1.5 Seconds

Since losing Alison, now eight months ago today, I had dreaded the festive period, it was always a special time for us and Christmas day was always just Alison and me, we loved it. How could I have ever imagined that Christmas 2010 was to be our last together.

So my first Christmas without her and I got through it, I was invited next door for the day, it really helped me get through, I held it together until I got back here. Now that day is behind me, I'm in a void until the next event 'New Years Eve' after that 2012 looms ahead, it is daunting, but all I can do is carry on taking things day by day, until maybe one day my mind clicks into more acceptance that she is no longer here.

I still cannot comprehend and doubt ever will, how my life changed so drastically in April in the blink of an eye. For that's what it was, in fact according to the accident investigation, 1.5 seconds to be exact , the time it took for Alison to fall from her bike and impact with the oncoming vehicle.

In 1.5 seconds I lost everything that mattered in my life, she was the structure of my life , we were one, she was my twin soul! Eight months gone! how I have got this far I really don't know, the minds ability to go numb in those early weeks/months obviously helps, it is a natural mechanism to help you get through, but you don't realise it at the time. If I hadn't started this blog and written everything down, I wouldn't have any gauge of how I have progressed on this journey.

It hasn't got easier, but then I didn't expect it too, but I must have found some inner strength to get me this far, although you wouldn't think so if you saw me in total meltdown at times. I'm still fragile, the slightest disruption in routine or something going wrong, even something trivial has an effect on me, so getting through this festive period was a big but unavoidable step, but I did and far better than I expected, thanks to some good friends.

As mentioned in the previous post, the missing her is far more intense now, constant conversation and interaction that you have as a couple I long for, but it is something I will never have again, coming to terms with that is bloody hard, I have lost confidence in myself, my status has changed, being widowed, single whatever you want to call it, is not nice, I don't feel important any more, I haven't got anyone I want to feel important for.

Next hurdle is New Years Eve, that is actually more daunting than Christmas day, for I will be seeing out the year in which I lost Aly and starting a new year without her and within the new year, I will have the anniversary of her passing to get through and her birthday a few weeks before. The distance from losing her is getting ever greater, but it still seems at times that I lost her just a week or so ago.

We didn't see the New Year in together last year, as she was invited to go with friends down to Cornwall, she was initially indecisive about going, but I said go and have a great time, you may not get another chance, how tragically true those last words! I am so pleased she did go and she did have a great time. How could either of us imagine then, that she would never see another New Year.

This year, I'm going to a friends on new years eve, as there will be parties going on all around me here, I really cannot celebrate, understandably there is nothing for me to celebrate! So it will be just a quiet reflection of what has happened and what life means now that I don't have Alison.

When she was alive,I could never imagine life without her, but here I am facing just that!

I hope that I don't come across as negative and miserable, I'm really not, am I happy? No, but I'm not unhappy, I'm purely heartbroken and sad, dealing with the loss the best way I can and knowing that Aly would not want me to just give up and sink into misery and depression. I cry when I need to, it is not everyday that I cry now, I very rarely take my happy pills now, so that is a good indication of how I'm coping. I do still wander the house though, not believing she has gone, how can someone so electric not exist any more, my mind hasn't totally grasped that yet, I'm desperately lonely of her, I know I always will be.

So a new year beckons, I will carry on keeping her memory alive, I have a memorial bike ride to organize, which will take part on the anniversary of her passing, she will love that if she is watching, but will be probably pissed off in not taking part.

You know, I still worry about her every day, that's how deep my love is, this whole experience has been surreal and remains so, I really hope she is ok and with me sometimes, yes I have had messages saying she is, but I need the 20% doubt taken away, maybe my reading next year will do that.

Messages again.

This is another short post, as a follow on to the previous two posts.

Those who have read this blog from the beginning will know my degree of belief of life after death. Before Alison died, I really didn't give it any thought, I liked to believe there was something after of course, Alison was the opposite, she was very factual about it, once your gone there is nothing, that was her belief, although sometimes she would say, I hope I meet up with my Daddy, contradicting herself.

I am still at the 75% point of believing there is an after life, for the further 25% I will need hard evidence, suddenly seeing Alison somewhere in the house as an apparition or having something move would convince me. Or when I go to see a medium next year and I'm told things that only I and Alison know.

As stated in several posts, I have found several white feathers in the garden, in specific places and at specific times, I always said to myself if I find one inside the house I would be convinced, well I did, but I still look for the logical reason it was there. It is the same with the faint banging noise in the house, well I think it is almost definitely air in the heating system.

Anyway on the Wednesday after finding the feather in the house, my eldest son Nathan was visiting his friend Dave , myself or Alison have never met Dave, Nathan phoned me on the Thursday and said Dad I have something to tell you;

He went on to say that while he was there, Dave suddenly blurted out, 'you have a girl standing next to you Nathan' my son said what do you mean?, he repeated and said, 'she says Aly, this freaked Nathan a bit, Dave then said has she got long blond hair? Nathan said yes, Dave said well she is next to you!

What followed where several broken messages, but because Nathan was obviously freaked, he couldn't take in everything this guy was saying, but told me three things that Alison said through this guy for me, I quote:

'Don't go there I don't like it, I'm at the house with you! By this I guess she means don't keep going to the crash site, when you think of it, rightly so it would be the last place she would want to be dragged back too.

'Thank you for the garden' she would always thank me when I had the garden looking nice, she loved it looking good. There is no possible way that Dave would know I had worked hard on the garden to get it nice.

Nathan mentioned the white feathers I have found in the garden, the guy said yes that's her!

I have to keep an open mind on all this, as I said until I get hard evidence I will not be satisfied, that hard evidence may never come! In the meantime after this latest happening, I think I maybe at the 90% point.

But just because we can't see, doesn't mean it's not there, radio waves are all around us, but we can't see them. It has been suggested that the spirit world is parallel to the earthly plane, maybe it is, they can see and hear us, but unless gifted we cannot see or hear them, they are energy and energy does not die. They vibrate at a much higher frequency than we do in physical form, only certain gifted people 'mediums' can bring their vibration to near that frequency.

Thinking outside the box, maybe there is a very good reason that contact is limited, imagine if everyone could communicate with there deceased loved ones and it was common knowledge that after life was better than here, we could have an empty planet!! Just a thought.

The dvd and the feather.

Just a short post, a follow on from the previous post 'Is she around' .

Things keep happening that cannot be put down to coincidence or whatever. Last Sunday evening I was watching TV, in a commercial break, a trailer for the new dvd of 'Rise of the Planet of the Apes' was shown.

I instantly got a feeling of Alison saying 'whoa we have to see that' as I got that feeling, I had a high pitch whistle in my ears, like you do when a high or low frequency hits you occasionally. I thought yeah, you want to see that! I will buy it tomorrow. The feeling I had was instant as if she was standing beside me watching the trailer.

The theory of the high pitch whistle in the ears , could be caused by the frequency of spirit, they vibrate at a much higher frequency than the living, so I have read.

So I bought a copy the next day, wasn't sure when I was going to watch it, as it was going to be the first movie I will have watched alone, since she was taken. Watching movies together was special, I would sit on one of the sofas and she would stretch out on the floor in front of me, on her favourite pink and multi coloured hearts blanket. I now lay that blanket down in front of me where she would lay, every evening !

So that Monday night, I was just about to call it a day, switch everything off and go to bed, it was 1.30am, but for no apparent reason, decided to watch the dvd – not a bad film- but could have been better, Alison would have thought the same. Anyway watching it alone, was not as bad as I imagined as I sort of imagined she was watching it with me, well I hoped so! That was another hurdle overcome and I was pleased about that.

Late to bed, but that's the norm these days, next morning I got up about 10 am, did the usual routine, got dressed, went into my studio turned the computer on, then into the bathroom, then down the stairs to make coffee.

At the bottom of the stairs, I stopped, not believing what I saw! right in front of the bottom step, in the middle of the hallway was a white feather. Now if you have read this blog you will know I have found several white feathers and the meaning of finding them, but I never expected to ever find one inside the house, with no explanation of how it got there, it was not there when I went to bed.

Was this Alison saying thank you ?

Is she around?

Life is very surreal at the moment, it is the only way I can describe it. Life is normal in the sense that I'm working and doing most things I would be doing if Alison was here, but then at the same time it's not normal, it never will be normal any more, the emptiness will never go. I constantly have her in my thoughts, I still have tears everyday at some point, usually in the evening, actually more than tears, it is uncontrolled sobbing, it does make me feel pathetic, but that's how much I miss her and sobbing is the release valve.

As mentioned in the previous post lot's of memories are flooding back now my mind is no longer numb, the missing her is much more intense.

I'm surrounded by her things, the top floor of the house is still as she left it, a couple of pairs of her shoes are still by the patio doors, her coats still hang in the downstairs closet and if I open her wardrobe – well complete breakdown – but that's how I want it, I need her things close to me. The top floor of the house is a shrine to her, it was her space, where she worked and played, it is still her space if she is around sometimes and wants to use it.

That last comment brings me to the main subject of this post, is she around? I have no hard evidence that she is or has been, just things that could be put down to coincidence (see earlier posts), but just lately I have had two instances of briefly smelling the fabric conditioner that she used to use, I haven't used any since she was taken from me !

Seven months on.

Today I am at exactly seven months into this journey. I still find it unbelievable that Alison is not here, waking up every morning to an empty house is so hard.

I was warned about the start of the six month point of grief as being the hardest period. Early on in this journey I hoped those warnings where not true, as at the time I figured nothing can get any worse than how I was feeling having just lost the girl I valued more than life itself.

Since hitting that six month point, at times I have been in virtual meltdown, I have been deeper in the pit of grief than I thought possible, even dark thoughts have manifested themselves again, but they are just thoughts thankfully, Alison would not want me to do anything stupid, but you get these feelings that you just want to be with her and that you don't want to be here any more. The physical distance from her grows as life travels on, I have no control over that and it still scares me, where the last seven months have gone I don't know, it still feels like I lost her only a week or so ago. Memories are now seeping back, things I couldn't remember in those early weeks, just little things I now remember can set me off crying.

But surely at seven months I should be ok, well over the worst, moving on, letting go, well that's what a few family members think and have said recently, 'come on you have to get over it and cheer up', get on with life, they say. Alison would not want you grieving, she would want you to be happy.

Oh! if only it was that easy, do they think I want to be feeling like this and sure I know Alison would not want to see me like this, but the early weeks progressing with out her and thinking she would be proud of me for coping are long gone. They were weeks of functioning on auto pilot in a surreal world, what I'm going through now is 'real time' grief, unmasked by numbness and shock.

I'm told I should now give more time to my family, more time to my two new grandsons, get out more and enjoy life.

I really don't want to do happy families. Why should they expect more of me now than when Alison was alive, why criticise the way I am handling my grief, I doubt, that one side of my family has even read this blog or even looked at any websites associated with Alison's memory, if they did, they may have a better understanding. These comments came about because I missed a family gathering, I just didn't feel up to it having had a really bad day the day before

Everything has changed, as I have said many times my life as I knew it stopped on the 28^th of April,, I have now got to adapt to this life/existence and it is going to take time, a long time.

I have been told by counsellors and many people I know online going through the same, that it can take years to find some sort of peace and understanding and the fact that I have trauma associated with the grief makes it harder.

I am fragile and it doesn't take much to make me a total wreck, sobbing my heart out on the floor, yes even at seven months! I still cry everyday at some point.

Yes I'm in a bubble, once in awhile I step out of that bubble, but go back in as it is my comfort zone for the time being. Those on the outside see seven months as a long time, on the inside it is a very short time. I'm not always miserable or depressed, just totally heartbroken and sad, not a minute goes by without her in my thoughts and missing her so badly, but I do smile and laugh sometimes.

She was such a massive part of my life, more massive than even she realised. She was fun, she was full of life, she was unique, she made me feel complete, she made me feel proud, she made me feel important, she gave me confidence, she gave me purpose, I had someone I could love and care for, worry about, make happy and most importantly share my life with, all those things have gone for good, I only have my memories left and that's not enough, which is why I will always ache for her physical presence and knowing that I will never have that physical presence, just compounds my pain.

She always said she only wished one thing should she die, that is to be remembered and not forgotten by all who knew her, well I am making sure she is getting her wish and will do so until my last day.

ADC maybe!

In a previous post 'dreams', I described four particular dreams that in them I had the feeling of an electric charge running through my body, in each dream feeling a presence but not seeing anyone and then waking up quickly after. Also as mentioned, Alison has never been in my dreams.

Well that changed on Sunday night, I had been very emotional Sunday evening – no change there – I am still struggling with the long evenings/nights. Well Sunday night I had the fifth of these peculiar dreams, within the dream the electrical charge feeling came over me, starting from my head and moving slowly down my body, it's really not a pleasant feeling. But this time I didn't wake up, maybe subconsciously I made myself not wake up, I do seem to remember saying to myself in the dream, don't wake up, the feeling subsided and right in front of me vividly was Alison with arms open wide, we walked towards each other and hugged, I remember asking her questions, but cannot remember what, I then woke up.

I told Alison's mother about the dream on the Monday, she has also not dreamt of Alison, but Sunday night she did as well and said she felt complete calm and happiness after.

So was this just a coincidence, just ordinary dreams or a 'visit'.

There is a lot of info on the internet about after death communication (ADC) here is a paragraph from one website:

Many experience after death communication through dreams. Dreaming it seems, provides the perfect conditions for after death contact to occur. When dreaming, our vibration is naturally elevated. Thus, we’re in a particularly receptive state to make a connection with the deceased. When we dream, the rational, judgemental portions of our mind are temporarily suspended and it is easy for us to merge with the soul energy of those who reside in spirit. Dreams about deceased loved ones can greatly aid our grieving process. My deceased loved ones continue to be an active part of my dreaming life. This helps me to feel that they are still an ongoing part of my life in general.

So who knows, maybe the electrical charge I feel is Alison's energy, I certainly have never in my life experienced that feeling before she was taken.

Claws of grief

Well the claws of grief have really hooked into me over the last few days, I should have known after getting through one day without crying, the first in over six months, that grief was just waiting until I was off guard to stab it's claws in and pull me back to reality.  I cry harder now than I have done before.

I'm missing Alison more and more, the numbness of my mind has gone, the lovely memories are flooding back. That's all I have now memories, the reality that she does not exist any more is hitting me hard. I constantly ask myself how someone so vibrant so full of life, who had achieved so much in life, can be beside my bed in a multicoloured urn.

Will I ever adapt to this new life of no choosing? God knows, I can only go by what others who have been through the same and are further on than me, have said, in that it does get easier. I must mention that I have had a lot of online support from dozens of others who are going through this, some earlier in the journey, some later, we all support each other, one or two have become very good online friends, they know who they are.

I must also mention my neighbours Claire and Shaun, without them I would definitely not have got this far, they have always been there for me, they were close to Alison, so understand, Claire was also sitting next to me in the police car when the police woman broke the news, we both went into shock together.

Adapting to this new life is the only choice I have, it is the biggest challenge I have ever faced, losing Alison has shattered my life to pieces, I doubt I will ever get those pieces back together again, if they do go back , they will never be in the right order . As I mentioned in a recent post, the distance thing is getting to me, in the early weeks, months I felt her near, I imagined she was just the other side of a one way mirror, she could see and hear me, but I couldn't see or hear her. I would like to believe that is how it is, just as I would like to believe in after life, but the time distance is fading that belief. Alison was so intelligent and clever, I ask myself if anyone can make contact from the other side if there is life after, in any way, she could, but she doesn't, so that's why disbelief is now over powering any belief I had , that in turn makes me feel even more lonely for my loss.

She has still yet to make an appearance in my dreams, I long for her to be in them, everyone else is but not her, that is something I really cannot understand. I am often with some one in my dreams, but I never see their face or I just cant remember their face when I wake.

I miss the normal conversation that couples have, I miss sharing thoughts and ideas that can only be shared with a partner, I miss everything! how can that ever be replaced. This house was for both of us, we were the first and only ones to live here, it has our imprint, but now I'm the only one here, it seems so wrong and empty. The fun has gone from my life, with Alison it was fun with a capital F, never a dull moment from one day to the next. She gave me love in a way I have never had before, we were totally in tune with each other.

She brought excitement to my life, now I feel none, nothing excites me any more, I don't see a future, the future was me and her, that is now gone.

I have memories, pictures, video, she is in my heart in my mind, but it's never going to be enough, but the brutal truth is that it will have to be as it's all I've got! She is never coming back, I will never ever see her again, how the hell can I live with the loss of her, she was my happiness, I can never be truthfully happy again.

So yeah at the moment I am really struggling, yeah I put on a brave face, I get on with things, but the pain is always there, this nightmare I can never wake up from goes on.

I'm not suicidal, don't think I'm depressed, I simply just miss the one person in my life that I thought would always be there, the person that made my life complete and who I loved so deeply, that not even she realised how deep my love was.

Alison don't go------my last words to her.

So where now?

As mentioned in my last post the first six months of my grief have been mixed with the legal formalities that follow the death of a loved one and even more with the loss through a road traffic accident. The inquest is the last of those legal formalities.

So again as I mentioned in the last post I'm in sort of limbo at the moment, I know the direction I need to be going now and that is forward and that does not mean move on or let go, two terminologies that I hate. Going forward and not thinking back too often about the accident is what I have to do, not easy, but I cannot change anything that has happened, the brutal truth is that I have lost her physically from my life, by nothing more than tragic bad luck and a sequence of events that where in perfect line.

I know the only way forward is the future and that is now, at the moment on my mind, time stands still for no one. The future scares me because Alison will never be forgotten by me, but she will be further away from me physically through time. It is as if I always want to be where I am now in grief as hard as it is, I want the scar and also want the scar to be forever visible. Yet I am saying all this and I am still in the early stages of grieving and the advice is not to think too far ahead, but you cant help but think about it.

With the worry of the inquest now behind me, my mind is clear to focus on the nicer memories, that in itself brings a whole new phase to this grieving malarkey, I still cannot look easily at photos and video of Alison taken more than four years ago and going back to the first time we met, I will be able too gradually in time, but at the moment if I choose to look at them the floodgates just open. In the 8 short years together, we achieved so much, we had a bonding that most couples never discover, I was devoted to her more than she ever realised, I still am and I really cannot see that changing.

Now that the inquest is done and dusted, I can now disclose that she was very stressed on the day she lost her life.

Alison was easily stressed out and very sensitive to any form of negativity in her friendships, often she would take things the wrong way and often the negativity she felt was unfounded or never there.

Anyway late afternoon she decided to go out on the bike to chill out, she was really wound up and really snappy , she asked me if I had any change as she needed petrol for the bike, I gave her all the loose change I had, five one pound coins. Handing the five pounds to her I said the last words I ever spoke to her, ' Alison don't go out on the bike, your too stressed out, you will kill yourself !' less than 20 minutes later she was dead!

It is on record that she was stressed and that it may have impaired her judgement in dealing with the unsettling of the bike prior to the bike losing grip.I will never know for certain what happened in those last moments of her life, only one person knows and that is Alison.

The Inquest

Another short post (contains some graphic detail)

All seems quite strange now after the inquest on Alison's accident, a sort of in limbo feeling. The last six months have all been leading up to the inquest day, when after, I could hopefully put closure on the accident part of this journey of grief, or so I thought.

Because I now know exactly and in detail what happened and the injuries she received that caused her death, the vision will stay with me. But it is closure because there is nothing more to know.

So today it has felt strange, almost the same sort of feeling as after her celebration (funeral), the where do I go from here sort of feeling, knowing life will drag me along regardless.

Anyway the inquest was very brief, the verdict tragic accident. I must praise the emergency services, including the fire crew who immediately started working on Alison to try and keep her alive before the ambulance crew arrived, which was within minutes. Tragically she went into cardiac arrest before they got there, but they continued to fight for her life on the way to and in the hospital. They tried everything in their power for forty minutes, but could not get her heart beating again and it was then she was pronounced dead. At the time they had no idea of her internal injuries and the fact the injuries were not survivable, broken ribs on her left side had sliced her left lung in two, she officially died of heamothorax, which is massive collection of blood in the chest cavity causing massive pressure on vital organs.

I must also praise the the police investigation team and the family liaison officer who has been there for support throughout the last six months.

So now the next six months, which includes very soon the one period I have been dreading, I am not even going to mention it in word yet, but it was the one time that was very special too both of us, getting through that is my next big challenge, how I will do it I don't know. 

In the meantime I am still learning how to live without her and the overwhelming emptiness in my life.  

Riding gear.

Just a short post.

This morning upon my request, Alison's riding gear was brought back to me. I had been fore warned by the police that I would find it distressing, but since reading the accident report I felt strong enough and prepared for what I would find inside the sealed police bag.

So the police liaison officer duly arrived with the said bag. He asked if I wanted to open it in his presence, that I may need support in doing so, but I said no it's ok, I'm prepared. We chatted and I said, 'You know I could understand her crashing if she had lost control at 70mph or so, but 30mph just doesn't make sense. His reply was, it was a million to one chance, being in the wrong place at the wrong time, he then said, imagine you have five hoops and a pencil, you throw the five hoops high in the air and you then throw the pencil and it goes through all five hoops, a million to one chance, if one or two hoops are not in line then ? so in other words with an accident, every sequence has to be just right for a fatality.

Police officer left and I took a deep breath and carried the bag into the kitchen, sat on the floor and unsealed it. I took out each item one by one, I thought would just become a sobbing wreck on the kitchen floor, but no, instead a strange calmness came over me, it was as if Alison was watching and also the fact that I had part of her back, also I could smell her on some of the items. I sort of felt guilty that I wasn't sobbing my heart out, maybe that will come later, to be honest I wish I was a wreck on the kitchen floor, it would have made more sense.

She loved her all black riding gear as much as her bike, they were part of her and I am so glad to have them back, regardless of there condition and the obvious signs of trauma.

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The dying process.

Six months to the day, in the blink of an eye my life changed for ever, my perfect world collapsed around me, I had lost the most precious person in my life Alison .

How can I comprehend that she lost her life by just bad luck, being in the wrong place at the wrong time, for someone who gave so much and cared so much and had achieved so much in her life, it just does not make sense that she was taken. But that is how fragile life is, something you don't readily think about until tragedy crosses your path and your plunged into grief and grief is also something you don't think of or truly understand until your plunged into it. After these long six months, It still scares me that the rest of my life will be lived without her, other than memories, knowing that I will never ever see her again in physical form, I don't think I will ever come to terms with.

Although Alison was pronounced dead at the hospital, she in fact died almost immediately at the scene of the accident when she went into cardiac arrest. I'm told that there has to be a set time before the paramedics/doctors give up on bringing her back to life, when all hope fades and resuscitation stops, that is then set as the time of death. Her chest injuries were so severe that they were not survivable, but they tried.

So in the last few weeks I have been reading about the dying process and NDE (Near death experiences) in particular, also watching a television program called 'Back form beyond', think that's what it's called. In all cases I have read about on the internet and watched on television, the one consistent point that comes across is that the experience is beautiful, so beautiful that most do not want to come back, but obviously in all NDE cases they have comeback, having been brought back by the medical team.

Some of these people have not just been dead for a minute or so, in some cases anything up to an hour , one who because he plunged and drowned in a frozen lake and his body was practically frozen, was dead for three hours before he was revived.

In every case I have seen and read, the person has floated out and above their body, looked down and seen the medical teams at work, some even seeing family members in the next room, before being pulled upwards and drawn towards a bright light.

Some see deceased loved ones welcoming them when they reach the light, but telling them your time is not now, you must go back.

All describe the experience as being enveloped in love and calmness,

beyond words that can describe, so much so that they just did not want to come back, regardless of the loved ones they were leaving behind.

One case involved a a senior consultant at a hospital, who had a massive heart attack, here was a doctor who before his NDE was sceptical and admits now that it has changed his views that there is something beyond death. Indeed it is now understood that dying is in fact a process, not an instant and it is now possible to bring someone back after fairly long periods of being dead.

Most medics would say that these experiences are really caused by the last gasps of the brain as it runs out of oxygen before shutting down, maybe so

but the experience does happen and that cant be a bad thing. Maybe further beyond what an NDE gives, there is absolute nothing, just like we cannot remember anything before we were born. I know Alison believed that after death there is nothing.

In Alison's passing, I hope and am sure that she left her body and experienced the amazing beauty that all these other people experienced, with the exception that she tragically completed the journey to the other side, be it nothing or a life after. If the latter then, my only wish in life is that she will be waiting for me when I do that final journey.

The conclusion of this six month part of my journey of grief, is that I miss her more than ever, I long for her but know I can never have her or see again, that my life now is without her physically, but she will always be part of who I am and always in my heart. Gone are the days of going to bed at the end of the day feeling content and waking up with a good feeling of the day ahead. I still have many moments daily when I cannot believe this has happened. When I think back to that Thursday evening six months ago just before 6pm when we both looked at each other before she went out, neither of us knew that it would be the last time we ever saw each other, how fragile is life!

Rest in peace my Angel, will love and cherish you for ever more XX

The Report

On the 28^th October, It will be six months since Alison's passing, half a year ! A whole spring and summer gone without her. So where am I now? Well have not posted on here for a while, so much has happened in the time since my last posting, some things have moved me forward other things have knocked me back. To think she has missed out on all the things she had planned makes me really sad.

A sort of pattern to this life of no choice is emerging, it is still a struggle getting up in the mornings, but then I'm up until the early hours anyway. Unlike before when life was with Alison, we used to wake and doze together, now as soon as awake, I have to get up straight away, if not I start remembering those lovely mornings waking with her and that just makes me an emotional wreck before even having my first coffee.

I can still only do things day by day, unlike before, I tend not to commit myself to anything in advance other than work. Beyond doubt the last six months have been the saddest and hardest of my entire life, I know that the next six will probably not be much easier, but I try my hardest to be strong for Alison, not an easy task!

I received the accident report from the police last Saturday morning, it is forty pages long, they did do a thorough investigation of the cause, but the final conclusion is that it was just a tragic accident with no one to blame. Witness statements say that Alison was riding as would be expected of an experienced rider, she was doing no more than 30mph when she reached the bend, it seems just before the bend the back wheel twitched, I personally think she went over one of the badly sunken manhole covers in the road prior the reaching the bend and this unsettled the bike, but anyway

on turning into the bend, the wheels slipped from under her and from then she and the bike slid into the path of the fire engine coming in the opposite direction. Cold tires and damp white line markings could have been a factor in the loss of grip.

The accident report is hard reading and truthfully it has set me back, but I needed to know what happened. As you know I go to the crash site every Thursday, when walking there I often see bikers passing me and going through the bend often at a far higher speed, certainly above the speed limit for that stretch of road and yet Alison lost grip at low speed, the only person who really knows what happened moments before impact is sadly Alison. To know that the girl I loved and protected died so violently is heartbreaking, but thankfully I'm told by experts that she would not have felt any pain such is the bodies mechanism to shut down instantly with serious trauma. The driver of the fire engine estimated that the time from him seeing the bike and Alison hit the road and impact on the front of the engine was just 1.5 seconds. The fire engine was almost stopped when she hit the front, had it been able to stop just a few yards from where it came to a halt, she would have missed it and got away with just minor injuries if any, but that is going into the realms of 'what if' again.

I have the option of having her riding leathers, boots and helmet back from the police, I was asked if I wanted them back very soon after the accident, but in numbness and shock I said no, I have since learnt that the police still have them, so I have said yes to having them back. Fully realising the state they are in, they are going to be very hard to look at, but then so was the accident report. She loved her black leathers and helmet as much as her bike, they were part of her and obviously the last thing she was wearing on this earth, so I will grit my teeth and have them back and will no doubt cry my heart out while holding them, they belong back here!

So the next big milestone after the six month one is the anniversary of her passing, I will be dragged along by life regardless and I hope it will get easier, the hole in my life will never be filled, I miss her every moment of the day. After six months, do I still believe she is looking down, that her spirit lives on in after life, well to be truthfully honest I'm still not convinced, I was hoping that the accident report would confirm a couple of things I was told, supposedly by Alison in the impromptu reading I had several months ago, the message indicated that she rolled along the road, she didn't, the message referred to front end damage to the bike, wrong, the whole bike was wrecked.

So I really don't know what to believe. I still think of her as on the other side, in the physical form that she was here, I think all that have lost a loved one think the same, but I know that cannot be as the reality is in her urn up in her study. But I hope there is something after death and I hope it is wonderful and special, otherwise I have been talking to myself all these last months.

I talk to her everyday, I still cry for her everyday, I very rarely cried, but I have cried everyday for the last six months and I can't see that changing for a good while yet, such was the love I felt for her and the loneliness I feel without her.

Dreams

Everyone who has grieved over the loss of a partner knows how from the first day of the loss you never sleep the same again. Gone are the nights that I fall into bed thinking 'oh this is so nice' cuddle up and fall gently to sleep, or read and chat little before hitting the pillow, Alison would always go on her laptop before sleep, more often than not I would fall asleep to the tap tap of her keyboard, oh how I miss that so much and feeling the warmth of her body beside me and the feel of her baby soft skin as we cuddle into each other. Then of course waking the next morning, how do you ever get used to not seeing her when you open your eyes. The waking up was our special time, she would always roll over into me and we would entwine into a cuddle and doze until one of us got up.

So those first nights/weeks you don't sleep, your mind is in such turmoil and you have to get used to being on your own in bed, which is a whole lot different than Alison deciding to sleep on the top floor if I was keeping her awake because of snoring or if she was stopping over with friend, then you knew she would be back or climb into the bed in the early hours. Now she will never be back or ever be beside me again.

A sort of sleep pattern does eventually return, I don't have trouble getting to sleep as I'm usually so tired of dragging myself through the day. Blowing out the little candles I light every evening for Alison, then turning off the TV, locking up and then switching all the lights off is the nightly ritual that means another day has gone by without her, It is such a sad feeling walking up the stairs to bed on your own!

Then come the dreams ! Since Alison was taken, to say my dreams are weird is an understatement, which ever part of my brain writes the scripts and does the screenplay, deserves an Oscar nomination. For some reason people that were never in my dreams before are now frequently in them, notably my father who died about ten years ago, also my first wife has been frequently in my dreams of late and just about every Tom, Dick and Harry from my past and present.

But there is notably one exception who is missing from them 'Alison' I long for her every night to be in a dream, but she never is, I think of her every moment of the day, she is never out of my thoughts, yet I go to sleep and nothing. I can only assume that my mind shuts down from thinking of her when I sleep. I'm hoping that when I do see her in a dream it will be more than my memory giving me the image, I have read that if the deceased visit you in a dream and it is far more vivid than a normal dream then it could be contact, so I just wait for that however long it will take.

That said I have had four dreams now which have not been normal and I have never had the sensory feeling that these dreams have produced, Alison has not appeared in them, but in each there was the presence of someone that I could not see.

The first scared me to be honest, as I didn't know what was happening as I thought I was wide awake in bed, so thinking I was wide awake, I had what I can only describe as pins and needles or an electric charge combined with pressure starting at my head and moving down my body, I jumped out of bed in panic and only to suddenly wake up. The second dream a few weeks later, was almost the same, again thinking I was wide awake in bed, but this time the bedroom walls where mottled grey and then there was a strong presence of someone in the room at which point the bed mattress started to move in ripples, a bit like a water bed, then that same feeling again from head to toe, as the feeling got to my toes I woke and I swear for a few seconds the mattress was still moving. This time though it didn't freak me, instead I felt real calm and just went back to sleep.

The other two occasions both very similar, but again real calm afterwards.

I did do an internet search for that sort of dream and the strange feeling. Most answers point to astral forces or connection with deceased loved ones, who knows!

The consultant

Today was the appointment with the consultant who dealt with Alison after the accident. As with all accidents you are told very little or nothing at the time, in shock you wouldn't take it in anyway. So it has been a long wait, partly my fault as I said no, the first time I was asked if I would like to speak with him, this was fairly early on and just did not see the point as it was never going to bring her back.

As the weeks went by I realised I did need answers to a few things, so made an appointment, only to get the date mixed up and missing it, so it was re- arranged for today.

I already knew the cause of death, from the basic details on the death certificate, in short she died of massive chest injuries. But I needed to know she did not suffer and at least get details of what was done to try and save her.

So arrived at the hospital, really quite nervous as to what I was about to hear, but it was agreed that I asked the questions, so I was prepared in a way. Anyway without details, she did not suffer, she actually died at the scene, not on the way to hospital or in the hospital as I was lead to believe.

But they tried everything possible to bring her back, but that sort of injury is not survivable.

I have been to where she crashed every Thursday at 6.20pm, to change the flowers and to stand and talk to her, the time was guessed, but after today's meeting,I learnt that she actually died at that time-how would I know that? I knew the crash was at approx 6.15, but I understood that she died at the hospital, but when the ambulance arrived at 6.25pm she was already gone.

I will always go there on Thursday to talk to her, but with the winter months coming it may not be possible to have fresh flowers there all the time, she will understand.

Next hurdle is the inquest, but that may not be until next year.

The bike show

The amazing weather we have had in the last week should have cheered me up somewhat, but have been at the bottom of the grief chasm several times, have clawed myself upwards only to slip back again. With more clarity of mind it is as if I lost Alison only a week or so ago, it makes me realise how numb the mind actually is in the first few months and that you just get through on autopilot, most of the time in a trance.

But now with clarity I am remembering all the things that made our life so special. I feel I am now entering a new phase of the grief journey, In clarity I cry (sob) for what happened, her loss, the loss of my life as it was before, all the things she has missed out on, also that this is bloody real and that I am never ever going to see her again for the rest of my life. My life now is so lonely, I have no one to share things with, no one to give love to, no one to talk to, in the way only like couples do.

Yesterday (Sunday) there was a big motorcycle show just outside Ipswich, with the weather as it was, Alison would have gone to the show along with the neighbours next door, who with Alison's encouragement got into biking

shortly after Alison got her Honda 600CBR. She was often moaning that she had no one to go riding with, as at the time the neighbours 125cc could not keep up with a big 600cc.

Well just last week they took delivery of a new Honda 600CBR, exactly the same as Alison's, she would have been so excited, not only that some other friends had just bought new 600's also. So now I see them all go off together for rides and feel so sad and upset that Alison is not with them.

So back to the show, now I'm not really into bikes, yes I watch the racing on TV, but that's about it, anyway the neighbours decided to go up to the show in the car instead of on the bike and asked if I would like to go. Having lost her life on one, bikes and biking are not my choice of an afternoon out, instant reaction was to say no, but then I thought yes I will go, I will go for Alison and if she is beside me some of the time, then she will have been with me at the show, I really hope she was.

It was emotionally hard being there, but glad that I did go.

This coming Thursday, I have an appointment with the consultant who dealt with Alison on that fateful evening, it is certainly going to be tough hearing what he has to say and will knock me back down into the chasm again I'm sure, but I need to know she did not suffer.

The dead speak

Over the last few days I seem to have entered a new phase of this journey, certainly hitting the five month mark has had a lot to do with it. I have felt more lost in life and ever more lonely. I want to be the Colin before, not the Colin I am now, the scariest thing is that who I am now is here to stay, I will never be the person I was before. I'm having panic attacks again when I wake up.

Alison gave me stability, confidence, respect, happiness, a reason for being and most of all love. In return I gave her the same, we were one, now I'm half of that.

So at this point I am scared, scared of the future without her, I don't do the alone lifestyle, I need someone in my life and I had that, she was so special in so many ways, that there will never be another someone. So I'm stuck with being alone, dragged along by time.

Most of the last few months/weeks have been a blur of just getting through each day, it now seems reality has now kicked in big time. I have read that the five and six month marks are the worst. I think several family members and friends are really surprised how I'm still feeling, most think I should have got over it by now, little do they know! If they read this blog they may understand, but they don't read it, probably because they would find it too sad, well writing it is a whole lot harder than reading it!

My posts from the early weeks, mentioned things that happened in the way of signs that maybe Alison was around. But now over the last month or so all signs have stopped, I don't feel as if she is around any more which amplifies the feeling of loneliness.

So where the signs all in my mind, were those early signs nothing but my mind playing tricks, are the signs no longer arriving because my mind is slowly realising this is real and how it's going to be for the rest of my days. I don't want to not believe the signs were from Alison, I still believe they were, besides I was not the only person to get them. I still talk to her, I still light candles every evening, I still have fresh flowers in the house at all times and still refresh the flowers at the crash site every Thursday at 6.15pm and talk to her.

As I have said before, she would hate me feeling like this, hate seeing me cry painfully, but I really cannot help the way I feel. I feel I have lost her even more as time as gone on, if I am to believe in after life and believe all the things I have read, then at this point she would have moved on in the astral world, maybe the reason the signs have stopped for now.

The saying 'you have to let go' has cropped up again. How can I let go, the only real way of doing that is to forget her, put her out of my mind.

She is embedded in my mind and soul, even in death she is still part of me, even though that part of me is mortally wounded.

So I cant and won't let go, but when I have talked to her before going to sleep I have said many times, I will be ok and if you have to or need to move on do so. So maybe she has and that is why I am feeling this loneliness and disconnection now. I still ask her for a sign though !

There is a website I visit that has a Q&A page on all things about after life, the answers are given by a non religious medium, for some reason I trust these answers, here is one I really like.

The Dead Speak

Your loved ones do not die.  They go on.  They are with you even when you can’t see, hear or feel them.  It takes a great deal of energy to reach back to our density and try to show you that they are still here.  Meet them halfway by raising your vibration.  This is why they often come during dreams when you are vibrating at a higher frequency.  Don’t discount it as fantasy when you have a dream that your deceased loved one is sitting by your bed talking to you and reassuring you that they are okay on the other side.  If there is one thing they want us to know it’s that death is only the beginning of a journey, a shedding of the physical shell, a transformation.  Do not be afraid for them.  Remember them because it connects you both.  Talk to them, because they do hear you.  Send them your love because they do feel it.  The dead do speak.  Are you listening?

The lonely bench and five months.

This is the little weather worn children's bench that Alison used to sit on when she went outside for a cigarette. It now stands lonely and empty even though I sit on it frequently when I have a cigarette.

But it was always her bench, if it was raining, she would grab a cushion from the living room and put that on the bench and sit. Many a time I would go outside and find a soaking wet cushion that she had forgot to bring in after. If ever it was blowing a gale and raining, she would also grab the patio parasol and be huddled under that. I so miss seeing her sat there.

So it has become the lonely bench for me, it faces the gate she last went out of, now five months to the day!, never to return. Many a tear has fallen when I sit there and plenty more will fall.

So five months to the day and the loneliness and the longing for her is worse, 'time is the healer' they say! and truth be known I have probably said that too quite a few people over the years. But now that I have lost the one person in my life who was so special and such a massive part of my life, I know those words not to be quite true, I will never heal from this, I will hopefully and slowly learn to live with the injury my mind and spirit will now carry. But the injury will always remain and even years on down the line, such was my love and feelings for Alison, that that injury will no doubt flare up every so often and I want it to, I never want to forget.

Trying to do as before.

I am now heading for the five month mark since losing Alison, how I have got this far I do not know, but I have.

In hindsight of my last post, I don't think distance from the loss makes any difference. When I wrote that post I was focused and doing things and was thinking, yeah I will get through this. I should have known that out there on the horizon was a big wave of grief heading my way. It hit me like a freight train this weekend.

I was invited over to see a very close friend in Essex on Saturday, I often went over when Alison was alive. It gave her space to invite friends over or whatever, as we were almost 24/7 together most days, it was important to give her space and of course myself. So I used to stop over so I could drink and arrive back very early on the Sunday morning.

On the Sunday morning,I always stopped off at McDonalds to pick up a breakfast for myself and Alison. She would always be in bed when I arrived back and as soon as I got in, it was upstairs and crawl into bed with her, for some really special cuddles and then eat our breakfast – god how I miss that !

Anyway, on the Friday night I was feeling very anxious as the invite included a stop over if I wanted too, I know Alison would be saying stop over and have a good time, but I just couldn't, it brought back too many memories.

The thought of arriving back to an empty house Sunday morning was something I just could not do.

So I just opted to go over, chill out, have a take way together, watch a dvd 'Pirates of the Caribbean 4' a dvd that Alison was so looking forward to seeing!.

It was strange doing all that, but knowing Alison was not at home doing her thing, like cleaning the bike in the living room! which she often did if I was out of the way.

So I was back home at just before 10pm and all the way home I could feel the emotion and tears building up, as this trip out had so many memories and once in the house which seemed more silent and empty than ever, I just sobbed my heart out for her.

I realise now that all I did before can no longer be done again as it will never be the same. I'm forced into a new life that I neither like or want, but I have no choice in the matter. I really cannot believe, even now at almost five months, that on Thursday 28^th April 2011, I would wake up with Alison and at 6.15pm that evening, she would no longer be with me.

If you have a partner and are reading this blog, cherish every moment of your relationship as the one possession we can never hold onto for ever is life.

Before and Beyond

I was going to title this post 'Distance' but having started it and having new thoughts I think the above title is more appropriate.

Before Alison bounced into my life and she really did bounce into my life, love at first sight was something I never believed in. But that first night we met it was something special, as it turned out it was something extra special.

I had been single for awhile before we met and was having great fun, doing what I wanted, when I wanted, I certainly wasn't lonely and had no intentions of starting another relationship or indeed seeking one. I was on a few casual dating sites, but purely for casual connections.

Then out of the blue an email arrived from Alison and we arranged a meet at mine, again nothing serious. Well the rest is history, we both fell in love.

I now tend to not think of my life before Alison, it actually makes me feel sad, as I look upon it as lost years, that had we met before, we would have had longer together. But as we know life is not like that, maybe a thing called destiny does play a part and you only meet when the time is right for your paths to cross.

I have hundred and hundreds of photos of Alison from our early years together, I am not strong enough yet to look at them, if I do the flood gates open, so at the present I'm restricting my memories to the last couple of years only, at least with looking at photo's that is, mind management I guess.

So what about beyond, what lies ahead. As life drags me along, the distance from the night I lost her gets greater, that worries me. Where as the pain I have been feeling up till now now is not pleasant, it is a constant reminder of the love we had and how much I miss her. I don't want this pain to go on, but neither do I want to stop missing her and crying for her. But I know through the nature of things the pain will lessen and may go away eventually, like evolution you adapt to your new environment. I have cried almost everyday since she was taken, but in the last two days I haven't, maybe this is evolution starting to take place.

I have had to go forward, have had to focus on work, for longer periods in the last week, she has been at the back of my mind, rather than the front.

I am adapting to being on my own, I'm not waking up every morning, dreading the day ahead. It is what she would have wanted I know that, but it makes me feel guilty that I'm not crying for her at least once a day. I know exactly what she would be saying 'get a grip'. So I am.

I am aware though, that it is now only 22 weeks to the day, still early weeks in the grieving process. I know I could very easily and will slip back into periods of despair. I have the appointment early next month, with the consultant who dealt with Alison that fateful night. That is going to be very hard, but I need closure on that part of the loss.

Then I have the inquest still to come, that may not be until next year, I know for sure that will knock me right back after hearing the details of the crash.

Advice on grieving always says never look to far ahead, I don't, I still do things day by day. But I cant help thinking where am I going to be in say ten years time, if I live another ten years or maybe twenty.

Alison would then be so far away in my distant physical past, I cant comprehend that, but that's how it will be. I will never stop loving her, she will always be part of me. But when I think back 22 weeks, it seems a life time, how will ten years feel.

A Summary

These are words I read on a website, I have just changed them around a little, but they are so true! I will not recover. This is not a cold or the flu. I'm not sick. I'm grieving and that's different. My grieving may only begin properly 6 months after Alison's death.

Don't think that I will be over it in a year. For I am not only grieving her death, but also the person I was when I was with her, the life that we shared, the plans we had ,the places we will never get to go together, and the hopes and dreams that will never come true. My whole world has crumbled and I will never be the same person. 

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So over the last twenty weeks in no particular order a summary of my thoughts and feelings:

You find out who your true friends are and a few you thought were, are not.

That losing Alison is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with in my life.

Life is the only possession you cannot hold onto forever, never take things for granted.

'Your looking a lot better' some say, that is the outside, the inside is where the pain is.

Why is it so hard for Alison's friends to find her website and leave their respects.

Never believe the promises made by some people in the early days of grief.

Strange how all the phone calls and emails and invites out, stop after just a few weeks.

That Alison would want me to be happy and get on with life, easier said than done.

Shopping for one and cooking for one, then eating on your own is soul destroying.

With a blink of an eye she was gone, how can someone so vibrant not exist any more.

Everyday I cry for the loss of her , I cry for the loss of the life I once had, I cry for the all that she has missed.

Because my love for her was so deep, I'm now paying for it in the pain I feel.

This big house has never had anyone living in it other than me and Alison, now it is so empty, even though her memories are still here.

I cry alone almost everyday, I need to release emotion, it would be nice sometimes to cry with someone else.

Everyday I still have disbelief in what has happened and that I will never see Alison again in this life.

Having not had much reason to watch mainstream television before, I now realise how much crap is broadcast.

Waking up each day and realising she is not there any more, rips me apart inside.

Sometimes I feel she is near, other times not at all, everyday I think this is not real.

January the 1^st 2011, happy new year, did I ever imagine I would be sitting typing this out.

Mind games

This coming Thursday it will be twenty weeks without my angel, yet my mind still can't fully comprehend what has happened or comprehend that my life has changed for ever.

My mind has been through so much in those twenty weeks, so many questions with no answers, why her? why now? if only she had left a few minutes later or earlier.

Did she suffer? could she have been saved? where is she now? is there life after? How am I going to get through the rest of my life without her? It is all so wrong that she is not here.

As I have said before, she is never out of my thoughts, my life was built around her and for her, I still have my life, but it is a shell with just a broken structure inside holding it up and I feel constantly fragile in that sometimes, the smallest thing will send me into tears.

Everyday my mind is looking for her as if it will not let go until it finds her, I still worry about her! I still ache for her, all seems so impossible that she is no longer here. Her memories are all around me, her unopened bottle of lucozade in the fridge, her trainers still by the patio doors, her work jumper hanging in the cloakroom, her gym bag, never to be used again. The airing cupboard is full of clean clothes never to be worn. As for at the top of the house, all her computers and equipment, but I wouldn't want it any other way! With all her belongings around me I feel closer to her. 

I have been told that I do need to let go and that letting go doesn't mean I will forget her 'how could I forget her!'. I really dislike that term, but I know if I am to move on, then eventually I will have to, but that is another term I dislike 'move on' move on where? I guess just keep going forward and see where it takes me. But then that is what this journey of grief is all about, you don't know where it will take you, you just ride with it day by day. Everyone else has moved on, I'm stood still, I have lost my future.When she was alive my mind was active in planning the future, now it's stagnant as it never thinks more than a day ahead.

My mind is broken and needs to mend, I can do nothing but let it heal in it's own good time, I have looked deep inside myself over the weeks to keep going. I think it proves 'to me anyway' that the mind and your brain are really two separate things, therefore your mind is actually your spirit and spirits supposedly live on and I really hope Alison's spirit is alive and kicking on the other side.

I love these words from a Bruce Springsteen song 'If I should fall behind'