grown and producing fruit, she didn't realise that she had bought a wild strawberry plant and the fruit is very small, but she would have loved them all the same.
Also she adored sunflowers and unknown to me she had put a load of sunflower seeds underneath a gravel bed that runs along one side of the garden against the fence. At least 30 sunflowers are now growing.

The garden does look so nice and it is nice to sit out there thinking of her, at the same time so sad that she is not here to enjoy it, I so miss her.

Frozen in time

Days after Alison's passing, the house remained the same, everything left as it was, no tidying, I couldn't bare to move anything. All her shoes remained in the corner by the patio doors, her gym bag on the floor next to the table, the table top cluttered with her things, her Guci handbag hanging on a table chair.

Constant painful reminders of her and that she was never coming back, everything frozen in time from the evening of the accident. 

Gradually after her cremation, I tidied and moved things around, really just to make space for some photos I had printed of her and put in frames. The living room bookcase became a shrine to her,I even had her casket of ashes on the bottom shelf. I didn't know at the time, but it was far too soon to do this, I wasn't strong enough emotionally to see photos of her everywhere and have a shrine to her in the living room, I realised  it would be best for now to move some of her personal items out of view.

I friend gave me a big box printed with butterflies, to use as a memory box, all her personal items are now in it. Her rings, her purse, her passport, the last box of cigarettes I bought her etc etc.

We live in a three storey house, the top of the house was Alison's space, she used a large walk in cupboard as her office, the shower room doubled up as a workshop, the main room on the top floor was taken up with more desks and computer screens. Alison had a degree in electronics and computer science and programming, so everything on the top floor was geared up for her work in that field.

Apart from tdying the main room, her office is as she left it, I have her casket on her desk and photos and her memory box and other personal things dotted around, it is now her shrine, I go up there to talk to her and weep. The workshop hasn't been touched, even now I expect to see her sitting in her office chair or cross legged sitting on the floor at a workshop table.

One of my family members asked me just a couple of days after Alison was taken, 'what are you going to do with all her stuff, all her clothes, are you getting rid of them?

This so annoyed me, no way I said, everything is staying here, clothes everything! They are part of Alison, so are still part of me.

We died as a couple

On the 28^th of April we died as a couple, except I'm still here with a change of life forced upon me. Alison would never of wanted this for me, to see me in torment everyday, crying everyday, constantly sad and my zest for life gone.

On the 4^th of August it will be 16 weeks since she was taken from me, I have cried for her, every day of those sixteen weeks, I honestly cant see the tears ever stopping.

She was my total life, everything I lived for was for her, without her there seems no purpose.

If I knew for certain that we would be together again on the other side, if there is another side and if I didn't have to be strong for her mum and my two boys from my previous marriage, I would not hesitate in trying to be with her, but I know in my heart, that is no solution, would I want to put others through this.

So I'm here still, I have got through the past sixteen weeks, I don't know how, but I keep telling myself, that the only way I can hold on to her is by

memory and looking at her photos and video, as heart breaking that is to do at the moment.

Also keeping her memory and name alive with the tribute site, keeps me going.

Finding the Merry Widows website a few weeks after her loss has been a saviour, anyone reading this blog who has just lost a partner must do the same, I honestly would not know where I would be, now if it wasn't for the support given by people going through the same grief process on the site.

When you lose a partner, part of you dies with them, trust me this is so true, after the loss you are no longer the person you were. That fact is incredibly hard to accept, I still haven't accepted it, but I know it is true. Likewise I cannot yet accept that Alison is no longer here, yet I know it is true and real, I have her ashes, but I still expect her to walk through the door.

Anyone who has not lost a partner will never understand what it is like, it is horrendous day in day out. Every second, every minute, every hour every day and so forth, your mind thinks of nothing but the loss, not just the loss of your loved one, but also the loss of the life you had before, as that life has also gone for ever. It is not self pity, you cannot just pull yourself together and get on with life, time is not the healer either as most people would tell you. It doesn't heal, it just allows you to cope better.

Your mind is traumatized and scarred , the healing process is slow, very slow. The nature of how Alison lost her life is extra trauma, so instant, here one second and gone the next.
As the weeks  go by you start feeling an extra sadness, that being all the days she has lost doing the things she loved, more on that in a different post.

Bringing her home

The day arrived to pick up Alison's ashes, also some locks of her hair that I requested. I was not at all apprehensive about collecting the ashes, after all I was bringing her home.

So into the funeral service reception we went, I had my son with me and Alison's mum. On opening the door , in front of me on the desk was the casket I had chosen, a multicolour geometric design one, almost Egyptian in shape.

It then hit me, again reality punches you in the face. I held it together though, picked up the casket and we went back to the car.

Once in the car I just lost it big time, how can someone so vibrant and beautiful end up like this.

We had decided, as it was a sunny day, to go to some parkland that Alison loved and have a little picnic and we would have Alison with us on the picnic bench, a bit surreal, but Aly would have loved us doing that. We parked up and realised I had not got a bag of any sort to carry the casket across to the picnic area, the casket being quite big and obvious.

Her mum said I have a bag and produced a Sainsburys carrier bag, I'm not carrying my baby across the park in that I said with sad humour. I rummaged about in the boot of the car and found a bag-a Jessops bag, well it was more fitting as Aly loved photography.

So we had our picnic with Aly in the middle of the table in a Jessops bag, it was unreal in so many ways.

So finally home, I carried Alison through the same gate that three weeks earlier she had ridden out of. How could this be possible, I just broke down in tears as soon as I got in the house and hugged the casket tightly.

I didn't realise it at the time, but this now was the real start of my journey of grief, never ever would I see her physical form again, here was the proof right in front of me.
On a lighter note, I di not realise that the ashes would be sealed in a polythene bag inside the casket. I knew  I would want her out of that bag as soon as possible. I left it a couple of days, then late one evening one of her young friends called round to see the ashes out of respect, she and Aly were always out together and were close . 
So we sat there drinking wine and I asked her, would you mind help me transfer the ashes from the polythene bag? she agreed, so we spread a clean white sheet on the floor, put the casket in the middle and began. But because of the shape of the casket-narrower at the top-there was no way of pulling this bag out, it was packed in so tight, we looked at each other and both said at the same time, what would Aly do? with that, I went and got three of Alison's pastry bowls. We then cut the bag and poured all the ashes into each of the bowls, then carefully poured all the ashes back into the casket, job done.
We both said Alison would be pissing herself laughing if she was looking down, as I'm sure she was.

No it's not a dream, this is real.

In the two weeks since Alison was taken, life was just an emotional blur, still in shock, still numb, still not believing this has happened.

I had my eldest son from my previous marriage stay with me those two weeks, I could not face being in the house on my own.

Had visitors most days, the phone never stopped ringing, things had to be organized, people and companies had to be notified. I was just on autopilot in between the tears.

I read everything I could on grief, books, the internet, clutching at anything to help me.

The shock and numbness seemed to have erased my memory, I couldn't here her voice in my mind, I couldn't even visualise her. I had one photo of her taken some years back, that I eventually could look at without tears.

I was invited out by her friends on several occasions, I went, but it just didn't feel right, it should have been Aly going out with her friends

My sleep pattern changed instantly, in normal life I could sleep a good eight hours, in those early days it halved, whatever time I went to sleep, I would wake at 5am almost on the dot—what was that all about? I hated the waking up, always in a cold sweat and a knot in my stomach and the feeling of panic, then the reality! no it's not a dream, this is real !
I start another day in a foreign land, where I can't speak the language and I don't want to be. How can I continue, Alison was my everything, without her what the hell is the point.

Flowers

As is the tradition of road traffic accidents, flowers are left at the place of the accident. This photograph was taken just a couple of days after Alison's accident. The amount of flowers doubled and to this day 15 weeks on the flowers are still there, although obviously dead. Some of the condolence messages are still readable.

I have since the day she died, had fresh flowers in the house for her. A day or two before they need to be replaced, I pick out the best that are left and take them along to the crash site and add them to the railings.

During the early days I could not go near the crash site, the only time I did was at 5.30 am two days after the accident, I then went back later that day to lay my flowers. It is only just a five minute walk from the house.

I was told by friends who went to lay flowers, that they saw motorcyclists ride by and bow there heads in respect as they went past, that is so touching.

The Celebration of her life.

The funeral arrangements have been made, funeral is not the right word for me, so it has been called a celebration. 

Due to the nature of the accident and that a public vehicle was involved it took a day or two longer for Alison to be released so that we could see her at the chapel of rest, at what I rate as one of the best funeral companies in Suffolk. 

 Armstrongs in Bury St Edmunds, is a family run business, without them we could not have made Alison's celebration of her life, so beautiful and emotional.

 Finally the day had come to see her in the chapel of rest. I had supplied a photo of Aly when the celebration details were decided and finalised, so that they could do the best they could to make her look lovely. They didn't disappoint, she looked angelic in her hand woven willow casket. Anyone who has seen a deceased body, will know that it is just a shell and that the spirit of the person is no longer there.

It was all totally surreal, am I really standing here looking at the love of my life, this is so wrong, her hair was styled perfectly, make up had covered the bruising to her face, but she was just a shell. I stayed with her and said my last goodbyes to her physical body, amongst uncontrollable sobbing. I kissed her forehead like I always used to, I kissed her lips many times and held mine on hers, even though they were icy cold. I knew this would be the last time I ever kissed those beautiful lips, the last time I would see her in physical form.

Leaving that room tore me apart.

Alison's cremation took place at West Bury Crematorium, Risby on Thursday 12^th May at 3.45pm. Her hand woven willow casket was draped in white lilies and white roses. I placed a photograph and a personal note to Aly on top of the casket.

We had no vicar or hymms. We had music that Alison loved and words were spoken by family and friends. Songs included were; Scott Joplin 'The entertainer' Alison loved to play that on the keyboard. Pretty woman and Youv'e got it from Roy Orbison, so fitting for Aly, On the Floor by Jennifer Lopez, the last song Aly danced to. The last song was All Along the Watchtower, the Battlestar Gallactica version, Alison just loved the sequence in the series that the song was played over. Her favourite character 'Starbuck' finds heaven as such in the sequence and goes into the white light. I remember Alison just shouting 'Wow that is so cool', when she saw it. We watched the entire series of Battlestar together.

Over 100 friends and family attended, bright colours was the order of the day. I would say that 75% were friends a testament to how special Alison was. Even the police attended, as Alison had done her advanced motorcycle training with them. There were also many fellow bikers.

A private reception was held in Shimpling village hall for close friends.

The fateful day

Alison loved her bike, she had owned it exactly year when she had her fatal accident. She had only just left the house for a quick ride, she hadn't much petrol anyway and asked me for some loose change to get some. I only had five one pound coins, that was the last money I ever gave her. She never got to spend them as the accident happened just around the corner from the house. They were handed back to me along with her mobile phone later that evening. Two of the coins where badly damaged! as was her phone.

After seeing her ride off at aprox 6pm, on Thursday April 28^th 2011, the phone rang aprox 45 minutes later, it was her mother, 'the bike was registered to her mother address' get up to the hospital fast, Alison has had an accident and is in a bad way. I went into panic mode, feeling sick in my stomach, the next 10 minutes were a blur, I went next door to our friends and asked for a lift to the hospital, I was in no fit state to drive myself. We got as far as the main junction at the end of the road, it was sealed off by police, on leaving the house I did not know where the accident had happened, when I saw the road block--I knew. We stopped and I went over to a police officer. I need not go into the finer details, but yes it was Alison, the collision was further up the road and not in sight of the police road block. 

Myself and my neighbour were asked to remain in the car. After what seemed an eternity, a police woman approached, something in my head told me what she was going to say. She knelt down and said I'm so sorry, I cannot remember exactly what I replied, something like 'no she can't be, she cant be dead.

I went into shock, eventually we were transferred into a police car and went full blues to the hospital. On arrival we had to wait for Alison's mum to arrive, before we were led into the special rooms for family. We had to ID Alison, at this stage not knowing her injuries, it was something I dreaded, but whatever her injuries I had to see my baby.

What I wasn't expecting is all the formalities and police paperwork to go through, it took hours and wasn't until near midnight that the identification took place.

So we were taken to the identification room, the door was opened and there was my Alison, covered up to her neck, her face badly bruised from the impact on her crash helmet, I have tears while writing and reliving this.

I was numb, this was not real, just a bad dream that I will snap out of and wake-up, except it was real. I asked to be left alone with her, through uncontrollable tears I talked to her, I kissed her, I hugged her best I could. I must have kissed her cold lips dozens of times. How could this be, she was just 37 years of age and here was the love of my life taken from me !
The following seven day's where just a blur, endless phone calls to make, arrangements to be made, visitors everyday. Hardly any sleep, trying to eat, just reeling in shock and raw emotion. How can I possibly live my life without Alison?
From that very first morning after the accident, I have cried everyday to the present day. Such was our bonding and love, accepting she was gone and that I would never see, hear or touch her again is and always will be incomprehensible. 

The start of a journey called grief.

April 28th 2011 started like any normal day for myself and Alison, little did we know that by 6pm that evening Alison would no longer be alive and my life would be changed for ever.

We were soul mates  and had a love far deeper than could easily expressed in words. She was my rock and I hers, neither of us could contemplate life without the other.

So I start this journey called grief, what is grief ? if I'm honest I wish I didn't know ! but I sure do know now and wouldn't wish it on anyone.

I hope this blog will help anyone who has lost a partner understand what grief really is and also help friends try to understand what I am going through.

Losing Alison without having the chance to say goodbye and now living with out her, is the hardest thing I have ever faced in my life.